So is it possible to maintain a marriage without sex?

Question

I have alot of energy but she's just not that into it. Without sex it's like i am just married to a buddy or a good friend. Can this situation be sustained. To complicate, we have 2 kids.

These are some great answers, tough to choose best one. Thanks to all.
She has no physical problems and doesn't want to use contraception. She decided that I get a vasectomy or its nothing. It's been so long without actual sex that the intimacy is also lost. I fear if I get 'snipped', it will not revive anything. She also doesn't want to go to a counselor.

Answer 1

Thats hard to answer because it is possible to sustain a good marriage without the sex, but there has to be intimacy of some kind. My friend and her husband have been married for 25 years and for 20 of those years there hasnt been any sex because he had an accident that prevented it happening...he even gave her permission to go out and find a man outside the marriage. She loves him with all her heart and he loves her so much....they have a lot of intimacy, they touch, they hold hands, they kiss, they cuddle up in bed and tell each other how much they love each other....there is no sex, but tons of intimacy and they are very much in love. I guess it totally depends on the people involved, if you need sex and she is not into it and you feel like she is just a buddy, then you may start looking elsewhere for your needs to be met. Maybe sit your wife down and tell her how much you need her and without sex/intimacy there is no marriage. Like I said, I guess it depends on your level of commitment to each other to know if you can sustain a sexless marriage for the rest of your life. Let your wife know how you feel and maybe she can do something about it.

Answer 2

It doesn't sound like your marriage has a 0% sex..... just not as much as you'd like, or did I take it wrong? Usually (not in all cases tho) women have a lower sex drive than men, so you guys want it all the time but we can't keep up with that...... however, if your needs are not being met you have to talk it over with your wife. Both of you will have to compromise.... if you want to have sex 7 days a week and she only wants it once a month, maybe once a week would be a good middle point...?? I don't know, only you 2 can sort this out because definitely a marriage cannot be OK without sex. When someone in the relationship is not getting what they need, they tend to go look for it somewhere else and we don't want that to happen right??

Answer 3

If you can you are a better man than me.

That is one of my, absolutely has to be there components.
It would have to be something significantly health related for sexuality to be gone.

I don't feel like it, I'm not in the mood, I just don't feel that way,
or anyone of other the other refusals just do not get it. I view those answers even more selfish than requiring an active sex life from your wife. There is a concept that sexuality can't hurt and can help so why not do it to maintain a healthy relationship. It is unrealistic to believe that a marriage without sexuality is healthy unless both of you feel that way.

It would be like this, "honey this level of sexual intimacy is not doing it for me. If you cannot find it in yourself to have some intimate lovemaking apparently you do not want to be intimate. THAT is very destructive regarding my attitude toward you. This needs to be rectified somehow or I fear our marriage will also be adversely affected. I will not cheat or be unfaithful but if this is the way you view our marriage I may have to consider leaving. I will reevaluate our marriage based upon your response or as it appears the lack of it."

Presuming that this has becomes her choice and not a physical problem she has decided to be the selfish one and call the shots. It is here where you need to be firm and specific. This is not going to result in a continued relationship on these terms.
Blackmail? Maybe, but it has to be verbalized. She is not having any problem saying no you do not have to accept selfishness as a basis for marriage.

I think we all go through this at one time or another in marriage. To me it can be a deal breaker. I hope the frank reality of situation breaks through to her. She is risking her marriage and why, because she is not in the mood?
Honey get in the mood and that does not mean go through the motions or I will make the changes I need to.

Answer 4

Did you go from good sex to no sex? If so, you need answers. Contact your church or if you don't attend church, check out some of the larger ones for a counselor who will get you answers that may put you both on the same page.
If your relationship is built on other strong aspects other than sex, I think it would be possible to have a good marriage. Obviously, this is not how you see it and is not an adequate situation. It's important to find out what is going on.o

Answer 5

I totally agree with you.
You should try marriage counselling after talking to her and trying to see what the problem is.
Sometimes, it can be that she's too tired. Really! :)
Also, after having children we women tend to lose confidence in our charms and how attractive we still are, so maybe she needs some TLC to regain her confidence, more than sex, and then one leading to the other.
Whatever you do, don't stop communicating and try not to make her feel guilty, it'd only make things worse.
I think that you need to entice her. Not all your approaches should end into having sex. Try and satisfy her differently.
Make her want it and then you may hit the jackpot!
You could always try and buy her some sexy clothes, outfits.
You can give her an oil massage.
Just help her relax and honestly, stop asking, and put her under pressure. Make her feel that you are interested into her as a person as well.
Make sure she knows that all you want is to pleasure her. To touch her body, not necessarily in her intimate parts.
Sometimes, we can be too stressed and tensed for sex.
So, all we do want is TLC: a tender massage at the end of which we may fall blissfully asleep.
Some caress on the breast... And nothing else.
You know, NO pressure and it will make her want to come to you.
Good luck.xxx

Answer 6

I don't have an answer....I have the same question...I am female. My husband and I have never had intercourse because he can't. We think it is low testosterone, but if its NOT....I am wondering what to do myself. I love sex and feel very cheated and lonely without a sex partner. We have known each other 1 1/2 yrs, been married 6 mo. I knew about the problem before we married, but I thought it would resolve soon. He's a wonderful husband otherwise, but the lack of sex has made me very depressed and I am not ready to be celebate. I am 56 and he is 57. Like I said, I have no answers. I am struggling with this myself. Let me know if you hear anything worth mentioning.

Answer 7

Only if it's what both of you want. If it isn't, it's only a matter of time before resentment and unfulfilled desire leads you into an affair. Tell your wife this not as a threat, but as a means of communicating to her the seriousness of the trouble your marriage is on the verge of encountering. Then, find a good marriage counselor, get a regular sitter, and get to fixing your marriage. A good counselor can help you both to hear each other and achieve compromise.

"Not that into it" is fine for her to say, but certainly not for you to accept. She needs to hear that from a neutral third party, preferably another woman. You should expect to hear many things that she wants that either she hasn't shared with you, or that you've heard before but not taken to heart because you haven't been getting what you want from her.

Answer 8

It can be done . . . . for a while, but eventually, if there is no intimacy and no sex, there will be a chasm in the relationship that will only grow wider. It is inevitable that the more social of you wil find a "friend" who can relate to your needs, and by natural forces, that person will gravitate to the "friend" and away from the selfish spouse.

Two things occur for men, . . . first, the hormone level in the body drops, and you find a need to have supplemental hormone medication prescribed. Second, anger will eventually take control, and the logic of living with a roommate that you can't touch, becomes foremost in your thoughts and actions.

I suggest you get your spouse to some professional care, and soon. Determine if it's medically related or psychologically motivated. Otherwise, you will follow my path, and eventually, before you're married 19 yrs, you'll see the senselessness of being married to a selfish person, and have no choice but to seek the more powerful driving need of simple companionship. Afterall, companionship is the more powerful drive than even sex (long after sex is comfortable or even possible). For men, the physical intimacies speak greater volumes than the mental and emotional ones, which speak greater volumes to the woman in your life.

I fear you're going to follow in my steps. A marriage has to be two -sided, with both partners engaged in making it work, and for men, the sex is a necessary component. The women need the emotional and psychological components to keep them in the marriage. Don't let the need for professional intervention be a deterrent. The kids still need both parents as long as they can have them together, but don't let the kids be the sole reason for staying married to your roommate. They will KNOW your frustrations, but not know why, and it hurts them evne more if you stay. Living with a roommate who only has sex because she feels "obligated" or it's her "duty" isn't any better. In many ways, it's a deeper cut, and nearly irreparable.

Answer 9

Yeah as long as the other party is allowed to go outside of the marriage for it. If there is not a "reason" for not having sex, she should give into it. My husband never goes without it, it's a basic human need. She needs to fix the problem or let you find someone else.

Answer 10

That is what I am living in now...My friends and family don't understand when I say (my soon-to-be-ex) husband is a good friend...we have two kids (ages 7 and 3) and they are happy and that is all that matters to me...Me and my stbx have verbally agreed to separate about 2 years ago and we do our separate things but we are still roommates...it is not the best living situtation and I think when my son gets older I will eventually move out because at 33 I am not getting any younger and I deserve to be happy too...