I married my wife even though I was not sexually attracted to her?

Question

How many guys out there have dated a woman because she is a "Nice Person". Then after a while of dating you proposed to her and she accepted. Only to find yourself engaged to a lady that you do not find yourself sexually attracted to (either because her looks were "okay" or she was too "maternal" looking or whatever...) You do not want to break off the engagement because she is after all a WONDERFUL LADY. She is either sweet, responcible, would make a great mom, not a big spender, laughs at your jokes, in other words she is very a practical choice. You might regret letting her go because she is a smart choice for marriage and starting a family. But let's face the truth. She definately does not have you on FIRE! She does not rock your world inside and out. You are not so enamored with her that you cannot see straight. Would you marry this gal and if so, why?

Answer 1

I married my first husband becuase he was really nice, we had the same interests, he was easy going, and didn't like to argue, I thought he would make a good father, and I knew he loved me very much. Fast forward 17 years... I am divorced with 3 teenaged children. All at my own doing. He would have been perfectly satisfied staying married to me for the rest of our lives, but I knew something wasn't right in our marriage. As you said, he didn't rock my world, or even give me goosebumps. I felt a great deal of guilt for a very long time because I liked my husband very much and I knew I hurt him by leaving, but I also recognized that I had to do what was best for me and my sanity.

Answer 2

WHY did you marry her then? I can't believe that you would regret it at this point. Sure, it's great to be with someone nice, but if you only married her for that reason than you married her for the WRONG reason. She should make you feel like you are jello when she touches you, or you miss her when you aren't with her, or that when you come home from work every night, she is the first thing you want to go up and hug and kiss, and the first thing you want to wake up to in the morning.

If you didn't marry her because of those reasons, then you are both missing out. Reconsider what you have done and maybe you should consider a different path. If you don't love her like that then you are not giving her what she needs, either. Time to figure out where to go from here.

Answer 3

YOu haven't said whether you had sex with her yet. People who look conservative, may have a fire burining inside of them. I would definitely have sex before walking down the aisle, because if it's wack, it won't get any better. You will get older and less desirable to anybody. It's better to not waste your time or her time, or worry about feelings. Life is too short to be a nice guy. This will be the only woman for the rest of your life that you can ever express those sexual feelings with. If she's frigid, it will be incredibly frustrating.

It's okay to be with someone that isn't drop-dead gorgeous, but it is a problem if you don't think they are at least sexy. I personally can be very attracted to a man's brain, although he may be a bit plain or geeky. If you don't think she's the greatest girl in the world, or want to kiss her, that's pretty scary. You may eventually cheat on her, or have a sexless marriage, which would be horrible.

I do find it sexy to develop those feelings as it goes, but in my opinion, from the tone of your question, if it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to happen.

Answer 4

I once had a minister friend that told me that 3 things need to exist for a successful marriage: 1) spiritual agreement; 2)mental affinity, and 3)physical attraction. It seems you didn't have #3. Sexual lust wears off even with the sexiest woman. I find an intelligent woman with a great personality sexier than a physically beautiful woman with no intelligence or personality. I'd stay with her and look for sexy things about her. I've never found a woman that wasn't sexually appealing in some way. Just look for it. It sounds like she is a wonderful person. Consider yourself lucky and look for sexy things about her. I'm sure they are there.

Answer 5

Does SHE think you are attracted to her sexually? I would hate to think my husband wanted to marry me because I was a "practical choice" and nothing else. All the things you mentioned are great reasons to marry somebody, but if you don't have the chemistry going on, how long do you think it's going to last?

Same with marrying somebody because you are only sexually attracted to them and don't care for their other character flaws or qualities. You can find somebody that has all the qualities you are looking for AND rocks your world.

Answer 6

Yes, blah, blah, blah - you're thinking you should feel like you're marrying Pamela Anderson but you dated and proposed to someone less glamorous. Did you tell her that you love her? Was it a big fat lie?
Then tell her that you don't think you have been honest with yourself or her right now and call off the marriage right now. And don't bother this woman again. You don't know what you want. It will eventually hit you that you don't want Pamela Anderson's brain, you only want her boobs. No offense to Ms. Anderson but her boobs are her strong point, not her brain.
It will also eventually hit you that you don't deserve the woman you broke up with and did not marry. But you did her an enormous favor.
Keep dating and you will figure it all out.

Answer 7

No. No way. But you already are, married, that is. So why ask the question? The risk being that you will find someone one day that you find irresistibly attractive and it doesn't matter how much strength or moral value you THINK you have, you will not be able to overcome this temptation. And if it is mutual which it most likely will be just because you will find yourself making excuses just to be around her and feel that intense attraction. It is absolutely intoxicating and you won't be able to resist. Months later you will find you are hurting, you've hurt your family and all for nothing. Because it was just that an attraction. It's wonderful but its not enough. I would say if you weren't married to wait until you find someone you can't bare to be apart from, that is in your thoughts first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Don't settle, you would be doing her and yourself a great disservice. Hold out until you find that person.

Answer 8

I was in the same boat 18 years ago. I married a women for reasons other than sexual attraction. Basically it resulted in a sexless marriage. I tried to have sex with her a few times over the years but the lack of attraction made it difficult to get an erection and I found it impossible to have an orgasm with her.

So I just gave up. It's not a bad marriage, we don't argue and she doesn't complain anymore about the lack of sex. But I REALLY miss having sex. I've had a few affairs but they tend to be stressful and unsatisfying. We did manage to have two kids using methods other than intercourse and divorce would mean losing them, my house and most of my money.

So for me it's just porn and masturbation, at least until the kids are grown and move out.

My advice is don't even THINK of trying to have a long term marriage with a woman who doesn't get you hot....things will just go from bad to worse.

Answer 9

Sorry - I have to ask: have you had sex with her? If you have, and it still doesn't do much for you, then no: I wouldn't.

If she isn't downright UGLY to you, perhaps there's more to her than you give her credit for. I think it's pretty shallow to consider breaking it off simply because you're not sexually attracted: what caused you to ask her in the first place? Sounds like you need to re-find that...

If you can't recapture whatever made you propose, I suspect you're both better off finding another mate.

Answer 10

what are you choices marry a gal that you know is for life or marry a hottie and eventually the sparks will be over and the marriage in a few years. Maybe if your tried being more sexual with her, talked to her, help her open up a bit more to you. Every person has a sexual beast inside them. You just have to help them release it and tame it .... Trust me, just work on it and you will reap the benefits. Every woman is sexy, some are shy and hide it, some are bold and show it off.

Sex is only a part of marriage, not the entire marriage. You just can't built your relationship of sex and sexual attraction, both of these things wear off soon. So think about it.