I don't trust my 50 year old husband since he lied about a 23 year old female friend!?

Question

Many months ago I found out he had made friends with a 23 year old girl that works at a gas station close to our home. I found out that he was talking to her daily, going to her place of business several times a week, lent her money to pay her cell phone bill etc. One night she called when we were at Applebee's and he disappeared for 10 minutes. After Applebee's I had to run into Garden Ridge. When I came out 5 minutes later he was nowhere to be found. Upon calling his cell phone I could tell he was on the other phone. When I asked who he was talking to he said he was calling me. Well, it clicked, and I asked for his cell phone and saw a number I did'nt know. Upon conforting him he said it was that girl and that she was going through a hard time with her husband. He swears they were only friends. I gave him a choice to either give up the friend or me. He said their was no choice and has, to my knowledge, quit talking to her. 5 months later I can't get over it. What do I do?

Answer 1

she is using him for his money, she strokes his ego and makes him feel special, but how is that suppose to make u feel anyway? he needs to show some remorse not just simply tell u he gave her up because he did not have a choice. he needs to tell u he is sorry about it, and make u understand that he knows what he did hurt u terribly. u will need to work on the restoration of the marriage together he has to be part of it, he has to allow u to talk about your hurt in all of this. its quite understandable as to why your not healing over this its still unresolved and u still don't feel emotionally safe, and u wonder when he is going to do this again to u. and because he put so much effort in running to her as if she were the most important thing in his life. but if u have to constantly keep tabs on your man maybe it isn't worth it after all. he also is giving her your marital assets, behind your back and against your will. he is being used, and as they say there ain't no fool like an old fool. he may have thought lending her the money would earn him some rewards. he may be having a mid life crisis, maybe he just doesn't want to get old.

Answer 2

It's hard to regain trust once it's lost. Sometimes, it's never regained. And, it's unfair to the wife to have to live the rest her life with a man whom she doesn't trust. Most of the time, when a man has had an affair, I recommend that the woman leave her husband and start over fresh, especially when there's been a lot of deception and it's clear the pattern will be repeated. However, in your case, your husband was immediately honest with you when caught. He then immediately stopped seeing the girl. It sounds like this was the beginning of a cat and mouse game. So, I feel there is more hope for your relationship than most I read. You could ask your husband to go to counseling with you.

Answer 3

Christ....a mid life crisis. So a 23 year old tart does his ego good. Its amazing how some men seem to forget the irreparable damage they'll do because they think some 23 year old vixen who takes money from them is infatuated with him.
You can bet she's trying to soak him for the occasional dollar or two and he's becoming adept at making himself look like a horse's backside.
So....if there is no sign of him having any more contact then let it go. Get over it? No...what you're experiencing is alittle anxiety on your part. Rightly so. A small amount of trust has been breached. not enough to do terrible and lasting damage but enough to keep you on edge and wary.
He apparently took you as being serious and furthermore if he even thought the broad would take him in he'd have walked. Obviously he isn't as dumb as he acted. let it go and keep one eye open but don't drive him over the edge either. Its apparent he respects you enough to knock off the crap when you called him on it. You should be content with that for now.

Answer 4

Maybe your husband was simply being a nice guy, and a lot of older men like to hang out at fast food restaurants as well as service stations. It was not right for him to lie to you about who he was talking to on the phone, its good that you nipped it in the bud when you did. I say to simply trust your husband if hes never given you any other reason not to, it will take time. Maybe you two can go on a weekend getaway and do some serious talking about what happened without accusing, simply listening to one another and trying to go forward in your relationship.........building it on TRUST. I hope this helps some. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

Ditto. Trust him that he did what you asked, and if you see any evidence to the contrary, talk to him about it.

I went through a thing at our church that talked about mentors, maybe your husband is just feeling like he can offer words of wisdom to the younger generation(s). Perhaps you can talk to him about a Big Brother/Big Sister program, or if you do attend church, see if he can sign up to be a mentor to one of the younger guys in the church.

As a younger guy in my church, I'd be flattered and excited if an older guy wanted to mentor me.

We all need help, and maybe your husband is just seeking some sort of validation that the live he's lived to this point has been worth something if he can make a difference in a younger person's life.

He'll find it much more rewarding if he mentors another man, however. Avoids the temptation of playing an important role in a younger woman's life.

Answer 6

Yeah right to all his excuses I would say. You are right not to trust him with this so-called friend. I know of a minister who went to console a widow several evenings a week without taking his wife along and guess who ended up divorcing his wife, leaving his kids and marrying the widow? Later, he did the same thing to the widow! Once men start cheating, they have betrayed you and that is a terrible thing for any spouse to do male or female. To be able to trust is tantamount to any relationship or you never feel safe and to be betrayed is like having a knife slashed into your heart.
Go for counseling and if that doesn't work, move on with your lives.

Answer 7

Forget about it, block it out of your mind, if he has not done anything suspious lately, trust that maybe he was just feeling paternal or brotherly to some distressed person. Women can be so manipulative especially if they see dollar signs in their eyes. Now if he ever gives you a reason to not trust him again, then give him the boot and call a spade a spade.

Answer 8

Your husband most likely foolishly got caught up in what he felt was admiration from this girl. He failed to see that she was only using him to pay her cell phone bill. Men can be so foolish. What is good is that you took charge of the situation from the onset and your husband obviously loves you for ending this relationship, although I can understand how you are still not able to trust him. Knowing me, I would have made my husband confront her with her husband and explain how any relationship whether friendly or not is interfering with his marriage with you. Nothing like a little reassurance from someone who is at fault for making you feel doubtful. Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

I agree with LAL, only you can know when you've had enough time to trust him again. If you don't find numbers on his cell or house phone bill then chances are he's not doing anything. Be cautious and take the time you need for your heart to heal. What you are feeling now is extremely understandable. I commend you for sticking up for yourself and for giving him one chance to make things work.

Answer 10

You can either choose to let it go or not. What wife wants to know about her husband having a young female friend? Whether he did anything or not, he knew how you'd feel about it. And here you are, expressing insecurities about it, FIVE months after the fact.

If he hasn't talked to her in five months, then it is no longer about HIM or HER. It's about YOU not trusting your man. If you can't trust him, take a walk. But, remember that it was based on your own inability to trust.