My partner of 3 years ended it because i asked for a future with him. Our relationship was fantastic for the first year or so, but my depression made it difficult sometimes and he wasn't very good with talking. We still had loads of fun, amazing sex and went on holidays and he was really in love with me. But over time and if i mentioned the future he would back off. I said to him one weekend away. 'Its been 3 years now, are we going to stay like this for ever or are we going to committ to each other in the future'? He didn't answer so a couple of months later i asked him if we could move in together in 6months or so. He told me he couldn't offer me a future because he didn't feel it in his heart. he wanted to be single again. He also said other things that didn't really make any sense. But i feel that my depression and me bringing up the future must of put him off. Do you think i ruined this and should i have been happy with just having him in my life. Could we start again?
2007-09-17 08:12:55 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
no woman is going to be happy with a relationship where u get nothing but a bit of fun and sex, women want a commitment, and u did nothing wrong asking or giving an ultamitium. this is not about u, u asked for love and commitment and he just doesn't feel the same about u as u do him. no theres no way to begin again unless u want to settle for nothing, u did not ruin anything at all he did. have a little self respect here, u got to love yourself, and expect more out of life than a morsel or two of nothing. yes if u stayed with him it would be like that forever, until he left u for whoever, 3 years is a long time to be in a relationship and not even live together. u cannot make sense out of an illogical situation, i am afraid u got one of those non commital men who won't commit for one reason or the other, just be glad he is gone even though i know u love him. u need a life and need to be able to feel safe and content, and theres no way this man could make u feel this way. don't keep a zero for a man or blame yourself for this, the fault is within him, and in his head, personally i think he treated u very disrespectfully and u would know that if u felt good about yourself and respected u. he hasn't got any redeeming charastics that would make u want to stay with him, he is a user, u are good enough to sleep with, go places with, but when u wanted more he wasn't willing to do what most of the time comes naturally with couples. he has no intention of offering u a thing, and u have to see reality here and accept what he says and go on with life, if u don't it will hurt u enotionally.
2007-09-17 08:28:27 · answer #1 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Depression can put a load on a relationship. Do I think based off of what you said it was the sole reason for the relationship ending, no. Once you're in a relationship, for most even a year, it's healthy to talk about the future and make sure that the timing of what you both want and ideally what you both need out of the relationship will be met. It sounds like you gave him the opportunity to talk, but he didn't communicate back, and that is probably the biggest problem in the relationship and when he did, it was obviously too late because he no longer felt it in his heart.
Perhaps, going forward, you can try some therapy or medication for your depression so that it's not a factor in another relationship. Communication in every relationship is critical to its success. Instead of pushing for more of a commitment, which I think you were entitled to, try a more delicate approach. Where do you see us in a year...leave it open ended and let them answer. Also, let him bring it up. If the guy doesn't or if you don't there is a reason why it's not being brought up. And that's an uncomfortable truth especially if one person is really into the other.
2007-09-17 08:23:55 · answer #2 · answered by Erin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No. I think he already had his mind made up that he was in it for fun but not for the long haul. The fact that he didn't tell you this knowing you wanted more was just wrong. If I were you I would put my energy into someone who feels the same way about me and wants the same commitment. I wouldn't 'chase' someone because that is only going to make you more disappointed and therefore depressed. Yes, depression can ruin a relationship if not treated but the fact that you were able to have loads of fun, good times etc. leads me to believe you weren't really all that depressed. Your only depression stemmed from his lack of commitment. If he said he didn't feel it in his heart then that is what it is and you can't change that unfortunately.
2007-09-17 08:27:33 · answer #3 · answered by Wonder Woman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although depression can strain a relationship to the breaking point your situation doesn't quite ring of this. I would think most people who are put off by your problem wouldn't hang around for three years. that is unless you've assured him you'd address the issue and you hadn't.
I think his saying that he wanted to be single again and whatever it was he said to you that 'didn't make much sense' probably is just his way of stepping out of the relationship entirely. As to whether he has someone else on the side or what is open to speculation.
So...i wouldn't go beating myself up and/or assuming that you're the cause of the dissolution of the relationship. On face value from what you've provided here it appears he's the problem and not you.
Good luck in the future and take steps to address your depression.
2007-09-17 08:23:07 · answer #4 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that's sounds like the past few months of my life. After 5 years with a guy who we were living together & pretty serious, tells me he doesn't love me anymore. He's not cheating or anything, he's a really boring person, now I can say that. I oftern wonder if I ruined mine too, but if he's being a jerk about a future, that means he doesn't see you in his future. Get out while you can & don't look back. People like that aren't going to change with you. They may a few years down the line & realize how good they had it, but too little too late. I was depressed because I was with the guy of my "dreams" who happened to be boring & unfulfilling in many ways, not just physical, but that too.
Screw him! you are so better off without him, but it is hard starting the single life after that long. Time will help, keeping busy on other things helps, go have fun with your friends & ask them not to talk about how great their relationships are. Man that's the worst, hearing about how great theirs is & thinking about how crappy yours was.
Stay strong & believe in yourself. He's not worth damaging your spirit!
2007-09-17 08:23:10 · answer #5 · answered by Casie 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Depression can and does take a toll on relationships, but it doesn't sound to me like that's necessarily what's happened here. Granted, I don't know what was said during the breakup, but he may have had other issues--fear of commitment, for example--that you weren't aware of because he wasn't good at talking about them.
Repressing your feelings wouldn't have solved anything, so don't fool yourself into trying it with the next guy. Just work on your depression for your own sake, and hopefully the rest will fall into place.
2007-09-17 08:22:53 · answer #6 · answered by MM 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Screw him- He wants you there for him when he wants you, he does not care what you need! Don't you think that you deseve more than that? Don't you deserve to have a partner who loves you and wants to spend his life committed to you? YES you do, and if this loser jerk is willing to let you go because he doesn't want to commit, he is probably looking elsewhere. You have let him string you along for 3 years, why should he buy the cow when he is getting milk for free? Why are you allowing yourself to be belittled like that? Move on and find a real man who wants nothing more than to be with you, depression or not.
2007-09-17 08:23:17 · answer #7 · answered by GiGi! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your depression may be a reaction to your problematic relationship! You and he obviously want different things out of life. It CAN be quite depressing if you convince yourself to stay in a relationship that isn't fulfilling. You need to move on and let yourself find someone more in tune with what YOU want and need. OR...before that, try just being alone for a while. It helps clear your mind.
2007-09-17 08:22:41 · answer #8 · answered by Gwynneth Of Olwen 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My answer is yes, BUT.
For example, I grew up with depression, and it has played havoc with all of my personal and working relationships. It was not until I could find an effective medication for my condition that my life started to turn around.
I suggest you find a psychiatrist immediately and try different prescriptions. The right one can make a tremendous difference in life. It certainly did for mine.
2007-09-17 08:19:57 · answer #9 · answered by The Eternal Squire 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not you didn't ruin it and probably wouldn't have been happy with things how they already were. It was obviously something he already felt but he had to come clean when you kept asking him about the future.
Starting over isn't what you want... just move on. You will find someone else who DOES want that future with you.
Good Luck.
2007-09-17 08:18:03 · answer #10 · answered by ♥ SeXy.SeXy ♥ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋