Basic teenage BS help????

Question

I'm going to try this again, without all the smartas-comments, I wish only real parents would look at this category, it's not a joke to some of us.
My 13yr old son, is lying about schoolwork, and I'm getting calls almost daily about his behavior at school.
I've contacted the guidance counselor and VP to help, and seems I'm getting no where.
We've taken everything as far as cell, tv, computer, and he has to stay in his room, and still seems not to care, and kicking his as-, which is what I would have gotten, doesn't work either, I need some help, his dad lives 2hrs away, see's him once a week for dinner, and my son is Diabetic, not sure if that has anything to do with any of this?
Any suggestions???

Answer 1

I am not a parent, but I am a Jr councilor at church and I work with kids/teens every week. your son is 13 and lives in a different world than you do. you HAVE to understand this to make any progress. I think that something is going on at school that you are not being told about, it could be any thing from a bully to a teacher picking on him, or maybe other kids are picking on him because he is diabetic and can't eat the same foods they do. I know from experience that kids can be very cruel, and teachers tend to over look the bullies and blame the one who is being picked on.

the next problem that I see here is that his father lives two hours away and he only gets to see him once a week for an hour or two. boys need a father just as much as girls need a mother. think back to when you were a kid/teen, if you were in a "normal" family then your parents were still together then you know that if you had questions/concerns/troubles then you would talk to your mom right? because typically you want someone you feel you can relate to when you are in a hard time. my parents are still together and I know that if anything is bothering me I can talk to my dad. I don't talk to my mom about some things just because I am a boy. just this weekend my dad, older brother, and I went to a father/son camp out. it was a wonderful time just to get away from everything and spend 2 days with my father. your son does not have that kind of relationship with his father and (if I know anything from my experience as a councilor) your son is longing for that kind of relationship with his father.

I don't know what to tell you to do to change his behavior, I can't and no one else on here really can tell you that. just simply because we do not know and we cannot know your son, or what is going on in his life. it is up to you to find out what is going on in his life, for you to truly know your son. and while councilors can help, they are not the only answer.

there is one helpline that I trust and that is girls and boys town USA. teens and parents of teens use it every day and it is free. give them a call. 1-800-448-3000

Answer 2

Im not sure if this will help, but I figure i will tell you anyways. Im not a parent., i just used to be that kid. In my experience when my mom took away my things and punished me, I purposely didn't care about my schoolwork or anything for that matter. The reason being is because she acted like she cared more about my grades than I did... kinda like she didn't want to have the FAILING kid in class and thats why she pushed me so hard. She ended up putting me in a Childrens Home for 4 years because I wouldn't listen. Discipline works different with every child, because I am 19 now and have already been in jail and overdosed on drugs, dropped out of school and everything JUST in spite because of what she put me through. Luckily I am in the army now and turned things around.. but all i am saying is that just taking things away isn't always the best answer. Get the teacher to give you some sort of lesson plan, and monitor him with school at home. Let him have his things back if there have been no negative reports and all the work at home is done. Sorry if im no help... figured i would try

Answer 3

Im a parent. Both my sons are adults now and everyone says we did real well. Here is what I would offer you.

A) diabetes is unlikely to be part of it
B) teenage is likely to be part of it. teenagers MUST rebel against something. Pick and choose but do not try to block ALL of them. You have to leave something

After that, consider it all to be training. Everything he does, YOU choose whether or not it works. Figure out what he is trying to achieve, and whether or not your punishment helps.

If he doesnt like doing math, then none of the things you mentioned will help since he still didnt have to do math. If he wants attention, then the things you listed above actually provide what he wants.

Do NOT allow him any excuses. I held my kids responsible for their actions AND the actions of their friends. Do not allow comments about what his friends do, or "everyone". Do not allow the gang he hangs with to say or do things that you would punish your child for, punish your kid for it anyway. And my favorite (which drove my kids crazy) was not allowing non-verbal comments that I would not allow in words. "Dont you look at me in that tone of voice"

I hate to make it sound as simple as "just dont let them do the crap" but thats been my experience. Anything beyond that, I would treat as something serious enough to take to a professional which also seemed to have a good effect on my kids. They didnt have a grey area that they could push things into.

Another point, I allowed me kids to talk back. ONCE. If I said something, then they could argue it. But if I said it again then it was done. The whining turned into fairly decent debates.

Oh yeah, Im a dad and I had sons so this might be different but.... "You look mad enough to swing. You can do it you know. But thats only going to happn once. So this better be the really REALLY good reason for it"

Answer 4

At 13, a kid needs a father figure, or at least I did and every 12-13 YO boy I knew. That age can really be tough with no male role models. Moms can do their best, I'm sure you do, I'm not criticizing at all.

I'll go out on a limb and say he's trying to get dad to pay some d@mn attention to him besides a once a week trip to Pizza Hut. Doesn't sound like it's working from what you say.

A therapist might work, it helps some kids. An uncle getting involved in the kids life works sometimes. Some guys get through it without any male help growing up, but it takes a while to figure it all out on their own.

Not any easy answers I'm afraid. Depending on your ex, it might be good for your son to be in his custody even.

Answer 5

Has your son ever been considered a candidate for learning disability or behavioral disability testing? You may wish to inquire about this at your son's school. If he suffers from any disability in either category, he may be experiencing a high level of frustration with school which leads to acting out like he has, and also why none of your disciplinary measures are having any effect.

I find it interesting you mentioned diabetes. Whether your son is type 1 or type 2, if his blood glucose levels are not under tight control, he could very well be experiencing incredible emotional fluctuations. He could be happy one moment, angry another. Depressed one day, free and confident the next. Be sure your son tests his glucose levels religiously each and every day, and get together ASAP with his doctor, a diabetes educator, a pharmaceutical specialist, and a nutritionist to determine whether or not your son is properly balanced concerning his medications, insulin injections, diet, and exercise. Having these four areas "hitting on all cylinders" will do wonders for your son's health and attitude.

Answer 6

Maybe your son is suffering inside from some form of mental illness. Possibly depression or even Attention Deficit Disorder. I am a 47 year old man and I went thru(and still do today) some of the things that your some may be going thru also. I did not find out however until I was well into adulthood.
I hope this helps you and your son.

Answer 7

Ask yourself a few questions first.. such as.. is it someone he is hanging around with that is "rubbing" off on him?? Is there something that is bothering him?? Try having a conversation with no yelling.. just kind of a informative thing for you. For the school work.. if he doesnt already.. get him a homework notebook. (Our schools provide the books here.) Ask him to write down all assignments that are due and have the teacher check it and initial it. When he comes home check it out yourself. Look to see if he has homework and if it is completed.. if it is then you initial it as well. Maybe even treat him like a smaller child and give him a reason (a goal) to behave and do his work. If none of that works.. maybe he should see someone to see whats going on with him. good luck

Answer 8

I'm not a parent but growing up my brother was the exact same way. What seemed to eventually work for my parents was offering my brother incentives. They offered him a nice car when he turned 16 but only if he pulled his grades up. They wouldnt allow him to go skiing with friends until he pulled his grades up. It also turned out that my brother had ADD and deslexia. Once my parents were able to get him taken care of in that aspect it seemed to help. I also think that kids can easily lie about homework due to the lack of relationship between the parent and teacher. Establishing a good relationship with them will make it easier to keep tabs on your son. My parents did and they were able to contact his teachers and since they explained their situation the teacher was willing to keep extra tabs on my brother and make certain my parents knew about his homework. Sometimes taking things away from kids isnt the only solution. I think its great that you have taken away some luxeries but try to emphathize with him a bit and offer him incentives. It will help motivate him and if he feels that you understand where he is coming from, i.e. school is hard, not interesting, etc, then perhaps he'll open up to you more about problems he is having.

Answer 9

Go To School With Him. If you work take the day off, I know it will be hard but it works. I went to school with my son because he was acting the same way. I spent the whole day following him around. When he would make smart remarks I would put a bar of soap in his mouth for 1 min. It may sound bad but hey it worked. At home I would do the same thing when he got smart with me I pulled out the soap. I took everything he had out of his room except for his bed. I picked out his clothes for school and treated him like the 2yr old he was being. I would call or go to the school every week to make sure he had been turning in his homework and doing right. After I went to school with him and made it clear I would do it agian, there were no more probs at school. The embaressment of your mom being at school with you is almost enough for any kid to straighten up, but don't just threaten him with it do it. As far as at home pick your battles. He is after all starting into the hardest part of his life becoming a teen, his horomones are changing just like a girls and for the most part he is acting out because of this.
So hope this helps, hang in there this is normal for his age.

Answer 10

At some point you'll need to make the break from mothering him and let his dad take over. I say this because your son is probably struggling with puberty and trying to figure out what it means to be a man and what is expected of him.

If your (ex?) husband can't fill this role, perhaps there's a mentor program at a local church.

He needs guidance and discipline, not punishment.

I hope this helps.