(Weve known eachother for a while but been together for 4 months) I feel like were not a ''family''. Dont get me wrong, he is GREAT to my son (3)...we do family things...hes a really good role model, and we have SO much fun when we play etc. However, I feel like we dont have that real family feeling and its not just because my sons father isnt here. I see step-families all the time..The fact that the step parents arent the actual parents is so invisible. In my relationship, there's a spotlight on the fact that Im just the girlfriend and the girlfriends son. Hes not a bad person and its not really him. Its just like he'll say ''your son is silly, guess what he just did'' etc. Why dont he look at him as if he was his? Every other guy does. I love my responsibilies as his mom and dont want anyone to take them over but at the same time, he should treat him like his own. He knew the situation before he even got in it. I just think about my sons dad more....and it hurts.
2007-09-17 05:53:06 · 24 answers · asked by Me! 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Iv'e talked to my bf about it last night, were going to talk about it more today when we get a chance. I would still like advice from you all though. And I know my bf has never been in such a situation but things like this come so easily to other guys around...
2007-09-17 05:54:13 · update #1
Every other girls bf and children seem to develop the bond so easily and in less than a year, I just began looking at myself and thinking something is wrong with me.
2007-09-17 06:02:16 · update #2
Oh and we have discussed marriage. Like I said, we knew eachother for a long time. However, the whole issue Im discussing now made me tell him I dont think I want to get married for a WHILE; Im scared that the bond will never come.
2007-09-17 06:04:18 · update #3
What do you want him to call your son? You have only been together for four months. The guy may be confused on what you want. I would concentrate on the relationship between you two first. If your son builds a bond with your boyfriend and if it doesn't work out with you and him, look what you've done to your son? He will then be reluctant to build a bond with anyone in the future.
I would suggest that you and your boyfriend set down and figure out where your relationship it going and what you both expect. He needs to understand that you must base your decisions as a mother first. Always look out for the child first!
2007-09-17 06:43:33 · answer #1 · answered by Brad M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're talking about a very young relationship...you've only been together for 4 months, so there's no way he's going to feel like your son is his son because he isn't. You haven't made that level of commitment to each other and there's no implied sense of step-family status on the horizon, either. All of this is way too premature for where you are right now. Fathers are not interchangeable parts where "any ol' man will do". I'm not saying that this dynamic won't develop in time, but he's looking to get to know you, not be groomed for assuming a fatherhood role. You said, Why don't he look at him as if he was his? Every other guy does." Do you see the inherent problem with that statement? Every other guy might have looked at your son that way, but they're not there now....which creates enormous confusion for a child, and could subsequently damage his impression of the male role in any family (because he'll view them as transient). Maybe your guy has a more balanced and reasonable approach. Maybe he correctly realizes that getting involved with you means being involved with the child, and should be done with as much thought and insight as possible....in that regard, a gradual approach is infinitely better. Right now your family is you and your son; that's how it is, and that's how it should be. In time your family may expand, but it should never be a forced fit. Everyone that's there should WANT to be there.
2007-09-17 06:17:35 · answer #2 · answered by Captain S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey there,
I am a single mom, father is no where to be found, (lets leave it at that)
I am just starting to date someone new, I don't want an insta- family. He may have known that you have a son, his father is not around, and all of that, but maybe he didn't know that in order to be your boyfriend, he has to be his father...
I think maybe you need to sit, talk *like you are doing* and just realize, that because he knew he was taking on a role in your son's life, he doesn't have to take on the father role...
If you are looking for a guy who wants that role, because you are afraid for your son to get attached and then get dissapointed...
Then if you two don't work out... You may want to try, for the next guy you date........ Not to put your son involvement, until you know he is 100% there for you and him and will treat him like a son..
GOOD LUCK!!!! Keep me posted on how it goes.. I do hope that he will want what you want
2007-09-17 06:09:10 · answer #3 · answered by sunsett 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its been you and your son for three years. It is probably not reasonable to have the 'family' feeling after being with your current boyfriend for only 4 months.
If he is "not a bad person," give him time to bond with you and your son. Remember however, your son will probably bond with him faster and on a more emotional level with him if you and he were to spend more time together. This includes doing family things, dinners, movies, bedtime stories, taking him to school, etc.
If you are at that point with your boyfriend, where you can share with him on that level, he too, will establish that connection with your son.
Determine where you and your boyfriend are in the relationship. If he is likely to not be in your life in the near future, you should limit your son's contact with him so as to not set your son up for an emotional let down.
Hope this helps.
2007-09-17 06:04:59 · answer #4 · answered by ken erestu 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are some men who can not accept another mans child, no matter what. (although they love bopping the mommy)
I hope this boyfriend will be honest with you.
You did not say your husband passed away while you pregnant.. I am assuming you were not married to that man either. Do you not believe the power of a marriage?
IF you want this relationship to work. Make it a rule that never the words "my son" "your son" are said. Use the child's name. That would be a good start.
2007-09-17 06:19:10 · answer #5 · answered by lily 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Four months is NOT long enough for a guy to feel as tho he can regard himself as a 'dad'. I know.....I've been there. It takes a LOT of time and spending time together as a family, one-on-one with the kid(s), and acting like a family.
This is something you dare not rush or be pushy about. You didn't say if he has any kids of his own or not. I'm assuming no...which makes it even harder. You have to learn a whole new world when dealing with kids...AND a new relationship to boot.
If you've only known this guy for 4 months, then the question that I'm dying to ask you is, how long did you know him before you introduced your child to him?! That should cut the time down that HE has known your child by at LEAST a month....or longer.
I don't think women should rush to introduce their kids to a 'stranger' until things are very settled and stable. I don't think I'm nuts to think this way. In my opinion kids don't need to see a mother bring man after man into their life. It's unhealthy for the kids. I'm not saying you are, just giving you my thoughts about that part of it in general.
Anyway....you're moving him to fast and you are not giving this guy enough time. I had a woman want to introduce her kid to me after we'd had like 5 dates. She wanted to jump my bones on the first date, and then she wanted me to meet her kid. On that 5th date she wanted me to meet and hang out with her kid for the day. I said I wasn't ready for that yet.....with no communication whatsoever, she withdrew herself, and she broke up with me over this. No goodbye, nothing.
I was amazed a woman would do this with her kid. I'm not even a parent and I know better!
If this guy is willing to be part of your family and do things with you and your son and learn to be a dad and a faithful romantic interest to you, then you'd better get it in your head to shut-off and leave him be, because all you will do is make the whole thing harder and more difficult for him to figure out.
Good luck....it sounds like you actually have what I perceive as a decent guy.
2007-09-17 06:45:18 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well one you aren't married, you are just his g/f, and that is your son. Not his, he isn't his step father. I dated a guy with a kid before I was married, and I never thought of his son like he was mine, because he wasn't. And we were together for 1 1/2 yrs.
4 months is a short time to expect for him to feel like that, regardless of how long you have known him. And if he is good to your son, that is all that matters.
2007-09-17 06:06:00 · answer #7 · answered by cris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've been together 4 months is why... why would expect some kind of insta-family? that is ignorant and naive. that kind of bond takes time to grow. What if you break up and get a new boyfriend? how many "daddy's" should your son have? you should make sure you're together a long time before you go introducing new daddies to your son. otherwise hes going to be a very confused little boy.
2007-09-17 06:00:15 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You've only been with the guy 4 months! Its not his son why should he look at him like it were his. It takes time to form bonds. Give it a year or two and stop expecting too much
2007-09-17 05:57:49 · answer #9 · answered by Alissa 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The thing is, you have only been together for 4 months. That's not very long at all. It's not very likely that he would feel like his father that soon. Wait until you've been together longer for those feelings to develop. It will probably take a year or so.
2007-09-17 06:02:20 · answer #10 · answered by pisceswoman87 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋