We have financial problems, and I am doing everything I can to make more money...yet she makes mistakes with our checking account which end up using up my whole check with overdraft fees. It's like I'm working for free. But if I don't make more money, she'll take our little girl away from me and leave.
We've been married 8 years, and I love her, but for her to say that....isn't that kinda shallow? If the shoe were on the other foot, I would never threaten to leave her over how much money she made.
2007-09-17 03:33:49 · 30 answers · asked by Geezer 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It is shallow, but maybe she's scared. If she thinks leaving will resolve anything then she's kidding herself.
Get yourself on a written budget. The two of you should do it together. Give every dollar a name and a mission. List the essentials first like food, clothing, shelter, and utilities. Always pay these fist. Then list your other bills. This will help keep the checkbook balanced and it will give the two of you a stake in your financial future. You be amazed at where the money is going. I know I was.
Do not take control of the money. That will make things worse. This has to be team effort. One can pay the bills but both have to agree on where the money goes.
Then get 1000 dollars in a savings account as an emergency fund. This will relieve a lot of stress in your relationship because if something happens then you won't have to resort to credit cards to pay for it.
Remember that the number one argument couples have is money. Get together as a team on this and things will get better.
2007-09-17 03:42:00 · answer #1 · answered by JB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Get her a pre-paid cash card . . . and an allowance. No possibility of her going over on the expenses, then.
2. Don't give her access to the checkbook or credit cards.
3. Develop a written budget and post it prominently.
4. Do all of this without discussing it with her.
5. Ask her, when she protests, "You said I needed to make more money: I want to know for what. If you have an expense that is outside of this budget, I'll listen to it, but if I make the money, I control it."
6. When she continues to protest and starts getting ugly, drag out the last 12 months worth of bank statements and say, "If you are seriously concerned, and are not just being abusive, then you won't mind going through these with me and seeing where our money is actually going. Otherwise, you are not serious about the money issue and are merely using it to berate me. SO either participate, or shut the hell up."
7. When she threatens to leave with your little girl, tell her how expensive a divorce will be, not to mention the ensuing custody battle, and ask her where she's going to get the money from.
8. Show her the wonders of ebay and tell her that if she can make money selling stuff on ebay, then she will have all the money she thinks she needs.
9. Start a secret checking account in your name alone, and start putting away a couple of bucks a week. Think of it as a "rainy day" fund.
10. Don't back down. Women often threaten your children when they need leverage in the relationship, but when push comes to shove this is often an empty threat. If you aren't willing to go to the wall over this, though, your marriage between equal partners is effectively over, anyway.
Good luck!
2007-09-17 10:53:43 · answer #2 · answered by terry m 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you should keep the money in your separate account and mantain control over it. When she needs money, just give her cash out of the account. And make sure she doesn't use credit cards since its likely to just put you guys in more debt.
Still, if she's being unreasonable about this then she'll probably be unreasonable once you do all of the above. So, as much as I'd hate to say this, you might have to look into the possibility of separation or divorce. Again, I don't know what your situation is so hopefully that's not something that needs to happen but it sounds like that's a possibility.
Also, even if she were to take the girl away from you, you would probably be able to get joint custody so you could still see her.
2007-09-17 10:46:07 · answer #3 · answered by AdamK 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to communicate with her, and explain that you are doing your very best. Suggest that she also tries to bring in some money to help your mutual financial situation to improve. There's an old saying "When money problems come in the door, love goes flying out the window". Point out to her that this is causing you a great deal of stress. Ask her to take in some children to take care of, or make garments to sell at the fair or bake - anything that would add to the family funds. It isn't fair for one person to carry the entire load and it's wrong for her to threaten to leave with your little girl - you have rights as her father and most of all your little girl HAS RIGHTS to see her father and should not be used as a pawn in the hands of her mother.
2007-09-17 10:41:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, money is a HOT button in most marriges.. .I suggest you handle the bills and give her a weekly/biweekly allowance.. If she "wants" more than that then she's just going to have to get a JOB ! I was recently a SAHM of 2 boys ! I always felt badly about wanting things/spending on myself since my husband was working overtime and trying to make ends meet ! So, I got a small part-time job and it's GREAT.. I make a bit of spending money, I get to be around other adults and he gets to have one-one time with the kids... So, I would suggest that she get a job to also pay back overdraft fees and such... As for her taking your daughter away, she's just using that to get to you... You both might want to seek some sort of counseling.
2007-09-17 10:59:56 · answer #5 · answered by pebblespro 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's not going to leave. She's just upset because of the financial problems. If she can stop the over drafting the account then maybe she can see the financial problem will get better. Instead of pointing the finger at herself, she is pointing it at you. Everyone holds a responsibility in this marriage. She is being very selfish right now. If she wants, you to make more money. She needs to encourage you and guide you.
2007-09-17 10:42:10 · answer #6 · answered by loves2dream2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like you need three solutions..... Budget, you pay the bills and she needs to help with either a job or get a better one. We had some real problems and I was the one that got the better job... Its kind of nice not having all that stress from debt on you, and never seeing and overdraft fee anymore.
She needs to be your partner in this life, not your mother type! If she threatens again, all you need to do is remind her of her vows and while you're doing all you can, there is only so many hours in a day. I would say that she needs to pitch in if things are that bad off.
2007-09-17 10:41:54 · answer #7 · answered by Beatngu 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all a marriag is built on trust love and honestly and she is being honest with you on one hand it is silly for her to want to end the marrriage because you had over draf checks you have to pay off and that you need to get a better job sounds like she is not supportive of you in the first place.
Now she is threating to take your child away from you in this situation is sort of sticky because there is a child involved she using this child as control over you. if truly loved you she wouldnt say this to you sounds like it just a money issue and there is no love there you are trying to do the best that you can. If she want to leave than let her because this show you though difficult times she will not be there for you. let her move on and take care of your child get a lawyer.
What ever makes you happy,
best of luck
2007-09-17 10:47:03 · answer #8 · answered by mmurray001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she can not take your little girl totally away from you there are laws that gives you rights to have half custody of your little girl and it sounds like you need to tell the woman who is after only spending money to get going and you will take care of your checking account when you have a woman like that its always gonna be that way you would be better off letting her hit the road. get a new checking account and start putting your checks in there so you can pay the bills and not spending your whole check on over draft fees no one gets ahead by doing this. and your not doing yourself or her by letting her any favors by letting her get away with this.
2007-09-17 10:44:48 · answer #9 · answered by moe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems like she isn't doing her share to try to get your finances in control. You say you are working hard, so the least she can do is help, not hinder.
If the finances are in chaos due to you maxing out credit cards, she may be angry over that.
But she really should try harder to work with you.
Next time she threatens to leave, tell her you need a wife to help you, not criticize and make things worse by being careless with the checkbook.
Tell her if she doesn't intend to be a partner with you, maybe she should go.
2007-09-17 10:49:06 · answer #10 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋