I really need advice here (i know what's in my heart, but would like to hear your opinion)?

Question

try and make a long story short. moved closer to my mom in december due to her health. well, just recently her health has taken a turn for the worse.

here's the situation. i'm starting to feel like i have to choose between my husband or my mom. in my heart i feel like i need to do all i can do to help my mom. i honestly believe that... she took care of me when i was growing up, til i left home. now, i feel like it's my turn to do all i can do to help take care of her. my husband is not very helpful/thoughtful in this situation. he wants me to spend more time with him instead of caring for my mom all the time (cause i haven't been giving him the attention that he feels he needs). i feel like its goin to cost me my marriage. which i told him that he's being selfish. he has NO relationship with his mom, so he doesn't understand.

i know what my heart is telling me to do, i just wanted to get advice on what others are thinking

Answer 1

wow. where do i begin...... All i can really tell you dear is to follow your heart. You can't make him understand what you are going thru with your mother..... and it would be like beating your head against a wall to even try. But everything that happens in life, happens for a reason. And this could be there to open your eyes to who your husband really is. How selfish and inconsiderate he really is. So you may want to heed this warning.

And kudoos on being strong enough to be there for your mom. I ahve seen too many children that will throw a sick parent under the bus in a heartbeat for a whinny spouse, and it makes me sick

But remember, you can always get another husband if need be (i know you may not want to, but hey it is what it is) but you are only given one mother in this life.

I hope everything works out for you dear. take care

Answer 2

This is the cold answer.
Your mother's health is slipping. Her doctors can tell you how much time is left. If it is going to be drawn out spend more time at home. If on the other hand time is fleeting, you only have one opportunity to do right by her.
You will never be able to forgive yourself if you do not take that opportunity. I think deep down this is what you are feeling.

Husband is acting out because you are not giving him the attention HE NEEDS? He needs to grow up. We are literally talking about a life and death situation here and he is acting like you are not treating him right?
That level of shallowness is really not worthy of discussion.

Your mother gave you your life and raised you through all the childhood illnesses. Apparently she did her job well enough to instill the ethic that you cannot leave her in her time of need. If husband cannot comprehend that then he is a long way from the maturity where understanding begins.

No person who has raised children should deal with illness later in life alone. This is the reality that your children should understand as well.
A man understands this. A boy does not. This is where he should start acting like a man and ask how he can help instead of the child's "what about me" crap.These issue occur with all of us if we live long enough. It is how we deal with then which defines us .

Yours is a choice that no one should ever have to make.

This life lesson is lost on many. Those are the people who are doomed to pass alone. This is family. This is life.

Answer 3

You made a vow to leave your parents and join together with your husband. This is what marriage is.
You may feel called to take care of your mother. That is understandable. Is there a reason why you can't move her closer to where you are? Are there brothers and sisters or other family members to help with her care? Are you able to hire someone so that you can reduce your time spent with her and put some of the focus back on your husband?
It almost seems as though you are looking for a way out of the marriage.

Answer 4

It sounds like you need to care more about yourself as a starting point rather than you Mum or your husband.

Stop being such a martyr and punishing yourself for not being able to do everything.
Think about your own wellbeing first, even if that means taking the painful chocie of not paying attention to either for a few minutes each day.

I can understand why your husband feels like that and it is fair he wants "you" time (you made a commitment to him when you married him - he married you, not your family) - his past shapes his attitude towards the situation as much as yours shapes yours - so his feelings are valid, and it is a good relationship where those feelings are expressed - even if you don't always agree.

Can you 100% honestly say that if you moved to a different place for your husband's mum (if they were as close as you and your mum are) then he spent all his time looking after her you wouldn't be a bit put out by it? What if this happened and every time he came home from looking after her he was too tired to talk and seemed unhappy and worried? You wouldn't like it.

It is a far better scenario that he is telling you he is feeling he is not getting the attention he needs than not telling you anything while your relationship collapses without you knowing.

He has supported you , he moved with you closer to your mother for a start, but he probably is starting to feel "enough is enough". Is there not anyone else who can help with your mother as well? Maybe he feels you are being exploited by your family.

Don't tell him you think he is being selfish, as he will automatically argue. Sit down and rationally work it out with him - and at least come to some sort of arrangement where you get to spend some quality time with him. Treat it as a "given" that you need at least some time to look after your mum.

If your mum is ill you aren't going to be enjoying your time with her much at the moment, so you need to stress to your husband that is is vital to both of your's happiness that when you are together you enjoy each other's company and use that time most wisely.

Good luck - you sound tired and you need to sit back from the scene a little, relax, take a breather, and work it out. You have good communications in your relationship and thats the starting point for a healthy marriage!

Answer 5

I understand you are torn. But your mother wants you to be happy. If you love your husband and have a good marriage, then she would feel terrible if she was the cause of that ending. Your mother's life is going to run its course, and if the worst happens, then where will you be? Alone and unhappy. I know your mother wouldn't want that.

See what you can do to arrange other friends and family to care for your mom. If she needs round the clock care, then perhaps you need to look at some sort of hospice or nursing home. If she just needs a hand around the house once in a while, then visit her less often and once in a while include your husband. He may not have a relationship with his mother, but this is your mother and you do, he needs to think of your needs at this time as well. He married you for better and for worse, and this is one of those "worse" times.

Your mother took care of you growing up because that was her job. My guess is she doesn't feel you owe her anything. Your husband is telling you what he needs and you need to pay attention to that before he tells someone else that his wife is neglecting him. Best wishes.

Answer 6

You are setting yourself up for a double loss. Your mother is going to die eventually, and if you keep on putting her first, your marriage is going to die too. And then you will be left with - what? You'll be a grief-filled, embittered old woman, doomed to pass your later years in isolation and despair.
You can provide a reasonable amount of concerned care for your mother - trouble is, you don't know when enough is enough. Your mother is not at her best and incapable of saying to you "ok child, now go spend some time with your husband".
It's not your husband who's being selfish! He has every right to expect that you put him and your marriage first. If you don't - well, remember what I said about your later years. That's not the sort of future you want - and remember, no matter what you do, you cannot spare your mother the suffering of death. You can, however, try too hard.

Answer 7

I think you need to get someone that can come in and help with your Mom every now and again so that you can maintain a relationship with the other people in your life. Or put her in a nursing home.

Put the shoe on the other foot. You would probably complain if your husband worked 12 hour days 7 days a week, unless you are an emotionally unattached person. You can't fault him for wanting to spend time with you.

Answer 8

I would ask your husband what his needs are that are not being met? I would also continue to take care of your mother, you can look into hospice care if it's warranted. (They can alleveate some of the pressure to be there with your mom all the time). If you don't take care of your mother you will regret it later and resent your husband for making you choose. Communication is key, you have to meet somewhere in the middle. If he can't understand that then too bad. You mother is just as important, as saving your marriage if you want it to work. But you have to ask and compromise on the time thatyou spend with your husband.

Answer 9

Its a tough situation that you have to balance. You have to care for your mother obviously, but you also have a responsibility to your husband. Of course it would be easier if he understood more, but he doesn't so no need to beat a dead horse on that one. The best thing you can do is split your time as evenly as possible. I hope he doesn't force you to choose him over your mom, but also remember that eventually we all pass on, and we need those loved ones there afterwards.
So what I am saying is, do all you can to help your mother be comfortable, but remember that you aren't a doctor and there is only so much you can do for her. Maybe during times when she is sleeping and there is absolutely nothing you can do, spend that time with your husband.
Hope that thought helps some, and good luck.

Answer 10

I know you love your mother and want to help her. Just by moving closer is a tremdous start. You are married now and your husband needs you and you need to be with him. Sit down with him and work out a schedule so that you can help your mom and be with your family.
We moved my mom up to be closer to us and help her out more. My husband said I spent more quality time with her than I did with him. My mom passed away last year unexpectantly and I found myself very lonely. I did find the right balance between both and was blessed to have her in my life. That being said, When I married my husband we created a new family and that is where my loyatlies belonged.

Lisa