Let him know that his actions are going to tear your relationship apart. Tell him that the girls are old enough to see for themselves what kind of father he is. They will see that what their mom is saying is not true. They aren't stupid. If he wants their love, he has to have their respect and he's not getting it by buying their love. They will see him as a pushover, and not a fatherly figure. Sometimes you have to say NO to a child to let them know you love them. It may be hard and it may take a while for the child to see the love due to the fact that they didn't get their way, but eventually, when they mature, they will see it and the respect they have for you will grow.
2007-09-17 00:36:23
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answer #1
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answered by Anonymous
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I have my children most of the time, but even in MY situation, there is alot of guilt and subconscious feelings of wanting to be the "favorite parent".....or at least not being the "mean" parent. It tends to be that the parent that does the disciplining is not the favorite......even though they may be doing a better job.
My way of doing the right thing and appeasing myself at the same time is this: No, don't buy your children everything they want. Don't cater to their every whim. But what you CAN do is plan family things that all 5 of you can do together that the girls will enjoy and get some quality TIME and memories from, even if they don't cost alot. I do things like pack a picnic at a park, maybe one they haven't been to and let them bring their bikes. We go on nature hikes. We go apple picking. Go to the beach. We have movie nights on Saturdays when the kids pick the movie and snack. Have dinner at the diner or go out for icecream. These things cost less then buying them a "gift" every minute and they are much more lasting and memorable. And it's on the PARENTS TERMS and something the parents are suggesting, NOT somethign the kids beg for and are instantly handed to them. If they dont' appreciate these moments spent together when they're young, they WILL when they're mature. And then they will be able to look back and reflect on what their mother said about their dad and know she was full of crap. And BTW, I think it's inexcusable for any parent to bad mouth another parent.......it's only hurting the kids in the long run.
2007-09-17 00:42:34
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answer #2
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answered by paintgirl 4
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So he does it out of guilt.
That won't help his kids later when he has no money.
It is how he treats them when they are around that means the most to them.
They just want to see their dad and be treated like he cares.
If he keeps buying what ever they want they will soon think that the money is more important and think that their boy friends or mom should do the same, you can spoil a child with out money.
They will get to the point that they will use him for his money and to get their way when mom don't let them.
He is not teaching them that family is important and we need to make the most of it why we can.
He needs to start stopping it now why he can it will be major trouble later on as they get older if not already.
I have a lot of kids that come to my home 15-20 out of those kids all the parents are divorced. Except 2 Each and every one of them always say they don't care about the money they just want them to spend time with the other parent and they get real upset when the parent says they are getting them for a weekend or a whole week and then it gets canceled for some reason or another and that is when the kids get real mad at them.
The kids don't like it when a parent says they are going to do something and then don't so make sure he always keeps his word.
I have also noticed that the kids with divorced parents spend way more time with me & my husband than they do my kids.
Some of these kids have been hanging around since they was 10 and it don't seem to matter how old they are it is the same story every time.
He said he was getting me this weekend and he never showed up.
Has your boyfriend ever seen a childs face when they are looking for them and they don't show up? It is the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life and I would not wish that on anyone.
I think the kids hang at my place cause I make them feel like they count for something, and their feelings are important.
Because they do count and they are important.
2007-09-17 02:45:35
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answer #3
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answered by Emptiness 4
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First of all, there are no limits on a fathers responsibility to his daughters. Like it or not, they should come first in his life. He is not being an "ex-husband" he is being a father.
Second, he should be treating them as if he was still with them. That means he is a father not a wallet. If he's not coupling the money with good parenting, then he's not doing what's right for his daughters. Spoiling children is never a good idea and kids should always work for their money, doing chores around the house.
You don't say what he's spending the money on, but you might want to sit down as a family and talk about it. If its all the extras kids need, then its reasonable to expect to have to do that. Kids are expensive, even the ones that are not spoiled.
And frankly this sounds like a veiled threat. Be sure that wasn't your intention, if I can pick it up, so can he.
2007-09-17 01:13:04
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answer #4
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answered by tjnstlouismo 7
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first he needs to know that this is affecting your relationship and you need to address this if you plan on being together for a while. Also he needs to hear it from a different source. Meaning someone who isn't so closely involved to tell him that all he's doing is creating spoiled brats who will expect the same when they are adults and eventually get married. Ask him this? Does he want to create children who's emotional needs are tired up in monetary items? A spouse or boyfriend who can never meet their needs like daddy did? I've seen it time and time again. Women in relationships with men who aren't happy becasue the men feel pressure to buy stuff to keep them happy. Relationships gone because of soemthing that could have been prevented.
Tell him to start doing things like volunteer work, and take the girls with him. They can do lunch or dinner afterwards, quality time where they can talk. It needs to stop now before they get older and the wants get bigger
2007-09-17 01:47:32
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answer #5
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answered by Lisa D 5
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Unfortunately, some men don't understand or see what their children are doing to them, especially their daughters. I'm in a similar situation. My hubby and I have spending money each week as part of our budget. We both get the same amount and have to make it last. We pay support to his ex-wife and if he wants his daughter to have more (I'm not talking about the essentials, we still pitch in for that stuff), he has to use his spending money for the week to give it to her. This makes him step back and evaluate what she needs and what she just wants, because it directly affects his ability to get through the week if he gives her too much. We have my son all the time, and I receive support for him. We take care of the essentials for him as we do her, but to keep it fair, if I want him to have something else, I have to do the same thing and use my personal spending money.
He obviously feels a tremendous amount of guilt, like my hubby does. He is overcompensating - and most times you do need to back off, unless it is directly affecting you. When it comes to finances, you most definitely have a say in how much is spent on those children outside of normal child support. It is your business - though a lot of men will give you their opinion and tell you that it isn't. You can't push too hard, though, because when it comes to daddies and their little girls, if you try to interfere too much, you will lose. So tread carefully, but be firm about your excpectations. You are right about one thing - if you don't address this, it will tear you apart, because you will only begin to feel resentment towards his children - if you don't already - and that will eventually ruin your relationship. Good luck, I know these issues are never easy to deal with.
2007-09-17 00:58:32
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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Above all, don't nag him. No matter what happens, his children will, and should, always come first. If you try and get between that, you will lose, no matter if he sees the truth or not. Try to plan fun family outings when the girls are with the two of you. Go to the park and throw a frisbee, go bike riding together, get their friends together and have a softball or cabbage ball game. Buy fixings for a big dinner and have everyone join in the preparation. Find anything free or inexpensive that everyone can be involved in, and he will be able to see for himself that in having fun and laughing together, you can create memories that while low in cost, are actually priceless.
2007-09-17 02:38:00
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answer #7
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answered by Anonymous
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Too bad you and your boyfriend didn't watch the speical news report last week about children of divorce.
All the children really wanted is TIME with their parent(s) as a family and NOT the material things.
They even polled the children about what they wanted and the majority was TIME.
Money and materials are meaningless things that are discarded, replaced, etc. But TIME. How precious a commodity that nobody ever seems to have enough of. If he gave his children his TIME instead of his money, he would develop a far better relationship with them, regardless of what the ex says. Children are smart. They can figure things out like that.
2007-09-17 01:22:19
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answer #8
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answered by peggy m 5
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STOP buying. If he wants he can give each of the kids ?? $$ for an allowance each week. They can buy what they want with their money and when the money runs out so does their buying. It will teach them how to spend wisly and to save for something that cost more than what he gives them. He is not doing them a favor. They love him, but what kid wouldn't keep hitting the bank and see how much they can get. They should learn that you can't have everything you want. Does he feel quilty about the divorce and thinks he can make up for it, which he can't.
2007-09-17 00:44:39
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answer #9
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answered by LIPPIE 7
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As a person in your boyfriends situation he is trying to do all he can for his kids to love him and see that he is a good father even if it means spending money on them. It really hurts when an ex wife talks bad about you to your kids even though you know you are not a bad person. He wants to be there for his kids and give them things to help ease all the pain they have gone through...Is it right? I don't know, but he probably feels that his kids come first and I would surly let you go before my own kids.
2007-09-17 00:47:58
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answer #10
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answered by Anonymous
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