confusion...?

Question

My wife has told me to, back off and she dosen't feel that way about me. Anything loving, caring, thoughfull dose NOT affect things between us the out come of our marriage. She also wants me to move out and live near by, with the possiblity of us fixing our marriage. On the other hand, she would like me to still particapte in family day to day events. ie. diner, movies, working with a dog trainer for our two dogs. My heart is unable to handle being teased, be stuck in the middle. My question is, dose she intend to leave me or get back together, or just keep me hanging on so that she is still able to recieve benifits from my job? And how will I be able to test her to find out? Am I just a sucker who believes in love and marriage or is she testing me to see if I will stick around, because my job has had me away for most of our marriage? PLEASE HELP

Answer 1

flip the script, and move out and far away. you start a new life yourself.

Answer 2

You really don't have enough info there and it is a little confusing. I'm going out on a limb here:

First, if she doesn't love you then she doesn't love you. From what you wrote, it almost sounds like she wants you to sort of date her? Dinner, movies, etc.

I would set my foot down..if she wants out then she can move. No job? Not your problem.

No good ever comes out of testing relationships. I have never met a single person that has ever truly passed any of those tests. Trust is earned. Respect is given. Love grows.

If you are away because of your job, is there a position that you can get that will keep you closer to home? You can't fix marital problems if you are not there to fix them. That includes moving out. How would that fix the marriage? I see it as just opening the door to being single.

I am assuming you do not have children since you did not mention them. In a way that is good. The decisions you are faced with are all about you and her.

I wouldn't move. If she wants to work things out she can do it with the two of you together. If she wants to go, then by all means, let her go and try to support herself. I would not pay the way for her, (unless it was court ordered).

Are you going to come out and ask her just what is she expecting? Are you willing to do this trial separation on her terms? You do realize that it does open the door for dating others, right?

Answer 3

Ahhh...I see. She wants to have her cake and eat it too! While you're at it, ask her if she'd like to use you for stud services as well. *rolls eyes* Women know women. She's USING you! When you say "family" events...do you mean you have children, or just the two dogs?? If you don't have kids, tell her to pull her cranium out of her anal cavity! NO WAY should you be at her beck and call! She doesn't love you, doesn't care, etc. then what makes her think she's entitled to walk all over your heart and emotions! If you have kids, then do the right thing by your kids, but this does NOT include catering to HER every whim! She OBVIOUSLY doesn't have any respect for you and thinks you'll cave in and do just what she wants you to do! She wants this, she wants that...

Test her?? She told you to leave! You're NOT a sucker just because you believe in love and marriage, However, you WILL BE a sucker if you give her what she's demanding! If she wants to work things out, then the TWO of you should be trying to work things out...not just HER telling YOU what SHE wants! Move on with your life and look forward to the day when you find someone who has respect for you and will love you without "conditions"! Good luck! (((hugs)))

Answer 4

You are presently living in what is termed as a utility relationship. Some people are ok with that. HOWEVER, the whole "move out of the house but stay close" is not a good thing to say to your spouce and any professional out there will tell you that its a very disasterous move. Its the start of a bad situation. You should never split up to fix a relationship. Its does not work that way. What your wife said was very disrespectful and you have every right in the world to stay right where you are. The fact that you work hard for your family should have no bearing on that issue. The lack of intimacy on the other hand can be attributed to absence over a period of time depending on the person in question. Some people require more time with another person to be or feel intimate even if they have known and loved someone for a long time. They tell returning soldiers to ease back into things and not to expect an incredible night in the sack on the first night. Females are communicators and intimacy is more mental where males tend to be hands on. Yet "not feeling that way" towards you is rather in your face. Buddy Im not sure what your relationship has been like prior nor how it was before you got married but what your wife said was very selfish and uncaring. I understand not feeling intimate because of absence to an extent......... but to flat out say "I dont feel that way towards you" and "pack your crap and get out but live close and hang out with the kids and I during the day".............. I am about to say something sexist that I may regret. Understand this basic principal........ love and respect come hand in hand. Friendship and respect come hand in hand. My approach would be to say "Listen, I realise that I work hard at times and that I am sometimes not lucky enough to be home because of it. However I expect some consideration and respect as your husband and if my paycheck is good enough you can bet me living in my own home is acceptable to." Then I would stand back and ask myself if there is something that can be done to help the situation or if I should take other steps to make sure that I use the one life I have been given to know what love is. I know that sounds harsh but my fellow male compadre......... she is way out of line. Trust me on that.

Answer 5

Be a man and tell her that you aren't going anywhere! That's probably why she thinks she can tell you to get out of your own home, because you are, or she perceives you to be, a "jellyfish."

If you have been on the road for most of your relationship, the likelyhood is (I regret to say) that she has found outside companionship already, judging by the information you have provided.

Too often, simply being a nice person is equated with weakness by many who will fully exploit that characteristic for their own selfish means.

My guess is that the house, your job and your lack of presence at home, are all things this viper has come accustomed to.

Take the reigns of this relationship and understand that you only have two options.

My choice would be to begin transfering funds to a safe place (untouchable by her, or the courts) IMMEDIATELY!

I wouldn't be so concerned about her comfort, or needs financially, the American court system has a track record that assures us that YOU WILL be paying "through the nose" for her comfort until the end of your days (or until she gets remarried).

Just be glad you haven't had kids with her. This would be just another method used to manipulate you and leech more $$ for her in the future, in addition to two more lives that would be affected by all this.

Don't be sympathetic or "understanding," you've already seen what your hard work, love & caring will bring with this person.

I really hate to be so harsh, but sometimes people who are all too ready to give and accommodate others who are EXPLOiTING them, just need a good swift kick in the @ss to "wakeup" from their delirium.
Don't get played!

I wish it wasn't so, but it seems to be the way of the world.
However, your future may very well be determined by your fortitude and subsequent actions in this situation, and thus provide you with a person who is more worthy of your affections.

Remember, this is ALL simply a test.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

hey guy,

I'm where you're at. firstly, if you two live together, and are both on the lease, you don't have to go ANYWHERE. There is no need for you to play chivalrous... it's stupid in 2007 when women can work. if she's not cooperating, and doesn't want to deal with you, leave the front door wide open.

If you have children, DO NOT create any situation where she can remove them from your household, because without a court order, you can't get them back. Consider setting up child care, ON YOUR OWN, in case she is ready to try this often-used trick (she wants to leave with your kids, you would have no place to send them if she left them, and end up on the short end of the stick)

Thirdly, unless you think it's worth it, and this might take some thinking, file for a legal separation or divorce once she leaves. Do consider that if she's making far less money than you, this might mean paying some alimony. But you can't buy peace of mind, so if you can, deal with it as long as you can and quietly move on with your life.

It's stressful. Consider some counseling to deal with your anger. But you need to keep COOL, because she will have all the power if you lose your head (and the police will have grounds to move in and show you!!)

Good luck!

Answer 7

Okay...when I used to act like that it was because I had someone on the side and instead of being a big girl and dumping the first guy I'd keep him around for the things I want that I couldn't get from guy number 2. Looks like she wants to be single with the benifits of being married. Which, forobvious reasons, doesn't work. Test her? Just tell her she can either work on it together with you in the home or (depending on who bought the home) she can move out since it was her idea for one of ya'll to move out. Sorry if this is a bit harsh.

Answer 8

It could be the fact that your job has kept you away. I know this,because I have a friend that his job is always out of town and I really have gotten used to him being away. When he comes around, he is annoying. I don't use him for anything, because of the fact that I haven't decided if I want to be bother with him and his work for the next 7 years. I would not leave if I were you. If she want to ''work on the marriage''. Then she would have to do it with me in the next room. What difference is it? She want you to act like her husband, but not live with you like a married couple. Maybe there's someone else? If it is... I will let it be known, that under no circumstance will I give benefits to a person that want a life with someone else. I will not leave my house to let her have it to see her lover in. You shouldn't leave anyway, that's unnecessary money being spent.

Answer 9

she wants to keep u around to use u, so her life doesn't change that drastically, but if there are problems in a relationship the last thing to do would be to leave the home, if one was trying to restore a marriage u would stay in the marriage and home and work out the problems. she may have a boyfriend waiting in the wings and needs u out of the house so u won't know whats going on. leaving the home is no way to restore things, this is no test, she wants u out of the home so she can do whatever it is that she wants to do. but she still wants to be able to depend on u for the bills, dogs, and whatever else u do around the home. but this isn't fair to u, i would say theres someone else in your marriage u don't know about.

Answer 10

Move, and cut contact with her other than seeing the children, if you have any. Tell her that you are not interested in just sitting in on the things tht go on with the family. Tell her that if she wants her freedom, it is all or nothing. You will be able to tell if it is her trying to use you or if she really cares by the answer she gives you when you tell her this. If you have no children, cut all ties with her, and move so far away that she can not know everything that is going on in your life. That will make her curious, and think about whether or not she wants to lose you.

She can't have her cake and eat it too, or she will just continue to use you.

Answer 11

I'd like to know whether we're getting the whole story here??? How have you let her down? I can't imagine pushing away my husband without very good reason....which he continues to provide....maybe in reality it is you who wants your cake and eat it.....just what have you been up to? And if I am on the right track, give your wife a break and move on out, she may be scared and dependent but she deserves peace.