On the verge of divorce with kids Live in Texas?

Question

My husband and I are on the verge of divorce.We have been married a year and a half and have 2 children.I love my husband dearly, but cant find my way anymore.We have had sexual problems in our marriage for about 9 months.He stopped wanting it.It hurt and finally I figured he was cheating. Im not sure that he wasnt and still isnt but I did find out why.I had gotten pregnant again a while back and miscarried.I gained some weight and he said that while he thought I was beautiful he wasnt attracted to me.He has always been very visual and made me feel bad about myself.I have tried our whole marriage to be what he wants, short hair, clothes etc... its not enough.He always wants more.Right now hes upset about where his life is headed.He said hes bored with the family life and with me and the kids. My kids love him and my 3 year old son and 1 yr old daughter will be devestated.He says he wants to work on it but wont try for more than a few days. What now? I am a SAHM w/ no work history.

I have lost a lot of the weight but still nothing from him. I dont think he even notices. I have felt like a single parent for a long time now. Hes gone many hours and not home often unless its to sleep or play on the computer or watch tv. My kids and I rarely get attention and I feel so low of myself its not even funny.

Answer 1

Keep a daily diary on EVERYTHING he does and doesn't do.
What time he leaves, what time he comes home.
Ask him where's he's been then document your answers in your daily diary. You might see a pattern.

The first problem that I read, that flew a big red flag was your saying..."I have tried our whole marriage to be what HE wants".

BIG MISTAKE...although I know what you are doing, I did the same thing and found myself utterly unhappy.

You need to be yourself, stop doing everything for him, to suit his needs. What about your needs? You are busy with the kids, and please don't let him brainwash you into thinking you are fat....please!

If he had any respect for you, he wouldn't do that to you. I believe he is watching you lose your self esteem and that makes me angry.

Men will also lose their sex drive in fear you will get pregnant again. And what if you did bring another child into the world? Could you afford it? Would he be around to be a father to it? NO, It doesn't sound like it.

First, start your day out with getting the kids taken care of. On your first break sit down with two pads of paper.
The first pad is going to be where you want changes to be made to YOUR life, to help you become a happier person, wife and mother. Did you notice the order I placed them in? You are a person first, hey if mommy isn't happy, no one is happy right?

Secondly, you are a wife and before the children came, they had to be some surprises and romance (I hope ). Purchase some condoms, fix you two a nice friday or saturday night dinner and surprise him (along with the condoms upfront, just say ...just for protection honey:)

You are also a mother, and with children at those ages, they are very demanding.
Ask your husband to give the kids their baths while you go and soak in the tub with a candle and glass of wine and some music (to drown out the kids playing in the tub)
If you don't start doing something for yourself, you might find yourself alone and then trying to make yourself happy when you should be doing it now.

Tell your husband you need more help with the kids from him a few nights a week.
If you give the kids their bath, have him do the dishes and get the coffee ready for the am. if he doesn't know how to do it, show him.

So protect yourself in case he is having an affair. In your 2nd notebook or pad of paper, will be your daily diary.

This is for your eyes only !! Go somewhere everynight at the end of the day, and write it all down.
If and I said "IF" he's having an affair, because I think you said you weren't working, you need to protect yourself and your children. You could get him on Adultry if you plan. If he is cheating and you catch him, DONT SLEEP WITH HIM ONCE YOU FIND OUT. OR everything will be forgiven. But he should pay you alimony and child support if he is cheating.

Do not listen to any remarks he has to say that are negative toward you. Tell him you aren't going to listen to negative critisism, but you are open to "constuctive" critisism.

By allowing your husband to speak to you so disrespectfuly, it could take years to get your self esteem back. So it's up to you to tell him he's wasting good air around you. If he can't say anything nice,don't say anything at all.

Start standing up for yourself, Did you use too be more of an indepent person when he first met you? If you say yes and you aren't now, get that old girl back asap for everyones sake ok?

Good luck, keep your chin up and your nose down :)

Answer 2

What now? If you haven't gone to counseling yet (yourself, if he won't go ith you), then now's the time. I don't know what the costs are where you are, maybe there's a low-cost clinic if you can't afford it-- but you need to get some mental support here.

What you may not realize is that you're actually been living in a "borderline" abusive relationship. Your husband is "visual"? No, darling, your husband is controlling. Lose weight, hcnage your hair, change your clothes... you've lost your own identity and you need it back.

He's bored? Sure-- he's done what he wants to do with you and he doesn't want to get to work. Start getting online to do some courses that can help you get some qualifications. If there are people who can help watch the children, take a day course or launch into a small, part time "entry level" job where all you will need are the skills you currently have (real life, school) to get things started.

When your husband DOES try, make sure you are trying 100% with him-- and if he's not, don't stoop to his level. Stay calm, but assertive, look after yourself and your children, and you may end up having to move your life for real into what it's been feeling like for a long time now-- single motherhood.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, sweetie. Prayers coming your way. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

Best you take a personal inventory and start living life for YOU instead of HIM. There's always work at Walmart or the post office. If he is indeed cheating and looking to leave, dont be afraid to talk about supporting your children (in the least) before he goes. He may figure that if you don't talk about it, then he won't either; if you don't raise it as a concern, he has no duty to (which technically, he does not have any duty to raise it as a concern). People sure are nice, aren't they?

Moreover, you may be depressed or angry, but staying there and allowing it to control you won't help feed your children, and if your hubby wants to leave you certainly can't make him come back. Consider counseling during this tough time, as you may need some fresh ideas on getting your groove back.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

It's not you at all and you shouldn't feel like you need to change for him if he's not willing to work with you. It's a shame that after only 2 years he's tired of the family life but he married you and should be willing to try. He doesn't know who he is right now and needs to find himself as it seems you do too. Don't lose weight for him do it for yourself and figure out if you want to keep trying really. There are places that can help you to get on your feet. I'm not suggesting drastic measures but if he won't try there is no use.

Answer 5

The answer may not be that simple.... but let me try this. It sounds like you are assuming what it is that you think he wants or what you can do toi make him happy and give you more attention.

What often is not understood in a relastionship... is that DESIRE is not an automatic thing..... DESIRE gets more difficult over time.... this is a fact... It TAKES more and more effort over time... to maintain a good level of desire by both parties.

The first step... that most couples find difficulty with... is talking about it.... It will work wonders if done kindly over time....

Maybe there is something about sex that he wants or needs,,,,and is afraid to ask,,,,,, Let him know that you want and desire him ..assuming you do..... and try to get him to talk about it,,,

(( DO NOT DO THIS WHILE IN BED..... Meaning Talk On The Couch or somewhere else other that in bed...))

Answer 6

Honey you need to get out of that relationship, he has beat your self esteem down so low, you need to pick yourself up and move on you deserve better, Don't settle for less than you deserve there is a whole world out there waiting go and find what you deserve.

Answer 7

your really better off with out him hun, you don't deserve to be treated like this, truth is you've tried to hard , you should never had tried to be anything but yourself and should of loved you for that, sad to say his on his way
you WILL find some one else and if you learn from your mistakes it will be a whole lot better
you sound like a lovely person and there are plenty of good men looking for a loving partner
its hard i know
time will tell

Answer 8

Start job hunting - see if you can land yourself a decent job. Brush up on your office skills, look into classes, and/or even see if you have a friend who can show you how to do things.

Once you land a job, work hard. Be loyal. Be prompt. Know that you need to, so you can take care of your babies.

Let him go...do you really want to grow old with someone who puts your hairstyle or your appearance before love, trust, and respect?!?

You can do it. Lots of other women have. You are not alone!

Best wishes...........

Answer 9

OHG, get out of there. The kids may not be devistated. If dad is rarely ever home. If the kids ever see you two fight argue or cuss, they would be better off. Strong, independent and happy kids don't have to come from a home with parents never divorced. When me and my ex got divorced, our daughter was so happy that we did because she was tired of hearing it. Tired of seeing me cry and feel down about myself. Watching me try and try for nothing. We are so much happier now than we ever were. If you have no work history? Go to school to become a CNA if you can handle that sort of thing. Certified Nursing Assistant. This is what I am. Never thought I would EVER do this line of work. But I love and respect my elders. THey deserve to be loved and cared for in their last days on this earth. They built what we all have. Why not thank them by taking care of them. Anyways, It only takes a few weeks to become one. The pay can be great, Then after you get to looking, you can be sent to school to become an LPN or a RN. This will double and triple your pay. You and your children could have a good life and even a better one without this man hanging around, making you feel less of a woman. Less than who you are. We are all equals, Its time to show that you are. Take that first step, then the second. You will be amazed how your life will turn out. Let him go play. Let him be the child he wants to be. But make him pay support. Don't let him out of that one. And did you know that if you go to school to become a nurse, You can go through state and federal grants that will pay YOU to go to school and pay for your schooling in full. THerefore you don't have to worry about working while going to school. Check it out. Good Luck to ya. Don't forget to open your own account that he can't get into. If you have a joint account, take it. If he wants to do you wrong, then let him pay. Think of needing money for future for the kids with food, schooling, clothing, etc. It may take awhile to get support established. OH, and make as many appt. as possible with attorneys for free consultations. If you go see them, HE CAN NOT. They can't represent him when you were already there. Thats one way to make it alittle harder for him. File for the Seperation and temporary custody of the kids, the house you need for your children. The car, you need for your children. I don't know about texas, but here in Illinois, My fiance only makes 14.00 an hour plus his drill weekends with the Army National Guard. His ex, not only got the boys which in all honesty, she shouldn't have them, we just couldn't afford to live and keep fighting. We've been fighting for custody for 2 years now.
Well, she was awarded almost $1,000. a month. but 250 is for maintenance the rest is child support. The court system in Tazewell county in Pekin Illinois is very unjust. Now they are going after his drill checks each month and has already been signed by the court. Go figure. His ex is just money hungry. She was working up until right before their divorce. Now she just sits on her bum collecting child support, maintenance, and assistance from the state. Lives in gov't housing paying only 75.a month. I would like to do that to, but I have standards. Work. Being a mother means setting a fine example for your kids to suceed in this crazy unjust world. So don't let that man get you down. Just shoo him away and get on with your life. Sorry that I bounced back and forth on this one.

Answer 10

what you do is get the money from the savings and make a account for yourself and take money and use it for the lawyer. you need to take care o f you and the baby and head to shelter and get with it now before hes gone. that way when he does have to pay support you can get him for it now take care.