Youre an "OK" husband.. Not ideal but responsible, faithful etc. And you work really hard at your job.

Question

Sometimes you end up neglecting your family. One day you find out your wife is having an affair with a 23 year old boy from her church. What would you feel and how would you react?

Please - no violent or vulgar reactions. Please give me a patient and wise answer.

Sometimes you end up neglecting your family thanks to your frequent travel on work. But you always feel that youre working to provide comfort/luxury to your family, so it doesnt seem so bad.

But one day you find out your wife is having an affair with a 23 year old boy from her church. What would you feel and how would you react?

Please - no violent or vulgar reactions. Please give me a patient and wise answer.

Answer 1

Sometimes we neglect, or take one another for granted...but we all have to put in an effort, just because we marry, or enter into a long term relationship with someone, doesnt make it ok for us to stop the romance, or to stop making time to be with your family. I understand you work hard to support your family, and youre faithful and all the rest, but we need to realise that to keep a functional relationship we need to nurture it.

Im sorry about your predicament, but at the end of the day...we all have needs and wants, and sorry to say, but sometimes if those basic needs arent fulfilled...of course other men are gonna take advantage of the situation. They see a beautiful woman, who needs attention and love..and what person wouldnt empathise?

I really hope you sort things out with your woman.

Answer 2

If I were you, I would feel very hurt. What is an o.k. husband? If you have a responsible job, pay bills, are faithful, and you love your wife, I cannot see anything wrong with you. You did not mention how old you are or how old your wife is, but perhaps she needs to get a job herself and find out that there is something else to do besides have affairs. I would insist she give up church, and obviously, it is not doing her any good. How do you neglect your family? Perhaps you pay too much attention to your parents or siblings, could that be the reason you say that you sometimes neglect your family. I feel very bad for you, but you need to discuss this situation with her, perhaps you need to go to a counselor. Do you think that you could ever really forgive her for this affair? If you feel you have lost all chances of having a normal life with this woman, perhaps you should leave her and you will find that there are many women out there in the world that would really appreciate a man that is responsible, faithful, hard working and all that you are. Do not put yourself down as the one responsible for this situation, she is the one that is cheating on YOU. Good luck, and God Bless.

Answer 3

I'll try to comment on the facts you have presented.

"OK" husbands do not 'neglect" their families. Please tell us what you mean by OK, and what you mean by neglect. Some guys think they are OK if they support their dependents financially, others have higher expectations of themselves.

When you call a 23 yr-old a boy, can I infer that you and your wife are quite a bit older than that? I for one was not a boy when I was 23--I was a university graduate with a full-time job and a familty to look after.

How would I feel? Betrayed. Angry. Sad. Vengeful. Sick. Helpless. Hopeless. All of the above. None of the above. How I, or anyone else WOULD feel does not matter in the slightest. What does matter is what YOU, yes you, ACTUALLY FEEL. Only then can you decide what to do about it.

When you know your feelings, you will know if you can, or even want to, put your marriage back together. You can bet that your wife will choose you over the Bible-puncher toy-boy, but then the question is whether you want to give her that option.

You say your wife goes to church, but you do not say whether you are a Christian also. I am, but I do not think you should necessarily be guided by, or guilted by, what the Bible or your priest or pastor thinks you should do. I know that my former priest (I'm Anglican) was a trained counselor, and he always said that a good foundation question was "WHAT IS THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME OF THESE PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES?' I have never forgotten his wisdom.

We cannot give advice, only you know what to do, but you must get through your feelings before you can make an intelligent decision.

Answer 4

In a happy successful married matrimonial home mutual understanding is the first & foremost important factor. If this factor doesn't exist then this marriage will not continue for long time. You say that during your absence, your wife was having affairs with a 23 years old man from your church. My first question to you is did you see them indulging in any activity (not necessarily sexual activity) that will show & can be said to point towards only one direction i.e. indulging in any intimate and illicit relationship? If they happen to be just good friends as any man & woman can be maybe being member of same church or working in same place or studying in same institution or living in same locality etc then your presumption is most uncalled for in such a case. The fact you saw them enjoying some joke or talking to each other in a public place or even if they visit each others place in presence of other family members cannot be taken as indulging in some illicit relationship. Yes if their activities show something more then what I state here that any reasonable person will feel or say looks like some sort of illicit relationship exist between them, then your presumption can be taken seriously & gives you a valid ground to call off this marriage. What ever I stated here is based on my personal & professional experience only. I have just pointed out a simple way to check the veracity of your presumtion; rest will be your decision how to move further in such case.

Answer 5

Well , only u can say how u feel, some people love their spouses enough to try and work things out, others leave cause its to much to bare, so u have to figure out where u stand.. in your own feelings.. then find out hers, is she willing to work it out, or does she want to be with this kid? Then u realize that although she was "EXTREMELY " wrong to do what she did no matter what u did or didnt do.. the fact does remain that u admitted yourself that u neglected ur family and unfortunately this was the result.. so if ur willing to work things out with her, u need to make a change in who u are, by listening to her and her needs and doing ur best not to neglect her emotions.. and it will be hard, it will take alot of time for u to trust her again, and it will take alot of marriage counseling.. if u want it to work.. if u dont.. then get a good lawyer, and go find happiness with someone that will treat u right and not run out on u ..

Answer 6

My partner works alot, i know how she feels. Does she have a job? I hardly get to see my man now days and it hurts. I fear the worst that he is cheating, working to get away from me etc. I tend to feel so unloved, unappreciated and lonely. I do everything at home, put so much effort into making sure he doesnt have to do anything and making sure that he knows he is loved and adored, because he is constantly working. But i also fear that the fact that i'm unapreciated and lonely that i'd be inclined to find the company and love that i need elsewhere. I don't mean to make you feel bad but do you put in the same amount of effort into your relationship as you do your work? I suggest if you are going to forgive your wife, that you take time everyday to make her feel special, wanted, loved and adored. Even if it is a text message, written note or a kiss. What she has done (cheating) wasn't a wise decision but we all do rash things when we are confused and hurt. Good luck - love makes the world go around :)

Answer 7

There is really no excuse for cheating. If you want someone else, then walk away from the marriage. That being said, it is very easy to think the grass is greener somewhere else. When you talk to someone you don't have to deal with the day to day stresses of life ie bills, schedules, kids, health, etc., and you can just talk about fun stuff and fantasy, it is easy to get sucked into something.

If you want to save your marriage, if she is remorseful, you both need to openly talk to each other and maybe get counseling. There is a very good web site that talks about everything (how an affair gets started) and how to move on. It is marriagebuilders.com.

You have to decide what you want to do. You have every right to leave, but do you want to?

Answer 8

If i am at your position. I wud say this.

1) how important is she in my life, can I do without her?

If i can do without her then its ok. I can get angry on her, talk others about her infidelity, and the feeling will go eventually.

If she is important to you and you love her. Then u can not tell her that she cheated you. I would see this situation as a challenge for myself. How can a 23 old boy can take her away from me?

I know her for this long. I know her fav color, dish, pastime, movie, song, her arousal points in bed. I have been sleeping with her for these many years. how can a fresher take her away from me. I KNOW her. Just she has gone out of sync with her.

I would have resigned frm my job (if my financial was good enough to last for 3 months), take her out, some place far. Let her do what she enjoys she most. Love her, pamper her. Talk to her about her dreams, fantasies but never about her affair. But i would make sure that she knows that i know of her affair.
If she thinks i am in her sync and i am ready to overlook her mistake, she will talk to about it.

Note:- if she does not talks then u might give her some time. But keep your eye or sport a large heart, just in case she can two time.

Answer 9

I would feel betrayed. Vows were taken. Those vows included being faithful, and standing by the husband in both good times and bad. The fact that the affair is with a 23 year old boy, leads me to believe that she is only in lust. That would actually make me even more angry, because she did not do it out of love for another, but for a selfish reason. A parent's obligation is to their children. Her priorities are very strange. She has put a physical need ahead of her family, and her own self respect. I consider that a lack of moral character.

Answer 10

I'm an average husband who lives and works for his family. I take it for granted that my family understands my concern for them. Often I have to undergo long job related tours during which my family has to go it alone (without me, that is). But they not out from the back of my mind for a moment. When I don't show my concern, it doesn't mean that I am neglecting them. Its just that I've taken things for granted. Now if my wife starts an extra-marital affair, it will come as a hammer blow. I will be at a loss to explain to myself as to what was deficient of me that she had to do this. I had always loved her after all.

Answer 11

Why dont you have an affair with a 21 year old girl at your work place ?

If you have the facts and evidence to prove adultery get a divorce. If you feel you can forgive and forget, put the past behind and move on.