Part-time job, wife, mom troubles.?

Question

My husband and I work full-time jobs and have 2 children (2&5). I work between 25-40 hours per week. I cook all the dinners, clean the house daily and the car weekly, pick up the kids from daycare daily and drop them off when my husband cannot (1 hour drive), make and keep the kids appntmnts, take the time off work to take them to their appntmnts or stay home when they are sick, take care of all finances, purchase all supplies and clothes for the kids, purchase all the groceries, plan all the kids parties, etc, etc.. I am currently on Paxil (antideps) for the stress as we cannot afford to be a one income family.My husband works a considerable amount of overtime. He drops off the kids to daycare most of the time, cleans up the dishes nightly when he is home, does a load of laundry about once per week, makes coffee in the morning, and maybe there are a few small things I have missed-but that is "the just" of his current participation. Am I being selfish when I tell him it seems unfair?

Answer 1

wow, i do all that and more, my husband does less than yours. i am not on paxil or anything else. its called life. since i do all that and more, i figured why do i need him. that is why he is my ex husband now. finances kept me with him for way too many years too. i didnt want to end up on paxil. get out while u can! it will all come together!

Answer 2

Every relationship has a division of the work load. Get off the Paxil. I have an hour drive, work 8-10, then drive another hour home. This is 12 - 14 hours a day. I do laundry, and help with the house. But welcome to motherhood. We shop for clothes (seriously) twice a year, Christmas and before school starts. WE take a weekend and go to outlet malls and stay in a motel overnight and make is a weekender. Also, he should be able to help with the groceries but for the most part you don't seem to abnormal. Are you getting enough sex? I am off during the week so I sometimes will take the kids to the doctor if I am off, otherwise she takes them.

Are you selfish, no. You are seeing this through your perspective but what you are failing to realize is that this is really a normal life for most women. Husbands help or don't. You will find most "EX" husbands help less around the house rather than the "keepers". You have to decide what you need from him. Do you need him or just his paycheck? If you only need his paycheck, divorce him and get child support and alimony. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I think you're just burning the candle at both ends.. It seems you are both stressed by work and trying to maintain a household. It's a sorry state of affairs these days, when I wife cannot afford to stay home and raise her children.. I did, and we were on a very tight budget. We just couldn't have all the luxuries when we wanted them.. You're already on an antidepressant, and you're still stressed. Don't know what type of lifestyle you both enjoy, but if it's one with all the bells and whistles, maybe you should cut back, and think about your health and the kids..What good are all the THINGS if you end up burned out and in a
mental hospital? I know things are very expensive today and I'm dealing with it too. 60, not able to work, and he wanted a divorce after 30 yrs of marriage.. I do it all inside and outside.. Mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, taking care of my 14 year old car etc. I have no help and can't afford it.. So, I buy very thrifty, and do without new things if possible..I think your husband might be doing his best, and you feel you do more. I don't think there's ever an even division that either will be completely happy with.. My ex worked, and only took care of outside things. Never did housework. So, I'd say you're lucky yours does any of it. Sit down and make a list for yourself of what you do, he does, and what you feel is realistic for each under the circumstances..I hate daycare, and my 2 grandsons (3 yrs, and 3mos.) are both in it.. It's expensive, and they are always getting sick.. My son says they can't afford the mortgage if my daughter in law doesn't work.. He's a letter carrier. I take my 3 month old grandson 2x a week to help cut down on their daycare costs.. The baby just started last Friday and already just got Roseola which was going around the daycare like crazy.. I had him while he was sick too. It's terrible that a mom can't stay home to raise her own kids. I wish you all the best Good Luck.. Joanie

Answer 4

Actually, you probably will do better if just your husband worked. You won't need to pay for day care, the cost of gas and lunch.. and the cost of the paxil.
Sit down and work out how much money you're actually bringing in by subtracting the amount of the cost of you working minus what you need because you're working.
Figure out what your monthly income is since you tend to take off work for the kids appointments, them being sick, school things.. etc.
When my kids weren't in school, we actually spent more money per month then I was making. The cost of daycare, the gas to get back and forth, the frequency of how often my car needed to repaired because I drove it so much, lunch money, work clothes, etc etc etc.
The only time it would be worth the cost is if you worked a different shift then your husband (say he works days, you work evenings) but then you have to take in the cost to your marriage.
My (ex now) husband hated the idea of someone else raising our kids. The kids were sick of lunchmeat or fast food and it's much cheaper to cook a decent meal at home (plus you get leftovers) then picking up a bag of burgers on your way home because you're too tired to even make a box of hamburger helper.
If you do find that you have some income after you figure out your outgo, average out how much money per hour you're really bringing home. That's what your real hourly wage is.
There are opportunities for making money from home like Avon, Tupperware or even Surprise Parties (for woman 18+) that you could do in your spare time.
Best of luck to you and I hope you get a chance to rest soon.

Answer 5

Oh honey! Welcome to Motherhood! I think he gives quite a bit of help considering most men! He's probably doing the best he can. You are just tired! Can you find a high school student to help around the house for one hr. at night? This burden will ease up a bit when the kids are in school, but for the most part, Moms do it all. Use your weekends as a time to be together to refresh your relationship. Do you have any relatives that could help out at home once a week? It may be unfair, but, usually, that's just the way it is...I am cheering for you, Mom. Try to find a babysitter, even if she comes into the house when you are home, to take care of the kids for you. Can you find another Mom in the neighborhood who you could exchange a few hours with now and then? I hope it works out...I really do understand what you are going through and there aren't any easy answers.

Answer 6

This is called being a Mother and wife. If you don't like it then you should of thought of that before getting married, having sex and producing two children. Most men don't help at all around the house or with the kids. I say you are pretty spoiled to have a husband that will so a llittle laundry, dishes, make coffee. I think you need some counseling and to think about your life.

Answer 7

First, you can't be fired for getting pregnant. If that is the case, it is illegal and she can sue to have her job reinstated and receive compensation. If that's really the reason, and not because of her job performance or missing work, then you should look into it and not treat her like she's irresponsible. Second, you should be working as well, not only to support your child, but to support yourself. You shouldn't be asking who will take care of you, but how you can take care of yourself. And you should be an active participant in your child's life and not looking for someone else to watch your child. If the two of you need to move in with family until you get back on your feet, then you should, but you shouldn't move in there and then think you're inlaws can raise your child and that since you don't have to pay rent that you don't have to work. If you move in with them, it should be so that you can work, save money, and eventually get your own place and start a college fund for your child so that he/she has better opportunities than you have.

Answer 8

well not everthing is fair, if he is working lot whats the problem if he is helping you whern he can.
I work 12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week and on those days I don't really do anything around the house becuase I get up at 6.30 Am and get home around 8.30 PM, on my days off I help with everything I can help my wife with.
I do luandry,dishes, clean house, do repairs, mow lawns, and other stuff but sometimes I also just feel like playing with the kids or something..

Answer 9

It's not unfair at all. I mean you don't work as much hours as he does. That's what us wives do. Be thankful that he even does what he does.

If you think it so unfair then talk to him. You need to learn to communicate with your husband. We can't solve the problem. Only you and your husband can. You don't counseling either. I am sure you can work it out with your husband.

Shoot when I was married, I did everything. He didn't do nothing. Don't be so hard on him. Be a good wife that you are. And I am sure he is a good husband and father too.

Answer 10

I struggled with a similar problem for a long time. I finally just had to accept that my wife's values and priorities were different than mine when it came to the housework. I found that I was happiest when I simply did what needed to be done to make myself comfortable. I asked my wife to do specific tasks occasionally but didn't get grouchy if she chose not to participate. I made some sacrifices but felt she gave a lot in other areas. We eventually divorced and my next wife was much easier to live with and had similar tastes and values. I was much happier the second time around.

Answer 11

Yes and No.

Take into account he works more than you, but again at the same time you do more of the house work, and having kids is equivalant to having another full time job.

I guess it depends on what he does for work, I mean if he's someone who is constantly lifting, or doing hard manuel labor, lay off of him, but if he sits in a cubicle all day listening to three bosses talk about mission statements, then yes talk to him about it.