Anyone up for listening to me and offering some advice or a shoulder to cry on?

Question

I just need a shoulder to cry on...and possibly some great advice. I am feeling so down about my life and my spouse. We have been together for 16 years, married for 12, have 3 kids, a great house that we bought for nothing and refinanced twice with a no interest loan, two expensive vehicles my hubby insisted on, a $5000 tv/surround sound system my hubby insisted on, and a ton a bills that he forgets to pay on time (that's one of his chores). I am at my whits end! I feel consumed with debt and anger over his irresponsible spending and lazy attitude. He works 40-45 hours a week on the swing shift (midnights) and feels he deserves all of this stuff since he works so hard. When I am not home proding him to do something he is either watching TV or surfing the net for Porn. I have tried confronting him, talking to him, giving him more sex, taking the sex away, letting him do what he wants, making him to do the chores, being mean, being nice...and I am feeling helpless.

I have been to counseling alone, with him, alone again, and with him again. I have threatened divorce. Is this just how my life is going to be? I would love any advice from someone that is going through or has gone through a situation like this...or any good web sites with good advice. I have been feeling totally helpless...totally. I feel like I am at a breaking point. I have wished I could just start over...but we don't have that option in this life. Please, someone out there please give me some good advice. I just need something to keep me going for a day or two...I am at a low point and I need a little push to get out of bed tomorrow. Please...

Kitten Hood...thank you so much for your kind words and wonderful insight. It brought tears to my eyes to see that someone put their finger on the problem...thank you...

Wow...thank you so much everyone...I was hoping to get one or two responses...but thank you so much. I feel like people really do care...thank you thank you thank you!

Answer 1

I am so sorry to hear that. Let him live his life and do what he wants to. You tried helping him but he doesn't accept your help. There is nothing else you can do. You can't drag him into counseling if he doesn't want your marriage to work. There are kids involved and if he doesnt want to make it work for them than let him do whatever he wants. If I was you I would leave him and let him see what he has done. Maybe than he will become a better husband/father. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best. Don't stress out over it. Take care of yourself and your children.

Answer 2

Have you tried talking to him, I know that is the "cliche" answer but if you havent it may really help. I know with my husband it doesnt work, haha but maybe yours will listen. Other than that I would take over the finances so at least the bills get paid, maybe even suggesting a budget for you both, like you both have a certain amount of money each week/month to spend on what you want but the bills HAVE TO be paid first. As far as the porn, I caught my husband downloading it once (while I was 7 months pregnant) and I confronted him about it and to my knowledge he has never done it again. They say that men do have the need to masturbate sometimes because they dont feel so pressured to make you happy and stuff, who knows. If he does it all the time then I would say he probably has a problem. Sorry this is so long....Good luck, let me know if you wanna talk

Answer 3

Shut the tv off, and tell him how you're feeling, advise him of how his behavior hurts you, if he doesn't pay the internet bill, no porn, I suggest he wakes up before he doesn't have anything but his television and nice car. It's no fun if you don't have someone to share it with. He needs to know he's crossed the lines so many times and you deserve better and you know better is out there! The children deserve better and he should be a proud dad instead of a couch potato and yes he deserves things for working but will those things take care of you when you can't take care of yourself any more? Nope, get him some help or get yourself some help for dealing with him, start taking the kids places and doing things and leave the couch potato alone, if porn is what he wants then have it but build the relationship with your kids and he'll either come around and go away! Hang in there!

Answer 4

I observe that you simply need to care deeply to your buddy, however it's viable that she is going to in no way conceive, so I could now not hold telling her that it's gonna occur while God feels it's time. All you'll be able to do is simply be there for her and be a shoulder she will be able to cry on. When and if the days comes that she does conceive, God inclined, by way of that woman the most important youngster bathe of all time! I have a buddy that has been married for 19 years, she acquired married at 17, and she or he has now not conceived. Every month you already know that the reply is not any as soon as once more, simply incidentally she acts. You have no idea how mostly I have needed that my tubes weren't tied. I real could be a surrogate for her in view that she wishes a wee one so dangerous. I think so dangerous for her, and all I can do is simply be there for her. It isn't a well feeling; however sadly, it's all any individual can do. You hold being the well buddy that you're. Godspeed.

Answer 5

You are not a wife you are his mother. And to add to your stress you have kids that are seeing this and they think that this is okay. It seems that you have honestly tried to fix this and to fix yourself, and now it is time to move on. If you don't want to move on then it is time to take matters into your own hands. You may have to do the bills, you may have to sell or downgrade things to make YOUR life easier and better. If he doesn't like that then he should agree to get cousleling from someone who's specitaly is money issues. And the next time that he complains about working 40-45 hours aweek, laugh at him. that is called a job. 60-80 hours a week is something to complain about, then add that "ph by the way" why not take on more hours so that we can pay YOUR bills"
I feel for you, but there are options. I guess you should start to decide how much more you are willing to deal with. God bless.

Answer 6

what is a no interest loan? do you mean an interest only loan? are they the kind where the payments go up? if they are, can you refinance into a good fixed rate stable loan? if you dont know the answer, find out!!

i am not up for listening to you but i am up for telling you exactly how to help yourself.

1. you now do the bills.
2. go to the bookstore and buy all the suzie orman books. read every word. they are written for women like you who are frightened and feel out of control about money and other issues. they are empowering books that will help you feel less helpless. no woman needs to sit in her own home and be scared of her own finances.
3. read the dr laura 'care and feeding of husbands'
4. you are not consumed with debt if he has an income. you merely have to MANAGE the income
4a. deal only with reputable financial people and banks. never ever with credit fixers or mortgage rescue places, they are filled with scammers.
5. ALL guys try to get away with buying toys, if you knew where my husband was right now and what he wants to buy, you would freak. he can only buy it tho if it fits into our life budget. not yearly budget, we have a 5, 10 year and lifetime plan. do you?
6.most guys try to get away with being lazy. is he eating right, does he take a bunch of medicine, is there a reason he lays around that has to do with his health? does he eat protein? does he drink a lot? that makes men lazy.
7; you are going to have to face facts, that there is a myriad of things you can do to get and stay in control. are you eating right? are you tired?
8. once you have control of the money and the bills i promise you that you will feel very good. and it will get better from there.
take action and be firm but reasonable, you can do this. you will be shocked at how quickly you can turn this around. your entire world will change for the better.

Answer 7

Then the time has come for some real tough love here. You need to give him the ultimate choice here;either straighten up and do whats expected of him or youve had enough and youre out the door with the kids and will file for divorce and will sue him for everything legally youre entitled to. The only problem would be you may have to carry out your threat if he elects to call your bluff, but once he finds out youre serious then things should change dramatically. Good luck

Answer 8

your married to thi Man for 16 years he goes around making debts that he forgets to pay and your tired of this . he works 40 to 45 hours a week so why isn't the bills paid on time. your looking for something for him to do at home because he is busy watching television and looking for porn on the net, you have tried giving him more sex talking to him and its not working. your not being mean to have him help around the house maybe this way he wont have to surf the next for porn.
You have allowed this man to do what ever he wanted to do you cant teach and old dog new trick.
best of luck

Answer 9

pray everyday! love who you are, be blessed you have wonderful kids to look forward to, be happy for your health and life itself. Sweety you are the brains of this operation its so clear......so you need to make a plan and STICK to it. this can either make you or break you. at this point u have to decide wha you a\want to do. if you cant see urself living like this then don't! start making changes today. don't reward or punish, its called discipline! if you cant afford something then don't buy it, let him use his money! jus make sure you take care of the important bills like the house tha cars etc., but as for the sound system that he insisted on you buying, if you really didn't see a need for it then your answer should be if you want it then hun you buy it, but i don't see the need of wastin money on something like that. if you have been letting him get away with stuff like this in the past he is only doin it out of habit, and its only going to hard for you to tame it, but it must be dun! remember less sex more sex, yelling, fighting is not the answer, a simple NO and putting your foot down, sticking with wha you know is right is only going to make him realize that he can no longer con you in2 supporting his splurging, n he will soon realize that he has bitten off more then he can chew!

Answer 10

You need a holiday, come visit me, I can offer you 3 things:

1. Friendship with a twisted sense of humour.
2. A different view on how the other side of the world live.
3. How to slap him upside the head in a proactive way lol.