Need advice on how to move on without closure.?

Question

I'm having trouble accepting that I may never be able to say the few things I have left to say to someone who has hurt me very deeply. Even if I do get the chance to say these words directly I know I may not get the response I'm hoping for, which is just a sincere "I'm sorry". I wrote a letter hoping that just getting it out of myself would help, even if the letter never gets read. And it did, but not by much. Part of me still thinks I would feel better if it was read. But, I don't have an address to send it to so unless I purposely go to where I can find him that's not going to happen. He has my things and makes plans to return them, but cancels & will most likely bring by when I'm not home if at all. And I think that running around looking for someone and calling them sort of defeats your intentions of trying to let go. Will I really have to just sit and wait for time to heal this? Any advice from people who have been able to do this successfully?

Answer 1

If "He's" moved on I would not waste my time with trying to get closure. He obviously does not care to even hear it. Now you need to Move on and not dwell on the past. Stay Buzy should be your main Focus. It gives you less time to think on what was or could have been. Go out with friends and meet new people. Keep your head up and you'd be surprised when you realize theres another in this World that can rock your world and treat you like you deserve.

Answer 2

Would it make you feel any better if you just kept the letter you wrote and told yourself that you will mail it to him in a year or two? After some time passes, you will be able to calmly mail the letter and know that you expressed yourself completely about this hurt. The other person will also have some distance, possibly feel less defensive, and maybe find it easier to just say, 'I'm sorry I hurt you.'
You are having trouble because you want to unload all those feelings right now. It is awkward. So wait. Time helps a lot. And the option is still there. The things written in the letter will still be read.

Answer 3

I am really sorry you have to go through this. It might help to remember that every day thousands of people go through the same thing, but it won't take away your personal pain. Closure is really important to women and less important for men usually. Don't you have his e-mail address? Could you send the letter via e-mail in hopes that he reads it? If you think he'll bring your things by when you aren't home, leave your "letter" in an envelope on your door. Put his name on the envelope and hope that he takes it. Judging by the fact that he still has some of your things, this relationship break-up has been recent. Your pain is very great right now, but you will feel better gradually. Each week that goes by hurts a little less, just like a death in the family. You can put closure to this yourself, though. You can tell yourself that no matter what, this man was not the "one" for you. There is someone out there waiting for you, though, so you need to concentrate on finding HIM. And, if nothing else, this experience has given you more insight into yourself and your desires for your future. You can thank this guy for that, at least. Everything that happens to us is a learning experience. We can turn the negatives into positives if we learn something from each experience and grow because of it. God Bless you.

Answer 4

It can take more than a year. You can't really "make" it go faster. You can only heal up a little at a time. Think of this like an emotional scab. It heals a little on it own each day. If you take care of it then it will heal faster and be less likely to leave scars.
I recommend a book called "Rebuilding, When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. It explains the steps you go through and helps you see how to work past it. I also wrote a letter that never got read. Actually, it was more like 10 of them. ;-) Working with a personal counselor can help a lot. They understand the grief process and can help you work out the hard and hurt feelings.

Answer 5

Oh my dear, it does take time, it does heal. and if you ever run into him, just say these little words and you will feel even better than before. "I Forgive You" Some will never apologize. Then you be happy for them and then learn to heal yourself. Start with long hot bubble baths. Oh, I even went on a one week road trip with a good friend of mine. We mapped out where we wanted to go and then through the map in the back seat and took off. Not looking at a map until it was time to come home. That was very healing. It takes time, it really does. I started working out and stop drinking sodas. I dropped almost 50 lbs from the time he messed around on me to the time I saw him again. I felt wonderful. Pretty, and very confident. I got a tatoo, my nose pierced and my tongue. By the way I was 32 and am now 35. After that he tried calling, dropping in. He didn't faze me anymore. Now I know that he was just a chapter in my life that I needed to learn to make me the strong woman I am today. Plus, now I have a man who adores me, loves me and spoils me. Things I didn't think that I deserved back when and now see that I do deserve this. P.S. We are getting married in March. Good luck to ya. I know you can do it. If you want, add me to your contacts list. Take Care. Don't worry about getting back in the game or on the horse. Start doing things that make you yourself feel better. When I lost the weight, got a tatoo, a nose piercing, my confidence started to fly a little higher. I was in the process of finding myself. People think of tatoos and other piercings some think that I could be wicked and unruling. I'm a good mother of 2 wonderful teens, I am a Certified Nursing Assistant. One of a few that really cares about taking care of our elders. I love to sing country. By the way, get out there and karoake. That should loosen ya up a little. Get some girls together and just go drink some margarita's or mai tai's or Yager Bombs, whatever floats your boat. I'm a coffee drinker myself. So maybe just a little irish cream. Anyway, I hope this helps.

Answer 6

I have gone thru not one but TWO such occasions where the wrong-doing came from the other person, and in neither case did I get an apology or admission of any guilt whatsoever.

Unfairly treated; cheated on or fvcked over in some shady, underhanded way.

In both cases I, pretty much, had no choice but to suck it up and move on and deal with it. I had no compassion, no kindness, nothing. Just a sea of sh!t the other person left me and that was that.

After a while you learn to just accept that which has been given. It takes longer to make peace with it and it's runs the risk of doing further damage.......if you let it.

People are selfish anymore. They only care about themselves, their wants, their needs and to he|| with anyone else's feelings. You cannot control, or even predict another person's reactions or behavior. No matter how well you know that person.........there will be that one person that raises the bar of being an assh0le.

You may never know what all the 'reasons' are/were, but after a while you won't care and you will move on. I'm sorry if you were put into this kind of position, but unfortunately it does happen.

I wrote a LOT of unsent emails...a LOT. It helped...it's all I had. I did not want to overburden friends with that person's garbage.

I hope you mend from things and can recover and find your greatest love and friend in life.

Answer 7

I am going through this exact same thing right now. I posted a few questions on this myself. Its been almost a month now since we've spoken and he did not return and calls, emails or anything. My last resort was stopping by his apt one last time and still got no response. It still hurts me very much that after a year he is putting me through this b.s. All I can say is try to do your best not to contact him. Its only going to push him further away. Let him come to you if he wants to talk, make him think you moved on. Its no doubt a messed up situation and I would never do it to anyone but his choices are out of your hands. Just try to take it one day at a time do not contact him!! Stay strong : )

Answer 8

Missy, I'm not sure what it is that you want. If this guy hurt you what makes you think he will not continue to hurt you? It seems that you want him to give you answers or comments or apologies, but are they answers that you really want to hear? What makes you think that anything he has to say will make this better?

Closure is not something you should depend on someone else giving you anymore than you should depend on someone else for your happiness. He obviously doesnt care enough about you to give you what you want in either happiness or sadness, so the only thing you can do is let it go yourself. Don't call and don't persue. Unless the stuff of yours he has is valuable beyond money, let that stuff go too because all it will bring you is the memories you're trying to get away from.

There's one thing that worked for me a long time ago. I took everything that the chick had ever given me and put it in a bag. I went to the beach and tossed it into the ocean and told myself that all of my sadness was in the bag with all that stuff. It worked and I was right as rain very soon after. I let it go. I let her go. I let my sadness go.

Let it go Missy. The only way to let go is to relax your grip. The only way to move on is to put the car in drive and step on the gas.

Trust me when I say that you have better places to be and happier times ahead.

Take care

Answer 9

Letting go is never easy and it is something that you have to make a conscious effort to do. You have poured your feelings out on paper and wanting him to read them will really serve no purpose. Keep the letter and refer to it whenever you are feeling like you need a little help in moving on. It will remind you why you are lucky to be rid of someone that broke your heart.

In the meantime, you don't have to sit around and wait on anything. Get back into life and move forward.

Answer 10

hello missy,you sound sad because of this,and ,I'm afraid to say your letting it cloud your judgment slightly,think of it like this instead,whats done is done and cannot change,time now to think of you and put yourself first,you decided to end the relationship on what appears to be very good grounds ,this in turn puts you in control of the next move which would seem to be regaining your possessions,i would advise using a 3rd party known to you both to do this,make a list,make a time and date and do it,having done this youve done the hard part and can begin reinventing yourself.by writing letters to him will indicate a willingness to talk and will boost his ego,do you want this,by all means write your feelings down and put the things you would have said and then put it away,this is a distraction method that allows you to vent your feelings without losing any dignity and will let you see it all in a clearer light,sitting and waiting for time to heal this is time wasted on him,whats called for is a clean break and a fresh look at the options before you and ask yourself this,if he had said sorry would it have changed the outcome,i think not,put it all away in a box inside your head and leave it there,life is to short and you need to live it and not regret it,i know its hard to walk away and start again but it can be done missy,it really can good luck to you....