Should I end my marriage?

Question

I have been with my husband for 8 years. We have 2 children 4 and 7. I work and do most of the childcare and feel quite resentful as feel taken for granted. I try to speak to my husband about this but he does not talk, he either walks out of the door and goes to the pub or tells me to move on and be more understanding. A yr ago I found out he had spent around £15,000 over a period of 2 yrs without telling me, this included money that I was saving into a joint account. I am deeply hurt and have lst respect and trust for him. When I try to talk about this he either shouts or tells me to get over it or leave. I am so, so fed up and unhappy. I am not sure what to do! He refuses to go for counselling and tells me that the problem is my behaviour. It feels as if he is always turning the blame on me and I am at a loss as to what to do. How can I save this?! Is it best to leave now and move on with my life? I feel alone in the relationship.....

Answer 1

You feel alone in this relationship because you ARE alone quite honestly. He has already emotionally separated from you, and also has stepped all over you trust. That is not love, nor does it sound like he has any interest in making this work. I'm not trying to be hurtful, or sound mean, but it is what it is. And I think that it's better to receive some honest advice from an outside party. He's already damaged your finances, so go while you still can. At this rate, you may not have the means to later, not to mention you will only be subjecting yourself and your children to more unhappiness. Normally, I would say to give counseling a try, but he's made it clear that he isn't willing. You can't make a person be interested and put in the effort. So, in answer to your question "Yes! It is time to move on." I wish you all the best in this transition.

Answer 2

Divorce sounds like the only way to get through to him. If it doesn't then it might re-awaken your inner self. It sounds like he is just pulling you down. He doesn't care how that makes you feel. It might sound hard to leave for many reasons, but once you do you will probably wonder why you never did it before. If you are unhappy, then the whole family will be bought down with you. It will also be best for the kids. Your kids are at an age where they can totally see what is going on with their parents and I am sure that they are sick of it too. If you don't want to go all the way with a divorce, at least try a trial separation. It may make some thing click with the both of you. Don't wait around until the kids get older, then it will be harder. Save them the pain and do something about wile they are young. My parents fought all of the time and finally got a divorce. Me and my sister both agree that it was best. I was about seven when my parents got divorced. You shouldn't feel alone in a relationship. Obviously he doesn't want to change if he wont even take counseling. Let him be ignorant by himself and you can be the better person and move on.

Answer 3

Yes, from reading your side of the story, it's definitely understandable.
But instead of rushing and making the wrong decision, why not take a break from each other to sort your thoughts and see if it makes any difference.
Since your husband has not been supportive but rather bullying and also trying to shut you up instead of trying to sort the problem and even pushing you out of the door, it might be the right thing to do just at this moment.
That'd give you both some peace for a start, then that would let him see for himself if, having you out of his life what he really wants or if instead he's just stressed out, has made a few bad decisions and is just plain scared of coming up clean for you to despise him and hate him, in which case you'd leave obviously but seeing him on a different angle as well.
So, maybe he'd rather you leave just hating him for a lesser reason!
Do tell him that the separation would only be temporary, just to give you both time to decide which way you want to go and whether it's best to keep fighting and save your marriage.
By doing so, you do make him face his responsibility and oblige him to make a decision.
If obviously he wants you to stay, and does love you, he will not despite his fears let you go without a fight.
However hard he might be for him, he'll have to do some explaining and do some effort as well.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Only you know if your marriage should end, but before you do read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I went through the same thing I've worked full time and been a stay at home wife and I do all the cooking and the cleaning and take care of our daughter no matter what.. we couldn't talk without having huge fights..etc. He thought the world revolved around him, although I would leave when he would tell me to and he would follow within a couple hours or minutes to win me back. He doesn't tell me to leave anymore I guarantee ya, and now he brags about me. The thing that worked for me was simply changing my attitude once I quit feeling resentful and just was happy when he came home, he changed and started helping more and appreciating me more because he could do it without worrying about me turning it around into an argument. We have full fights without raising our voices or slamming doors or anyone leaving. I'm not saying it is your behavior or that his should be excused but sometimes just taking a step back helps, take a girl's night out. I can go out with the girls whenever I want and it doesn't bug him because I need time to just be me and laugh and dance and have fun and he gets his time to. The book also helps show how to communicate with men better and every approach I've tried has worked. So Good Luck.

Answer 5

Hi,
I too have 2 small children. At present they are 3 and 15 months so I imagine when your children were younger it was even more difficult as having two young children is extremely hard work.
I guess your husband is probably burying his head in the sand. By having this off hand attitude to you it saves him from having to answer your questions or be accountable for his actions, especially concerning what happened to the money. Are you not able to check bank statements etc/cheque stubs/old receipts etc to see if you can work out where some of the money went?
You can go to counselling by yourself i.e., Relate. They have a website.
I imagine you feel like your losing your mind as he is making you feel paranoid, helpless, making unnecessary fuss etc.
He knows what he is doing, he just doesn't want to face up to the issues.
He may genuinely not realise how much effort is needed in bringing up the kids, helping with their daily care, helping round the house etc. A lot of men don't realise what is involved, especially if they had a mother that did everything for them. Is he old fashioned where he thinks it is a woman's job!!!!!!!!! If that is his attitude then perhaps needs reminding that you also work, and when you come home from work perhaps you'd spend the evening relaxing, going to the pub etc., if you could.
Even stay at home Mums need help because the shift doesn't end at a given time, it a 24/7 job.
I imagine you feel extremely helpless. It is easy to say leave him, but hopefully he has got some good qualities too. Leaving somebody is not easy. It may not be great being with him at times, but it can be a lonely road on your own, and if you met somebody new at a later date, invariably long term you'd have a different set of problems. Sorry for being so negative! Just that relationships 9 times out of 10 are hard work and lots of compromise.
Unfortunately it is easy to lose respect for each other when you are tired, worn out and no time for each other.
Perhaps you could double bluff him and say you agree with him and that it is your behaviour and you have decided to do something about it and say you are going to counselling and how you are planning to separate from him because you feel it unfair to put him through all the grief and then leave it at that, don't elaborate on your answers. If he asks what you mean, just say your looking into possibilities as you can't continue the way you are. Life is too short tell him. When he says it is your behaviour, has he mentioned specifics???
I won't write anymore as I am surely repeating myself. Sorry.
Take care.

Answer 6

As I read your question I thought to write that the two of you need to sit down and communicate, try talking to him. But as I read on I realised that you have tried on numerous occasions and his response is that you need to be more understanding or even you could leave if you don't like it, or he walks out and goes to the pub.. It sounds like your husband IS taking you for granted, in fact his cavalier attitude to you and your marriage is more than just thoughtless. How dare he spend £15,000 of both your money without asking first? Do you know what he spent it on? Over a period of two years makes it sound like it was frivilously frittered away. I hope you don't put your money together with his anymore? He sounds like he is very good at arguing and making you feel you are in the wrong instead of really trying to understand what you are trying to say to him. Get over it is not a helpful response. Things are always so complicated. You have two children with him which is what makes this difficult as any decision you make will include them. IS there anyway that you can make him see how serious this is? You really do need to go to a marriage counsellor together but only you know if he will go with you. Failing that you would want the best for your children but at the same time you need to think of yourself too.

Answer 7

first of all change account without telling him and don't put your money in the joint account. go to a lawyer to get some advice on what to do financially....to separate the goods and the debts...
then if he still does not want to go to a counselor , just tell him that if he does not try to be a better person divorce might follow but seem serious about it.. then maybe he will change.. and if not then try to make a life with Your kids and him but a invisible him; then if you cant handle that maybe you should really divorce but at least you have a bank account of your own that he can't touch... do the some for the kids.
I hope I helped and if you feel like talking more just email me...
good luck and be courageous///
but of course you are the only one who really knows what to do....
do you still really love him?
I would go away if I could not bear it any longer but after trying to keep it up..

Answer 8

well firstly its such a shame he wont go for counselling as thats what an opposing partner needs is a talk with an outsider so he doesnt feel like hes the bullying person in all this which he obviously is..is there anyway someone connected to you could come round for a meal or such to get the 'vibe' and get a 'reading' from this relationship as to whats going on and then somehow feed it back to ur hub in where hes going wrong-do u read me? hope so as its difficult putting this down in b/w,my mum/dad had this and it seemed to have done the trick for him as he was an absolute xxxx with my mum. Personally if this has been going on for sometime and u dont see a light thru then id walk but y shud u b the one ??? By no means take anyones views as an answer pls get the expert help way-hope something good comes of it and dont suffer in silence!!!

Answer 9

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Answer 10

No, you should not end your marriage - because both of you are clearly not working hard enough. If your marriage was a car, it would be long overdue for a 800000000km service - 8 years and two children does that! You're obviously out of fuel at the moment too. Time for a complete detailing job for your chassis, change the oil, and get your pistons and carburettor going again.

Park your children at a babysitters' or relatives and then go on to a lovely hotel or restaurant and talk to each other. Due to the shabby condition of your marriage, you two will need to make visits, to these places, a weekly habit. It's called "dating".