How to you stop making the same mistakes over and over again?

Question

My father was always in and out of my life (mostly out). He only visited when it suited him and then would disappear for years at a time. At age 18, I got involved with a man with whom I had a child, who turned out to be just like him. I went downhill and began to lead an irresponsible life whereby I didnt take care of myself emotionally or physically. I let men take advantage of me. Then,12 years after having my first child, I changed. I grew up. I started to love myself a little. I stopped living the kind of life I had been. Then I met a man who I thought was different. He had all the qualities that I had dreamed of (or so I thought). By now I was 32 and really wanted another baby. We were both happy when I became pregnant. To cut a long story short, he has turned out just like the other 2 major men in my life. He is irresponsible and unpredictable. He has never spent time with us as a family and he is in total denial. I realise what I have done: picked a man like my father... again.

My question is, how do I stop this happening again? Not that I'm looking for a relationship, but how do you stop these unconscious processes from happening?

Answer 1

There are a lot of people who use self-talk to handle what is going on inside their minds. When self-talk is not monitored cautiously it can lead to drastic effects not only on one’s personality but also affects its mentality and psychology. Self-talk is a type of conversation which we conduct with ourselves. In literature we call it soliloquy. Brain’s reticular activating system never forgets what we repeat again and again. Ironically this system can not recognize what is beneficial to the individual and what is not. Think you can, think you can't; either way, you'll be right- a saying goes like this. Therefore when ever we ‘talk’ with ourselves, we should be cautious, very cautious in fact. There are a lot of audio programs which can help and there are a lot of online books. If I recall there is a book ‘self-talk solutions’ which is every effective in this scenario.

Answer 2

You might start doing other mistakes, of another type, of the type that you never did, even now and then silly and innocent mistakes that do not jeopardize your health and your freedom.

And you might try to find some toys for you to freely play with, alone or together with your children. I think that even a grown up person must have a toy or some toys, otherwise she risks to become crazy.

Your own father was unique in his own way, and you should definitely avoid ending up in the arms of someone that in some way might remind you of the personality of your own father. You may enjoy the company of a new man who may want to stay together with you, but the rules should be decided by you, without any illusion, and you should never wish to become subservient to him, and never be too sorry if he goes and never appears again.

You may just think that you might even get a richer life, more health and better dreams, without involving yourself in a partner of the type that shows up being irresponsible and unpredictable.

Good luck!

Answer 3

This is going to be harsh!

Therapy is about your only shot. People who've had rotten childhood often try to correct the mistake in their adult life. Which only leads to do exactly the wrong thing! Its like having goggles on that skew your view of the world. Anyone who is out "looking" for this that or the other thing (especially love) will settle for something they believe is good.

Just look at the number of divorced people who jump into a new relationship, only to learn they have brought a wolf into the hen house so to speak! In therapy you could learn to live stable by yourself! Once your in a stable position you won't be so quick to fix the wrongs of your childhood because you know what you have is pretty good already. This will allow you to truly find something of value!

What is up with "I was 32 and really wanted another baby." How incredibly selfish! I want... you sound like a 5 year old child! How about you and your Husband or whatever have decided we would like to be parents!? Being a parent with all of your issues it will be a miracle if your child doesn't repeat the same mistakes you've been making for years!

Answer 4

I have a similar pattern and am in therapy to try to overcome this blueprint. I would also suggest really getting to know someone before getting involved and having a baby. Also write down all the things you are looking for in a partner and the things you don't want the next time you start dating refer back to this list and as soon as you see one of the things you don't want walk away otherwise the same thing could happen again. xx

Answer 5

What a freaking mess this kind of situation is. I've tried to deal with it from the other side, and there seem to be no easy answers.
___There's a paradox here. On one hand, it's good to recognize that you ought to be getting more out of your relationships ("I shouldn't be hanging out with losers like these guys."). But on the other hand, there's something to be gained from taking responsibility for your choices ("I've got no one to blame but myself--I chose them.") It's a bit of a juggling act to get the balance right. Most likely, some of the problem is with the guys, and some of it is with you. Your behavior and choises are all that you have power over. (Though sometimes the strongest influence we exert over others is the influence we aren't aware of, and we all elicit certain tendencies in others.)
___See how far you can get out of your comfort zone as regards the intuitive attractions you feel toward some men over others. (But, of course, don't ignore any personal-safety warning signs). Check out some guys whom you might have previously passed over as not your type. With each new unfamiliar direction, it may take some time to see what degrees of unfamiliarity you can still find attraction for, and what's might be too much. If you get involved with some guy who's a bit too far out in the brooding intellectual direction, or in the nose-to-the-grindstone direction or the Mr. Sensitive direction, it doesn't mean that all men who are a little moody, ambitious, or sensitive are going to be disasters. It's hard to find moderation in a field of unfamiliarity.
___This seems to me to be the first approach to try. And take your time. Don't rush anything.

Answer 6

Make sure that the mistakes you are making are all that bad in the first place. It might be that you just think poorly of yourself.
Write it down. Physically making a note of things and leaving it where you can see it will make a difference. It is like making a contract with yourself.
Find a replacement. When you feel like you are about to do something stupid find something else to do instead.
Think things out. Always think why am I doing this, or what is my purpose.
Acceptance. Some people will just never change and you might be one of them. Sorry about your luck.

Answer 7

Find any material by Esther and Jerry Hicks, book, cd, dvd, whatever. They describe how it is that we attract things into our lives and give tools to show us how to change that pattern.
If you happen to live near a city where they have workshops, the up in your face experience could speed up the change. I stand behind every word. I know that some people bad-mouth them, but imo they have never given their advice a try.

Answer 8

Breaking the cycle, that is: Learning to recognise the first steps of the process, by which you end in such situation, and trying to change it.

I'm very sympathetic, but it is well known that women tend to be attracted to men similar to their fathers, strangely enough, even if they were crap husbands and fathers.

Answer 9

I know the feeling - your a loser magnet right? Yeah, me too. Best advise I can offer is to talk to a professional - they might be able to advise you what to look out for in future, and how to address these problems. Or you could try my method - if I see a guy is interested I run like hell. don't go near em with a barge pole.

Answer 10

What exactly happened to get rid of the men?
Remember what you do and try and avoid it ...
Dont look in same qualities as you try and look for people who have different qualities ., seriously it works

Good Luck