I have been married for 5 years now we have 2 kids. We married young b/c no one wanted us to be together. We loved each other more than anything. After a year of marriage we had our first child. then a year later our 2nd. I feel we married to early. He doesnt treat me the same anymore almost like we just live together. I dont feel we "love each other" that way anymore. I dont feel I can divorce him b/c Divorce is not an option in our families. I dont know what to do. I try telling him how I feel and he puts it back on me. Were not the happy family everyone thinks we are. Its a pretend Fake smile I have had to give the last few years now. I dont want to hurt him by leaving him but I feel I'm hurting myself by staying. I dont know what to do. I'm young still.
2007-09-16 07:35:15 · 14 answers · asked by iRock 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
jezyka we had been together for years we were highschool sweethearts. and my parents decided "they" thought I could do better...they wanted to pick who I should be with.
2007-09-16 07:48:32 · update #1
Dear iRock, well, you've made it farther than a lot of couples. That's good.
You say he doesn't treat you the same anymore. Part of that equation is the simple fact that you guys got married and had kids. So the relationship Evolves.
Your kids are 3 and 4, he's lost a lot of your time and attention to babies, and the man still comes home. He provides for you and the babies...
He's putting how you feel on you because he has no idea how to make it better for you. He feels like he's doing his share.
I highly advise Against splitting up for the simple reason that you are not generating an income for yourself. In addition to the fact that divorce seriously strains finances.
Ok, so what do you do? You feel isolated, he's not responding, you deal with the house and the kids all day, and all the romance is Gone....
When you dated he pursued you. He gave all his thoughts and attention to getting your attention. He doesn't have to do that anymore.
Maybe this time, you make the effort and pursue him. This is not done by listing all of his shortcomings.
It's done because you value the family your children were born into, your home, and the contribution this man makes to his family.
Establish a routine of dinner, bath and bed for your children. Make sure the house is settled by,say, 8:00. The kids should sleep a good 11 or 12 hours. This should allow for some down time for adults.
Soooo, dear.....Get those babies in bed at a regular hour.....something he can count on. Take a nice, hot shower, put on some makeup and lose the frumpy mommie outfit. Put on something "appealing", chill a bottle of wine and light some candles. Then just let him figure it out. If you go to bed, and end up asleep, fine, he knows you made an effort in your day to please him. Otherwise, most men, once they get the hint, will enthusiastically join you.
Long term relationships are built on friendship, trust and respect. Quit listing negatives and start saying positives. Something honest. "Hon, you really looked hot in that maroon shirt yesterday." "Hon, I know you had the oil in the car changed yesterday, thank you." Positives.
Ask him every day if there is anything you can do for him. Follow through. Just indicate that you do have a thought for him in your day.
I really don't think staying is hurting you. I think you need to get a little pro-active, learn a bit about the psychology of your man, and (please don't take this wrong....) subtly manipulate the situation to where you are getting what you need.
The "In Love" feeling ebbs and flows throughout the years....sometimes the relationship is comfortable and secure, sometimes it's just Hot....you have to ride out the highs and the lows.
He sounds like a decent person. He's made the effort and been true to you. Appreciate that.
Give him some opportunities to see that you can still make him your focus. Then see how he responds. He misses that girl he dated as much as you miss the guy. It was fun. Make some fun.
I wish you luck, dear....
And God bless you and yours.
2007-09-16 08:19:27 · answer #1 · answered by Puresnow 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A situation like this is always difficult to navigate through. You don't want to just throw in the towel and give in, but you don't wanna keep having to fake your happiness to yourself or to others.
Maybe the two of you could try couples counseling so there is a third person to help referee so there is no finger pointing and the counselor can shed some light on where things are going wrong, and what the two of you need so you can get back to that loving feeling that you had when you two first got together.
Marriage is never easy, it's something that requires a lot of love and work put in on both sides. I hope the two of you are able to get back to where you used to be, and that you no longer have to fake happiness, but actually have it.
2007-09-16 07:48:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can't begin to imagine the root of your problems, but assuming there is no abuse or drug abuse, I would advise you to work on your marriage as hard as you can.
Do anything you can think of. Ask him what would make him happier. Figure out what would make you happier...as a person....not relationship stuff. You guys may have been young, but you love each other. All marriages go through rough patches. My husband and I had a few years that were hard and we both though about throwing in the towel. I find now, looking back, that even though those times were kind of crappy, we both grew, we did get closer, and I am thankful we stuck it out. You, him, and your kids deserve all the efforts of a healthy marriage. It's never going to be easy, but even if he doesn't think "it needs work", you can make positive changes yourself. Try Dr. Phil's relationship rescue. Lot's of great tips. Good luck.
2007-09-16 08:15:36 · answer #3 · answered by Wendy B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try re-igniting the romance and making time for eachother. Make a date night at least once a month with no kids. Use it to catch up. Find things you both like to do. Compliment HIM more and tell HIM that you love him, and try to show it, and he will want to do the same for you - when you give someone warm fuzzy feelings, they tend to give them back.
You should see a counselor if you can't work it out on your own.
If nothing works, reevaluate the marriage. People grow apart sometimes, and no one should live in misery. You shouldn't stay married becuase of your families anymore than you should have gotten married becuase of them.
Just make sure you both REALLY try before considering divorce.
2007-09-16 07:53:41 · answer #4 · answered by lisa w 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the new york yankees have won more championships than any other team. but they sometimes go into a long slump.
no relationship can't can sustain at the same level of intensity level of a new relationship forever. at some point things begin to simmer at a lower temperature, instead of at a constant roaring boiling level.
don't expect to have an intense passionate relationship every day.
like the yankees you will win many times but sometimes slump. you may even get a charlie horse (ask your husband what is a charlie horse). but hang in there love grows stronger over time.
a part of the problem may be taking care of two kids everyday. this is where your parents and friends come in. you need a support system. talk to the girlfriends who have kids.
good luck.
2007-09-16 07:55:35 · answer #5 · answered by ramni222 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to put a little spice in the marriage if you can. You both are in a rut. Pray for God to help keep things together. You fall out of love because you sometimes get too lazy to do something to help the marriage. If you still love each other you can make it work. Just pray and talk to your husband about how maybe you can make things good again. You guys allowed yourselves to become selfish and to angry and not consider the other. Remember it is OK to be angry sometimes but not to stay angry.
2007-09-16 07:54:07 · answer #6 · answered by moonchild 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweet Pea I got married when I was 18 and I have been married for 9 years now. For the first 2 years it was great and when we had children it stared getting rough. I had to learn that no matter what, I needed to fight for my marriage because when you take your wedding vows it clearly stated for better or worse. I think alot of people miss that part. Are you giving it 100%? What are you investing in your marraige? See, what you invest in it is what you will get out of it. You have to find that common thing that makes the marraige work. Good luck!
2007-09-16 07:43:03 · answer #7 · answered by b n real 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hi, i been married for five yrs. now too and our marriage came to a great struggle too and it's still goes on, i am certain that there is no such thing as perfect relationship, but i think in order for you to be happy as in really happy,you have to put that as a priority bcoz a relationship that you have now is not healthy for you all specially for your children, Start by asking if you still LOVE your husband as strongly as before, see him the way u see him before, sometimes when we are too comfortable of things that we have, we start taking it for granted,and thats how i see thats happening to ur husband now, probably you feel unappreciated, unlove, if he dont listen to you when you talk to him,then do something that will let him stop and think if you still matters to him, divorce maybe is the last option and if its a big No-no to your family why not talk to them and tell them of how unhapppy you are now, I BELEIVE that if your family really loves you they dont want to see u unhappy...When were young we commit a lot of wrong decesion but its not an excuse bcoz we still made that decision, we know what we want then..and we still know what we want now...lastly dont forget to ask God for guidance...Goodluck!!
2007-09-16 08:25:30 · answer #8 · answered by jingjing d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
get councling, if that doesnt work a divorce is the only option to sit in an unhappy marriage will eat at you and will eventually effect your children. In your families or not theres a first time for eveything and if your family really loves you they will get over it
2007-09-16 07:50:50 · answer #9 · answered by sarah W 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You still have love, but you lost the romance. Happens to most married couples. It has to be put back in deliberately. Have a date night at least twice a month. Do little things to spark it. Things like flowers and small gifts. A leaf can be romatic. Schedule a night at a hotel. A picnic for two... wine, cheese and a blanket. Little things will work. Luck.
2007-09-16 07:38:56 · answer #10 · answered by ? 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋