How true is this statement? Once a cheater always a cheater?

Question

I just found out that my husband to 7 years has been emailing, then meeting up with his old girl friend in the past. I found this out about the emails then latter that they met. It's all unreal to me. This is his first time, I am very sure of that. Asked him what was going on and he said they were catching up. Dont understand it, I asked him to cut off all contact with her. Now I want to know is the statement is true once a cheater always a cheater. Ok he did tell me that he did not mean to hurt me. What a tv line right. He also told me that he will never cause me to hurt like that again. I really need some good advice.

Yes, this really hurts. You all must know how I found out. He left the emails on the computer one day. I asked him about it and he told me what I wanted to hear. No, they never met up and bla bla bla. Then I did some more investigation found out his code to his myspace account and then it said I want to meet you again I miss you. I miss you too. Not one not two but 20 emails. They met like 4 times, not including the times that are not noted. I asked him he said it was true. He said he knew he told me when I first found the first set of emails then I would have left him. He said he will cut off all contact with her. I asked him if he really missed her, he said she was my best friend some time ago, I did say I missed her. I have no a romantic feeling toward her. But check this out you all. He told her to make up her mind in the emails and asked her was she ready for my two kids.

he said that the thought about it before I found out and cut meeting her. They continued to email each other until I found out. He said she kept asking why did you pick her over me. Our life would have been different

Answer 1

ouch! & I'm sorry :( If this is the only time he has cheated then if he is willing to work things out with you, I would advice you to give him a 2nd chance. But if this is not the 1st time then he will do it again. Some people believe & hope that their man will change one day....but that one day might be when his 'buddy' doesn't work any longer, get it? Cheaters will always cheat, YES!!! whether u accept it or not.....yet I do know that there are those few rare men that have done it once in their lifes and because of their love to their women they have not repeated this. So do the equation...one time only give the guy a chance......anything more than 1, he will most likely cheat again whether with this lady or another. Then it's all up to you to accept it or move on. g'luck girl

Answer 2

The reason for the line "once a cheater, always a cheater" is because the person in question never really fixes what caused them to cheat the first time. That is why they usually do it again.

I do know of a very FEW men and women both that had an affair but they did fix the source of the problem... themself and have not repeated it.

Your honey so obviously enjoys the attention from his ex and there is nothing you can do about it. HE has to give her up. and stop looking for attention outside your marriage. You can tell him that too.

Just because he stops the e-mails (for now) doesn't mean he took care of WHY he did it in the first place. Have to go to the source.

Answer 3

I can start by saying that I am also bi and have cheated. My cheating was a little different than what your girlfriend had going on I think. I cheated because I wanted sex with boys and I was commited to a girl. I cheated for two reasons, lust and not being fulfilled emotionally/intimately. I didn't feel my gf loved me after being togather 6 years and I found one person, that I thought did - but it was all about sex to him. My girlfriend and I eventually were able to work things out and come to a point and I love her more now than I did. I say all this to answer your first question. People cheat for many reasons, if you are not being fulfilled in your current relationship, why not go backwards to where you did obtain fulfilment? Maybe she is different with you because unlike the ex ex you don't contain baggage from history with her, the ex wasn't fulfilling her -- maybe you do! You never know but your aunt is right, life is too short to try and predict the future. We love and we lose, if you want to trust her, try until she proves otherwise.

Answer 4

There is some truth to that statement; however there are men/women out there that can and do change and never go back there again. You have been married to him for 7 years and can usually tell if he is giving you a line or if he really means it. What is that inner voice telling you?? If he really means it then give him another chance and move forward. I think that I would classify this as the 7 year itch where he is wondering what would have happened and what happened to her. This is a relatively normal thing for couples to go through as long as they only reconnected without "connecting". If the "connecting" happened then he crossed the line from 7 year itch to cheating. Talk to him and work through this. Your marriage is worth it and will be stronger for it. Good Luck

Answer 5

This statement is true for some and not for others. It is according to the person. Give him some time to earn your trust back and you will know what category he falls into. Keep your eyes wide open and please find out why he felt he needed this other woman when he has you by his side all the time. It usually has absolutely nothing to do with the wife.

Do not throw away a chance of a new beginning for the two of you; talk, heal and move forward. He sounds as if he has learned a huge lesson from it all.

Answer 6

You are sooo right! He got busted of course he's gonna say anything you want to hear. Just always know he could do it again. and again. Been there done that. Once a cheater always a cheater in my eyes! Also it doesn't mean that your not #1. in his life. Some people need other friends outside the marriage. I guess it's more exciting to them. I would stop trying too find things on him. Get on with your life. What he does outside the home is his problem! He has to live with himself. To me if there is a next time, I'm out of that craziness. I like who I'm I don't need crap in my life. You want to be a dog. Go be a dog with someone else not me!

Answer 7

I really think it is a blanket statement, if you want my opinion. It really depends on why they cheated. If a person is just addicted to the thrill of the chase, and like that first initial contact, then those types of people or more likely to keep doing it.
In your husbands case it seems he was reminiscing about old feelings and got caught in that. If he is serious about cutting all contact and you trust that he will, i don't think he is going to cheat again. But he has to admit to at least himself why he was willing to throw everything you two have out the door for an old girlfriend. I think he really does love you, but just got caught up in the moment (so to speak. I know this happened over the course of weeks, not minutes) Then once he realized just how close he came to losing you, it snapped him out of it. I don't think he was in reality until you discovered what was going on. I think to him he was caught up in his own little world.
A relationship can survive infidelity if you are both willing to work on it. you have to be willing to forgive and let go, and he has to be willing to do whatever he has to, to prove he is trustworthy again. Your relationship has to become an open book with no secrets on either part. If you are feeling insecure, you have to talk to him about it, and he needs to tell you every move he makes until you are comfortable.

Answer 8

You've answered your own question. Your husband is a no good, lying cheater. Not only has he had an on-going affair and lied repeatedly to your face, but his relationship has gotten to the level where he's inquired about HER ability to handle the children. That's a person who has serious, deep feelings for her. You are deluding yourself if you feel that he hasn't had sex with her. My advice to you (seriously) is for you to terminate your marriage, because you don't really have a marriage. If you remain with this liar, you'll never be happy and you'll never be able to trust him, and you shouldn't. In reality, you'll be cheating YOURSELF out of having a normal, happy and healthy life because you'll be living with a man who doesn't really love you. Ask yourself, is this the kind of life I want to have looking over my shoulder, double checking everything, every day? Is this the type of person I want to spend the remainder of my life with? His promise to never cause you to hurt like that again is worth about as much as his promise that "oh, no, I haven't see her, at all!!"

Answer 9

Unless you both go to marriage counseling, the statement will be true. Even with counseling, he may still stray again but does he deserve that chance? There is something else to think about...
I learned through my first marriage that I'm not a very forgiving person. I held his infidelity over his head and wouldn't let it go. Every time he tried to give me constructive criticism I would say, "Well at least I don't screw your friends like you did mine." It was a very horrible time for both of us because in focusing on what he done, I didn't try to see any reasons for it. He'd made a commitment to me and it didn't seem to matter as much to him as it did to me. I was very angry and ended up self destructing. I became someone I didn't even recognize. Jealous, petty, vindictive and hateful just to name a few. I hated him for what he did and hated myself when he did it again.
Eventually I left him but managed to carry over that anger to the next relationship and the next and the next. (see where this is going?). Eventually I realized I had to let it go. I had to learn to trust which is a whole lot harder then you'd think but even more important, I had to learn how to forgive my ex-husband.
Not only does he need counseling but you will too in order to be able to get past this and forgive him. Best wishes to you both.

Answer 10

Alot of times, it's true...once a cheater always a cheater, but I'd say give him this one chance to redeem himself, but if he still contacts her, get rid of him.