What do you do when your marriage is squeezing life out of you?

Question

My marriage is mortally wounded, bleeding and for all purposes.. dead. I have children to consider, my wife is not interested in counseling or reconciliation yet she doesn't seem to want to end it. Its like she wants her cake and eat it too (like a marriage of convienience but she and I have different goals and priorities...we're like strangers)

How to I continue when my life is in such disaster? Do file for divorce and be alone for the rest of my life? Or do I continue business as usual for my kids sake?

Its hard getting up and going to work or even have fun in my personal time when all these issues are a dark cloud over me.

I have no real friends to discuss these things with who will understand..so I guess I need one of you to help me see this thing clearer.

Need some practical advice from anyone who has it...Thanks

Answer 1

Why would you stay in a marriage that you both are miserable in for the sake of the kids?
If she's unwilling to get any kind of counseling, even to help the kids with this, then maybe you should get your own place.

Don't stick with someone to keep them from avoiding reality.

Answer 2

It is very sad what you are feeling right now, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am not sure but is it possible your wife is involved with someone? If not I did read a very interesting book called "The Five Love Languages." How to express Heartfelt Commitment to you mate. Maybe you are not reaching her the way she wants.
If that doesn't work then I would think she is having an affair. If she is having an affair she will not want to end the marriage because she is having all of her needs met by you and the other person. If she doesn't see the importance of reconciliation ask her if you type of relationship is the type she wants the children to have someday. That may open some line of communication. Other then that I think you have to do some detective work to get to the bottom of things
Your children are so important and I would not suggest divorce until you have gone through every possible route to reconciliation.
Divorce does hurt the children I know I live it everyday and see how my children are with their father, he left due to an affair and our children took it personally, even with counseling they understand it was not their fault but they wanted another outcome, a whole loving family.
Good luck.

Answer 3

First of all, I am very sorry you are going through this. I am no couselor by any means. And I give my advice from an outside point of view.

You will always be the father of your children. Nothing can ever change that!

Your continued unhappiness is not healthy for you, your wife or your children. I reccommend seeking some professional counseling (just for yourself) in your area to help you alleviate some of your feelings that seem to be "bottled up". I think that may help you form a clearer picture of what it is YOU want from this life. Children learn from what they see etc, and if you are unhappy, they may be too. Your wife may be hanging on to the marriage as a "safety net" of sorts.


It is no one else's decision to suggest to you to get a divorce. This must be decided by you, and solely you. Your fear of being alone forever are probably insecurities that your feeling with all of the complications that you are experiencing in your marriage.

What you are going through now could be a lesson for you to take with you down the next stage of your life; although you may not know that now.

Relationships are never easy. It takes two to make a marriage work. I have learned (from my past relationships) that if there is not open communication, trust and honesty, on both sides, a relationship cannot thrive or survive.

I wish you the very best and I hope my two cents were somewhat helpful to you. Take care.

Answer 4

A separation. However, the kids will suffer unless you can figuire out an economical way to do this. Maybe the cheapest room you can rent in someones house. Needs to be a neutral party so that she doesn't feel alienated by you talking to friends or relatives. If you get a 2nd p/t job this could help. I know it sounds like a lot of work on you. But it just might be worth it down the road when in your absence (and her wondering why you appear so much more at peace & happy) her heart begins to soften and the possibility of change may enter the picture. It's a process . . but I think shaking up the scenario and slowly learning to laugh together again might be in order. I think a good sense of humor with each other lightens the burden. But don't be too quick to let her know you want her back. Let her heart yearn a little. Just my thoughts, . .Best of wishes.

Answer 5

There is not such a thing as 'hanging on' for the kids sake. What's healthy in having 2 bitter parents who don't love, respect or support each other. Children are an easy excuse used by people to delay the inevitable.

If your marriage is mortally wounded then divorce.

Why do you associate divorce with being alone for the rest of your life? I associate divorce with 'new beginning'. ' New love'. ' New challenges'. ' New opportunity to do things right'.

If you want to waste another 10 years of your life being miserable and unhappy it's your decision.

Answer 6

This must be terrible for you, You could try to somehow decide whether it is something you want to keep trying or not. You seem to be stuck in limbo at the moment, it could go on like this forever; action must be taken and whatever that is, is up to you. Personally, I would do what I could to get her into a couselling session. You will either end it in counselling, or decide to work on it together, whatever happens you get some closure. Thats all I can think of, neither of you can go on like this.
Plan B: Take a holiday (just a weekend) if possible, or send her on one, gives you both time to think. Tell her you want to talk changes when you meet again
Plan C: Write her a letter, explain everything you can in the best way you can, what you want, and how you feel, or what you don't know if thats all you've got. You may get a reply.

Best of Luck xx

Answer 7

If you are miserable then your kids can see that and you are doing them no favors. You need to file for divorce and move on with your life. You will not be alone for the rest of it unless you choose to be. Take a few days and go to find a place to live that you can afford. Take into account that you either need to take the kids with you or you will be paying child support. So when you look for a place you need to make sure that when the kids are there to see you they have a place to sleep. Get a lawyer and file now while the 2 of you can still stand to see each other. You both deserve to move on with life and be happy and your kids will be happier when they see you happier. You should never stay together for the sake of the kids as the negativity in the house is worse for them than the happiness out on your own. Good Luck

Answer 8

Staying in a marriage for the kids is not worth it...for you or the kids. Kids are very intuitive and know that things are not right. Do you want to teach you kids that a loveless marriage is normal? Divorce is hard on everyone but eventually it is for the better (if things are as bad as you say) and who says you will be alone for the rest of your life. You may meet the person you were meant to be with and be able to teach you children what a healthy relationship looks like. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Answer 9

Well I think you need to go to your wife and talk about how you feel and how this is effecting you. Maybe you should tell her that you want to go to counseling and that if you don't go then you might consider a divorce. If she can't come up with a good enough reason not to go, then she probably doesn't care enough about the marriage anyways. I would try and work things out though for the kids sake.

Answer 10

This is sad but so many people live through it. The kids will be fine even if you do divorce. My parents did and yeah...it was hard for me at first, but it was for the best. If you're not happy then it's not healthy. You need to sit down with her once and let her know how it is. Tell her that it's counseling or you'll have to be separated. Just let her know how you feel and if she isn't willing to help the relationship then you need to do what's right for yourself. It takes two in a marriage and it seems like you're the only one working to help it. You need to get out of this.

Answer 11

Sweetie, I feel for you. I once thought that having the married life is as good as it gets and then you bump into obstacles in your life like the one that you have.

I think any advice any one of us here can give you can't fix your problem to the dot. You know what's best for you, we don't. You do have to remember that being happy is definitely worth fighting for and if your wife isn't providing that for you, you might need other avenues of finding it.

You may have lost the passion in the relationship but don't let it consume your soul. Find things in your life that make you happy and magnify it by 100. If it means shooting golf or fixing your car or exercising do it. If you wife doesn't want to change or fix the situation, sit down and write/think about all the pros and cons of stay/leaving the relationship and come back to this list a few days later.

Every choice and decisions in our lives have consequences and rewards. Make a stand and chose what is right. Good Luck