Do u think this is paternal neglect and abuse? What can I do about it?

Question

My father is always working and seldom home. When I was growing up as a kid he never took an active interest in my life, never taught me sports or technical stuff. Even when he is at home there is not much communication and he's always watching TV or reading a newspaper. He also gets frustrated very easily and vents his anger at work on me. Once he grabbed me by the hands and dragged me across the floor from one place to another to cane me. He also threatened to expel me from the home. He is always harsh with me so I tried to ignore him. I think he got the message and virtually ignored me as well. This went on for many years.
So here u have a 20 year old young man with low self-esteem and feeling like s.h.i.t. and a father who is workaholic and whom I'm still afraid of.

Answer 1

This is a VERY dysfunctional situation, so what I suggest you do is get some counseling from a mental health professional about this problem. Another thing I would recommend is when you find a good woman and have kids with her, you must be a better father to those kids than your own father was to you. I hope my answer helps you, Good Luck.

Answer 2

I'm in NO way condoning what your father did. I will say that I can understand both sides of this. My mom died when I was 11 and my father was drunk for about 3 years. I understood he was hurting but we (my sisters and I) were hurting too. In your case, he might just not know how to communicate with you. He might have been raised where 'men don't cry' was the mentality. Even peers could have had a part in how he treated you. Its much more than a simple is this abuse or not thing. I'm sorry you felt like he was treating you bad, and more sorry for the times he actually did. I hope you will have more faith in yourself than I did when I was 20. I'm 36 now, my father died in 1999, I miss both parents very much. When you are a parent, please don't let this influence how you treat your own children. I think my point was simply he might not have known what to do. You're grown now, go up to him as a man and tell him how you feel. You might be surprised. Let him know how you feel. Its very important.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

I know it was never easy living in an environment where parental neglect and abuse were present BUT now that you are a lot older and wiser - you can use this experiences as a learning ground. It is not too late to change your perspective of who you are and how you feel inside. Forgive your dad for all his past mistakes then move on. Learn to love and appreciate yourself more. No one can re-build your self-esteem except yourself. If you are still studying - strive to be top in your class. If your working, do your best to excel in your chosen career. No one can hinder your success except yourself. Past is past and you cannot change that. What you have is the present and it's in your own free will the kind of path you choose to have.

You know the traumatic effects of being physically abused and neglected - so when you decide to become a parent (someday) yourself - you will not end up doing the same mistakes your dad did but instead pursue to become a better parent, more supportive, more loving and more compassionate to your off springs.

Answer 4

My father was a wonderful man. He was a preacher who took his family to church, worked hard to provide for us everything we needed, loved us deeply. When he passed away several years ago, there was hardly a spot on his body that wasn't touched by a child, grandchild, my mom. We were surrounding him with love. Not a day goes by that he isn't missed deeply and the things he taught us are carried on throughout this family. He was truly a wonderful man. I did not know until I was much older that he was abused and mistreated terribly by his father until I was much older. This hurt me so much, but the admiration I have for him is even greater because he overcame this to become a wonderful husband/father/grandfather. You can be anything you want to be, it's up to you. I am very sorry and I hope life has many great things in store for you. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

What you wrote is my life, of course you left out the father that left when I was 3, the second father was an abusive alcoholic, the mother that died when I was 8, the adopted parents with a dad like yours and an insane mother. You're 20 years old. Time to start getting over it. You think you had it rough? Try being 5 years old and sitting on steel kegs of beer for hours in the back room of a bar while your mom and her second husband, the bartender drink all day. It's time to get the fock over it, be a man, sack up, whatever you want to call it. If you haven't moved out, do so asap. Get out on your own, limit your ties with your parents, become an individual that you appreciate. With them out of your life, you won't have to worry about pleasing them, only yourself. You might think about joining the military, it will build up your self-esteem faster than anything else I know. Time to grow up and be a man. It ain't easy, but it's what you do.

Answer 6

It's sad that a father can treat their son this way. Its a form of physical and emotional abuse. With the latter being probably the most scaring of the two.
You need to tell yourself that its not your fault your father is like this, and be a bigger person and move on with your life.
Maybe one day he will realise how much hurt he caused you, and if he doesnt, then he's not worthy of your love.
Try move out, and if you can talk to a professional. Dont let it effect your future relationships and try to take a valuable lesson from it. ie. How to treat other people! Peace :)

Answer 7

I think your father got issues, perhaps when he was a kid that's why he's acting like so. It may sounds crappy but why don't you try to write a letter to him, express your feelings about your relationship with your dad. He might take it badly or he'll get to his senses but either ways, what's important is you let him know. And since you are old enough to start a new life of your own or even start your own family in the near future, you now know better how to handle things when it comes to your family

Answer 8

This definitely sounds like neglect because you mentioned he never did anything with you as a child and that there was never much communication between the two of you. Also it is very wrong of your dad to have attacked and abused you in this way. You could join clubs/collage to make new friend and meet people to build up your self-esteem. Do you get on with your mother? Maybe you could speak to her and tell her how you are feeling. And i also think it would be wise for you to move out of your parents house, it seems like the smart and logical thing to do.

Answer 9

It sounds like it, but you know what, you have realized what the problems in your growing up were, so now you have a better understanding and from this vantage point you can become a better person and a better husband and a better father than you father ever was. Life is sometimes tough and we need to overcome obstacles to become a better person, despite the scars that remain. In time, just like now, you don't forget it, but it will not occupy your time so much and later, you will only think about once in a long time. Good. Luck. You deserved better and you will get better.

Answer 10

This is a form of abuse, and almost all of us has some baggage from our childhood that we carry. Even if we were raised in a good home.

You are 20 now, so why do you still live with him? It's time to grow up and move out. Just be sure and learn from this on how NOT to raise your own children.