How do you tell your husband you need more attention?

Question

My husband works nights, 12 hour shifts so he has to sleep all day. He also sleeps all day when he is off. I know he is tired, but i feel neglected. I stay at home with our 6 mo old and take care of all the housework so he can come home and relax. I feel unappreciated and very lonely. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry. He says I always try to make him feel bad. All I want is for him to set aside a little time for me on the weekends. I have no family here and no one to talk to. Am I being selfish?

Answer 1

NO, you are not being selfish. Tell him that you are not saying these things to make him feel bad.. that you want the both of you to be happy.
You should EXPECT these things and you need to sit him down without interruption and ask him if you both can come up with a plan and a compromise. If he refuses then ask him to go to a counselor because it won't be long before you'll get real tired of this.

Answer 2

You're not being selfish. Hopefully your husband actually wants to spend time with you. Maybe you're coming off as needy. Try not to see so dependent of his time even though your really want his attention. I know that raising a child and doing all of the house work is a huge responsibility. Perhaps you should get a part time job and work a little so that your husband doesn't have to work 12 hour shifts. Ask your parents or his parents to watch your child for one day a week and free up some time that way. Hopefully you can do some scheduling changes and make it work. Good luck!

Answer 3

You are not being selfish. I will tell you I work nights and make sure I make time for my family. Find someone you trust to watch the baby. Set aside a day when you know he will be available and try talking to him again. Be very forceful and firm. Tell him this is serious and not to get angry. Tell him your marriage is falling apart and he needs to care. And make sure he is not cheating on you. This goes on a lot at nights and I have worked both days and nights. It seems to happen more at night. I'm not saying he is but just heads up. Leaving may be an option for you if nothing else helps. This may save your marriage BUT it can also destroy it. Just be careful.

Answer 4

I worked the night shift for 15 years. You have two times to get some and that is right when he gets home and takes a shower before bed or as soon as he wakes up. For his weekends, he will sleep at the same time as he does for work because biologically this is the way a body works. You can also try to stay up a while with him during his normal work hours. You probably need to try to match his hours a bit as well on the weekends. If he works 12 hours then sleeps for 8, you should get a couple of family hours during the week as well.

Answer 5

He most likely KNOWS that you are lonely and my guess is that with him responding in anger, he feels more than a bit guilty about it.
It sounds like he is carrying the can, so to speak, for the household finances, and at least he is working to support his family so cut him a bit of slack.
Wait til he has a bit more energy and ask him if he would like to do something with you on one of his days off.
If he is a reasonable man, then he will want to listen to you and maybe you should take an hour or two out to have a drink or even just a coffee somewhere?
Have a babysitter available too.
If he doesnt want to do ANYTHING with you even knowing that you are actually very lonely and down, then there are other issues besides a lack of energy on his part.
Good luck.

Answer 6

No you are not being selfish, he is. Just because he has a paying job 12 hours per day does not give him the right to sleep the other 12 hours of the day. My hubby works the same shift and he tries to pull that crap too. You let your guy know that he may work 12 hour shifts, but you are on call to a demanding baby 24 hours a day with no weekends and no time off. To start, just plan something for yourself on his day off and leave the baby with him. He'll learn!

Answer 7

Let him sleep he must be tired and he must be doing his best. As long as he is not going out with his buddies and taking your time to spend with is buddies. Really count your blessings; I know you know that it would be different if he were going out drinking and neglecting you in that manner. He must think that I go to work and for what? He must think he can't win. Really just when he is up don't nag him just enjoy him and love him and he will see that you appreciate what he does for the family. If you nag him he might start to resent you. Instead tell him how proud you are of him and all his hard work he does and how your lucky to have a man that wants to work hard to give you need. Compliment his hard work and he will continue to fall in love with you. You have to feed love or it will die if he begins to feel challenged as if what he does is not for the family, you are going to make his love turn to anger and it will get worse. Feed love and it will grow.

I know this is not what you wanted to hear but honey assess sweeter then lemons. Look try it see how it works for you and if it doesn't then things will just go back to square one. You have nothing to lose and lots to gain.

I don't think your being selfish just wanting your husbands caresses which should be a given. But right now he is like a lion so cares him and then the caresses will come to you when he sees his hard work is loved by you his wife. It is called the domino affect.

Answer 8

Find a good Mother's Day Out program for your 6 mo old. Then go out and make friends with some people. Develop a network of people you trust and like to be around. Don't just sit at home feeling lonely.

Answer 9

Dani, First off you are not being selfish. Every person needs community and a change of scenery from time to time. Your husband gets it when he goes to work. You don't have that "luxury".

I can relate to your situation a little. My wife and I have three boys. I work during the day and she works part time in the evening. I am also taking 13 hrs of classes. We have different sleep schedules. So we really do not spend much time together during the week. During the weekend we are hustling and bustling around to get our errands done when I am not studying.

Obviously, I do not know your personalities. However, we are similarly neglecting our relationship. She, too, is in a similar situation where she does not have any friends. I realize that she is taking on the bulk of the work, so I do let her know that I view my job as a walk in the park compared to all that she does at home. We understand what is going on and why. We also have hope of change.

Your situation is different in that your husband comes home tired and probably does not have a good comprehension of what you actually do all day. When he comes home, he may be looking for a sounding board and isn't ready to be a sounding board (that is his problem). You are probably incredibly grateful when your 6mo old takes a nap so you can get MORE work done (opposed to just being able to get a breather). A man rests from dusk to dawn, but a woman's work is never done.

I don't know your method of conveying your situation to your husband. Some people react differently to different things. What you may try to do is see if you can setup a date or some semi-"special" occasion or even something less significant with your husband. Just say hey "Steve" I was thinking maybe we can go for a walk before you go to work or after you come back because I think it would be nice to do that together or it really makes me happy when I am around you. It is neither confrontational nor "complaining". Remember, the way to a man's heart is his ego. If you stroke that the right way, he will come back for more. Even hearkening back to a conversation you had with him where you thought he made some good points might be enough to make him want to make more conversation. It does depend on the person. If you know some things that he likes, you may be able to get a more positive response. Unfortunately, you are in a situation where he is inconsiderate or oblivious, so you almost have to pander to him, to get him to entertain your suggestions. That may help with getting more time with him. Probably won't help the libido during the week.

You still have the issue of being under appreciated and lonely. Starting with the latter first, there are mommy play groups for mommies of children of various ages. If you are in a large enough community, there might be an outlet there. If it worked with your schedule, you could join a class (academic, fitness, etc.) that would bring you into contact with other mommies your age. FYI, single friends do not make good friends for married people. That is a huge mine field. You also could get involved with a local church. The key is to find something where you do not have to leave your baby with your husband. At this point, in the game that would probably make take a negative position wrt your activities. While it is his problem, we still have to bring him around to your line of thinking before he will take on added responsibilities with a cheerful heart.

So the big question is how do you get him to realize what you do so that he appreciates you and tries to live more for you? Maybe if you could ask him to do a "minor" favor for you while you are doing some work. Maybe you could ask him to rinse of the dishes while you fold some laundry. You could also try the approach of neglecting to do something that he takes for granted and just explain that you had some more pressing things that needed to get done. You could also try doing something special for him that is unexpected and explain that you love him so much that you worked extra hard to get enough things done to free up the time to do it. And then you could explain that you didn't have enough time to get his "whites" done that day :o) If that doesn't work maybe you could find a reason to be gone where he would have to do somethings for himself. Be sure that you let him know that you understand that he will have a little extra work and that you KNOW what it is like to have to do a lot of things when you would rather rest.

I hope some people have some better ideas, but that is my two cents worth. I wish the best for you and your family.

Tim

Answer 10

No, you're not being selfish. He needs to make time for you. If he does nothing but take you out to dinner once or twice a week, that would be a start. Maybe the two of you can get a sitter for the baby. But it's frustrating when he gets angry because you're trying to talk to him about something. My husband is the same way. Something bothers you and you try to get it off your chest but you get yelled at.

If he won't talk to you, then go see a counselor to get things off your chest. If he's not interested in counseling, which most men aren't, then go for yourself. Maybe you'll soon realize that he's not the one for you.

Answer 11

mine does the same thing.But gosh he surely has some days off,mine is off 5 days...he's off fishing right now til Monday.Working that many hours,he has to have some down time,and you tell him you know that...he has to rest..but you are there all day and would like to have a sitter maybe every other week, so that you and him can go out.Go out get away and have a date nite.Tell him if he doesn't' agree to that then he will keep the baby while you go out,somewhere anywhere.But you tell him you have to have time away,you have to have your own space,at least once a week,maybe more.You will lose yourself...if he won't go,then you get dressed up,go to eat,go to the library,join a young mom's club,many churches have mother's day out...get your baby in one.Tell them you just moved here and definitely need time away from your baby...join some sort of club,either church,craft,new mom's,hobbies,that way you can meet other people,but make you some friends.There is a mom's site you can get on..There is an international mom's club,google it and find out if they have a chapter near you...good luck! If your in Texas,my daughter and you can get together,she has a 3 yr.old.