A poem I made up....?

Question

I know its not good but anyways, tell me what ya think! :D

I sit here under the shade of an oak tree
And look out over the mountains, out to the sea
The sea is tossing and churning
The waves make it look like the sea isnt misty blue
but dangerously burning
The wind is starting to roar
The birds fly up and start to soar
I look out to the sea again
and now I see, the hurricane coming in
It looks magestic and beautiful
but to others it looks like a charging bull
The air around me suddenly gets still
As if a tiger is going in for the kill
I know my end is near
I whisper, "Goodbye." And shed my last tear
Then I jump.

Answer 1

Not bad. Especially for someone who would say they made up a poem as apposed to I wrote a poem.

I have a few suggestions.

The air around me stills
As a tiger who moves in for the kill
(sounds better and is more interesting)

It is magestic and beautiful
Yet to others it's as if it were charging bull
(Sounds better)

The wind begins to roar
Birds grow weary, to the north they soar
(gets the point across better)

The sea is no longer misty blue
but burning a dangerous red
(the first line has color so the second one should too)

I sit here in the great oak tree (The makes it sound more important)
And look over the mountains, to the sea (flows better)
The sea is filled with parrell (more interesting)

I look to the seas again
And now a hurricane comes in


So I'm thinking it should be:

I sit here in the great oak tree
And look over the mountains, to the sea
The sea is filled with parrell
The sea is no longer misty blue
but burning a dangerous red
The wind begins to roar
Birds grow weary, to the north they soar
I look to the seas again
And now a hurricane comes in
It is magestic and beautiful
Yet to others it's as if it were charging bull
The air around me stills
As a tiger who moves in for the kill
I know my end is near
I whisper, "Goodbye." And shed a tear
I throw away my final fear
Then I jump.

Answer 2

some of the imagery in the poem is really fitting "a tiger is going in for the kill" and I think more imagery like that would help the poem. I think that's a great line.

The one line that bothers me is "the waves make it look like the sea isn't a mist blue" I totally understand what you are trying to say, but I think it could be said "better" I think you mean that the calm ocean has been replaced by roaring waves?? maybe not though... the line just doesn't flow with the poem, work on it some more : ) ?

I like what the poem is about. It has an ominous melancholy feel throughout. I think it would be more interesting that instead of saying "then I jump" you use different language. Maybe a little more ambiguity?

Answer 3

This poem is definitely a case where the rhymes are in the way. There are some good visual observations, and I even like the whole conflict of the reflections on nature with the ending. Makes it kind of poignant.

You could totally re-write this and just the words and images flow without the structure of the rhyme and I think you would express something much nicer, for yourself. When you let yourself spread out in the ideas and the words, I think you'll get more out of writing the poem. That's been my experience anyway.

Answer 4

Nicee=]

Answer 5

Wow. it's quite nice. Like all the above said, some work/ revise should be done. I'm sure you can be make it even better. =]

Answer 6

It's actually pretty good. I think it does need a bit of work, but I like it.

Answer 7

Cool. Its deeply moving (whether or not you think so). This poem is a lot better than any i've heard recently. = )

Answer 8

It's really good... I know I could have never came up with that :D

Answer 9

It's good.