Once married with kids, don't get divorced. Kids did not ask to be born. Your responsibilty lies with them 1st

Question

Your life and happiness should take a back seat to your kids'.
You want to divorce, then wait for kids to grow up.
You had kids, you find a way to work it out.
That applies to both parties.

I seperated from my wife after two years, for a year.
She kept the kids from me - I had to get a court order to get to see my kids.
In the end, she came to her senses after almost a year.
She was a mess, I almost didn't get back with her as I was enjoying my self too much leading a single life again.
I enjoyed the best of both worlds.
My kids were staying over every 2nd week but there was something missing in their lives and I felt for them.
I got back with my wife. It was not easy, we still had fights but were more cautious and controlled ourselves more when fighting.
In the end, we both matured to such an extent that the love and respect was fully restored in the marriage. We had another kids after 6 years.
Today, we have been married for 25 years and the two eldest daughters are on the verge of marrying. Both are professionals and the first kid to marry said to me the other day, "I love you, Daddy. Thanks for always being there,"

I can honestly say, it worked for me.

Answer 1

I'm right there with you on this one Q, However one must realize that a lot of kids born today are being born to (in most cases) unwed parents who are kids themselves.

Too many relationships today base their foundation on lust rather that real love. The relational problems and hardships we face today are due to the forgotten attitude of proprietary actions of courting.

In your given example I must also add that this be done in civility. Something only an 'adult' could do.

Answer 2

It was a good thing that you and your wife were able to work things out. The children lives will be affected by the divorce , and some times have a hard time adjusting.You and your wife did what was best for ever one involved.
Some times if it's a abusive relationship it not in the best interest of the children to grow up in that type of environment. Some time you have to look at what the situation is like for all involved before deciding if it's the right think to do.

Answer 3

Wow, been there done that... Now divorced a month ago, after 28 years.
I have three children and upon the youngest being 13 years old (seven years ago), knew there were serious problems, (unsolvable problems) with the marriage. I spoke to my 13 year old talking about lots of things and bringing up the problems between her father and I. She immediately responded, "please do not get a divorce. All my friends are divorced and I don't want to be like one of them."
My heart dropped, and yes. You make a committment to your spouse, a bigger committment when you have children. I made the choice to stay for my children, roughing it through at times.
Today, my ex-husband and I are friends. We have divorced and know that many years will be spent sharing grandchildren, birthdays, holidays, etc. My children have given me great respect for trying to make it last, especially my youngest. I remember the day I called her to tell her I served her father with divorce papers. Her responce - "its about time, you said you would do it after I graduated HS."
It is not easy to do with children, no matter the age. It depends on the type of family and how close you are. I still have committed to the family unit and started a monthly dinner with mom. All my children and their spouses or significant others come to dinner, either at my house or I pay for dinner out. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries or anything that occurred during that month at dinner. Then after dinner we go to someone house and do an activity. A movie, a picture slide show of vacation, a family game (that we used to do). It has kept the children together just as much as I need to see them at least once a month.
I wish you well and hope this has helped.

Answer 4

Firstly not a question. Secondly I think someone would be doing more damage to their kids by staying married if there are serious problems. I mean I know there are some kids that have issues when their parents get divorced. But that is only because those parents never even talked to their kids about what was going on. Kids don't need to know the whole issues about their folks not having sex anymore or something else really deep and over their heads if they are young. But if there are other issues that the parents can simplify and explain to the kids they should do so before getting a divorce. As I see it people can try and try and try until they are blue in the face to make a relationship work. But if two people rush into a marriage without fully knowing each other all that well and try for years to make it work it won't. Because those two people just aren't meant to be. Its a nice theory and idea to put your kids happiness above your own in a marriage but you can't do that either. Because you keep sacrificing things for your kids and kids can sense the tension and really know what is going on. They will eventually come to either the mom or the dad and ask what is going on. And with parents being so into protecting their kids they up and lie to them and say nothing is going on. Kids don't need lies the need the truth. And if its true that things are working out then divorce is where its at. Only after you give it a reasonable try with counselling and things like that. I would rather give my kids the example of working hard at my relationship, and amicably getting a divorce and still letting them see their father than go through the rest of my life feeling sad, faking smiles, putting make up on to cover bruises if he is beating me or something for the sake of my kids. Because as I have been taught and even seen with my own eyes. Kids know more than what adults think they do. Don't let them suffer and live their own lives with the most personal example of how a relationship should work out is through faking it by their own parents. Because that causes more harm than good.

Answer 5

Well maybe you should ask the kids who's parents stayed together because of them. Maybe you should get their side to the story of how unhappy they were where their parents were fighting all the time...or the father was hitting the mother and/or the children. Not everything is black and white....just ask women who have been beaten for years and stay, thinking it is best for the kids. Studies have been done that will tell you that in a lot of cases, it is not better for the children to be raised with parents who dont like each other or who fight all the time, and definitely not better being raised in a violent home. There are exceptions to everything you are talking about. In a perfect world, maybe what you are saying is true...but our world if far less than perfect.

Answer 6

I must respectfully disagree with you. Any time that BOTH parties want to work on a relationship to try to fix it, they should go for it. But, if all that is left is cruelty, hate, and resentment, what kind of example are you setting for your children if you remain together?? It is better for kids to be part of two happy homes than one unhappy one.

Answer 7

Staying together for the kids is a big mistake. Kids are smart enough to know when their parents are unhappy, and they are going to be as deeply affected by it if their parents stay together than they would if they got divorced.

Just because a relationship doesn't work out, doesn't mean you can't be good parents.

Answer 8

If the marriage is o.k., then fine, stay married for the kids.

If the marriage is not okay then it's not setting a good example for your kids. It is showing them that it's okay to be miserable and put up with whatever it is.

Life is too short to be unhappy for any great length of time when there are alternatives.

Answer 9

So I should just wait for him to stop hitting me, and demeaning me in front of the kids....while my daughter learns it is OK for men to treat her like crapp when she gets older, and my son sees it's OK to treat his wife this way because Daddy did it?
No. Unfortunately, there is no same answer for everyone. I had teachers telling me that my kids came out of their shells after our separation and then divorce. All cases cannot be judged the same. Don't even try.

Answer 10

I completely agree.This can't be said any better.You should get the 10 points for best question.I think most everyone that answered this didn't read it very well.Some how they missed the part that said "you find a way to work it out".That means find some common ground both parents can work with and at least make life good for the kids.This means no fussing and fighting.but rather a positive setting for everyone.