Here's a poem/song I wrote. Comment?

Question

Let me start off by saying its kind of a sad, emo-ish poem/song with no background. The situation inferred in it has no relation to any event in my life. Its just... emo. I don't normally write this kind of stuff! It just kinda fell into my head, and I like it. Will you suggest improvement? Or, perhaps, another stanza? :3

Here it is:
---
I saw you lying there, gasping
for air. So I kneeled next to
you, and you said to me,
"I can't hold on anymore."
Please don't leave me,
you are not alone.
Please breathe!
I need you next to me;
I can't let you go-
Another sad song written,
another heart beat fading,
another life gone wrong!
Please breathe:
Come back towards my light,
see the tears I cry,
come back to me~
---
Your thoughts?

dependableriffra, its not that this poem doesn't mean anything to me. I was on the verge of tears when I wrote it, because of its sad idea. I just wrote in the details that it had "no relation to any event in my life" because I didn't want anyone to feel awkward, or give me their word of condolence. Will you give me your definition of "inspired"? For me, ideas just come to me somehow, developed. If you can remember your dreams, you'll find they're a good source of inspiration. :D Anyway, you shouldn't call anything somebody put heart and effort into constructing "junk." You write in a trifling manner, and your words are exaggerated. That being said, your response has no effect on me whatsoever. Except the emotion of anger against your unsupported thesis which was obviously meant to "put me in my place" and discourage me from writing. No lover of poetry would ever say that to a fellow student.

Answer 1

Hey! I like it as it is. And here's why; many poetry and prose writers leave their writing just as you did at the end. It is very emotional yes, but it has a longing for what used to be and what could be if the dying one and the speaking one could have one more day together. It seems like an accident in passing, you know? LIke a bystander is recording this final moment and no one feels ashamed because it's such a heartfelt pleading for death to not claim this one today. don't many of us feel that way when faced with these emotions for real? I know I was! You plead, you beg, you wonder why today, why her/him. It's classical humanity. A great majority of us feel this way at some point, and you've described it-- wrote it out on paper. I wouldn't add a thing to it. Try and put it in a writers poetry journal. Many colleges and universities have open requests once a year for writers to submit work in hopes of the judges chosing yours for a space in the anthology/journal for the year. Happy continued writing!

Answer 2

To me it has a lot of depth but it depends on what u mean. If you want to start a new stanza maybe you can why you are holding on to this person and why the person can't hold on anymore. You can include more details if it is a song. You have talent for someone who this piece of writing is not significant to. KEEP WRITING and one day you will get your big thing because everything starts from a little thing....IT IS GOOD WRITING.

Answer 3

I reckon thats its more of a love (not love love, as in like caring sorta way way) poem than an emo poem (but then again, I'm not to familiar with the emo sub-culture). None the less, I give it a 6.5/10, its better than average :)

Answer 4

You didn't need to tell us that the poem meant nothing to you personally. It is obviously an uninspired piece of junk. Any person on this earth could duplicate or surpass the quality of this poem with little or no effort. Sad, sad sad please sad no please sad no please doesn't make a good poem and that's what you've got.

Answer 5

It's OK i guess, i wouldn't start a carer out of it though.

Answer 6

I liked it it was kinda cool..