Can you pleace critize my short story for me, please?

Question

http://groups.msn.com/HeartbrokenFovever/neverjudgeabookbyitscover.msnw

It's only that one page. Please and thank you.

Answer 1

I won't criticize it, but I will critique it. Big difference. You have a lot of grammatical problems. First is tense changes. You hop back and forth, past to present and back again all over the place. It is receptive. You start too many sentences with "He". You need to learn how to change the wording of your sentences to mix that up. You have a lot of other receptive words, too. When you start all your sentences with "He did this" and "He did that" it comes off sounding like a baseball play by play. Learn to vary your sentences.

I didn't understand the "Sunday" beginning. First you say he approaches you differently - he smiles at you instead of kissing and hugging. Then you say he always approaches you by smiling. You need to emphasize the difference a bit more. It was confusing.

You need to really go through it and read it aloud. Write more like you speak. Use your "voice" more. When you read it aloud, it is often easy to pick out the little errors you make in grammar. Oddly, it is a fact most people speak better English than they write.

Clean it up a bit and it will be ok. Pax-C

Answer 2

Just revise it a bit for grammar errors, but that's about. If possible, maybe make it a little longer? I'm not 100% sure why he tried to kill himself, since the issue at the mall wasn't extremely dramatic. But I really love the ending. I'm a sucker for that kind. Good work and good luck.