Why do people use children to control the mother or father when they get a divorce or separate?

Question

Why can't they see that the children are most important and not doing what they think is "best" for them, which is usually torturing the ex.

Answer 1

because they care more about hurting their ex than they do about the kids. Sad, but true.

Answer 2

I know what you mean. My daughter is 13 and still her father puts her in the middle. He is the biggest coward and low life. He uses our daughter to hurt me. He has no idea what he is doing to our daughter and he has done that will all of his other 4 girls and he wonders why they don't have a close relationship huh? For a 54 year old man he has a lot to grow up.

Now since he chose his wife he put our daughter aside. For 12 years I have never put my daughter in the middle. I think it's so selfish. The reason why parents do that is because they want control and cowards. At least I know I have done the right thing and that is why my daughter and I have a solid and loving relationship. That's why I pray that they BOTH stay out of our lives for good. He told my daughter if she wants to see him that she has to call and she has to see her step mom even if she doesn't want to. The bottom line is this. The parents don't suffer it's the child. He is a very cold hearted man along with his wife and what comes around goes around.

Answer 3

Because they are idiots. My partner ex-wife will stop at nothing and especially their three GROWN children (ages 19; 23 and 25), in order to get her ex's attention. She is both miserable and psychotic, and that's a shame. I've learnt not to let this get to me, I understand her point of view, she feels that even though their marriage was a shame, miserable and hateful, it was better for her to make him stay. Well, he is a Doctor and her lifestyle was amazing. Not that she will hurt for money now, but you see, she will still use guilt, the kids, whatever she can to make her husband suffer.
I think that people will only abuse you if you let them. I am doing my best to be supportive and do not speak badly about her around people we both know. I feel sorry for all of them. but luckily the kids are grown up and mature, and eventually, I hope she finds a boyfriend, gets laid, and gets off all of our backs. Good luck.

Answer 4

The parents are adults, so I'm not worried about torturing the parents. Its the kids who are used as an emotional tennis ball and are hit back and forth to hurt the parents.

The kids are the ones who get it in the end.

They are the ones who are hurt the most.

They are the ones who grow up modeling the same behavior.

Answer 5

My brother's ex routinely uses the kids to try to keep not only him but his end of the family in line... kind of like bait. She will use every trick in the book to manipulate everyone by offering or denying access to those kids.
The thing is, it usually backfires. At some point, the kids either figure it out for themselves or somebody tells them outright why they don't get to see their daddy or other relatives. The kids will get to where they will associate with whomever they want, and will be able to pick which parent they want to stay with.

Answer 6

Because, in anger, they don't CARE what's good for the children. They see the children as CONTROL DEVICES for the ex.
They can't "get to" the ex they want to continue punishing any other way, so children are the convenient tool to achieve that goal.
And as low as that sounds, what's worse is, it's the literal truth.

Answer 7

Because there is still unresolved resentment towards the ex-spouse, and a need to make him/her as miserable as they are. I don't know why they use the children either - nobody wins in that situation, and the children suffer because they are forced to pick sides.

Answer 8

that's the only thing they have left that they can hurt the other one with. and also a control thing. when grown people do that they are only thinking of themselves and not how it makes their children feel. if they did they wouldn't do that. so the question is who's acting like the child here?

Answer 9

I've been wondering the same thing. my sister and i are the children right now, and it feels horriable. To my best guess though its because the person wants to have an "advantage" of sorts. they feel that manipulation of the children will get them what they want. In my case my step father used my little sister as an ultimatium. he told my mother he wouldn't fight her for anything if she gave him full custody. She said no....has custody of both of us....but had to pay 50k......manipulation to get what they want.

Answer 10

i guess cause they are being babies. they doubt realize that there are other people that are getting hurt because of there actions. they become selfish that is what they become and they don't even realize it, so don't feel bad i know what you are going through. everything will be OK. tell them how you feel and stop being the messenger. if they want to say something each other they can talk so they should use there mouths to communicate. its not that hard. stay out of it.