The critic will take critque...?

Question

-a soldiers shoulder-
by what means, i'll never know the days idea,
or how the story came to unfold,
but this is one i must confess,
is a story to be told.
a single moment, a solitary soldier,
stood crossroad to my way.
standing in that moment, silent,
not knowing what to say.
all at once it was transparent,
let this soldier pass, he's earned it,
but "ladies first", he politely motioned,
for honor, he would not submit.
i bowed my head so graciously,
passed, then looked over my shoulder,
and saw the glory of my country,
in a single solitary soldier.
by what means, i'll never know my next persuasion,
but suddenly my steps reversed,
headed to what i did not know,
for surly this was not rehersed.
again, a single moment, a solitary soldier,
i stood standing in his way,
breathless in that moment, silent,
now knowing what to say.
as if the words had no retraint,
i simply mumbled "thank you",
confused he spoke, "for what?",
i whispered, "for doing what you do"

he bowed his head so graciously,
and took me by the shoulder,
and saw the glory from his country,
for a single solitary soldier.
by what means, i'll never know his next sentiment,
but i barely stood with weaken knee,
i cried on a soldiers shoulder,
while he wrapped his arms around me,
a single moment, a solitary instant,
we stood, standing in their way,
silent in those seconds,
needing nothing to say.
as we parted he touched my tears,
knowing neither would be the same,
i pray for him, always,
though i never knew his name.
we bowed our heads so graciously,
and turned eachothers shoulders,
remembering the glory of our country,
are single solitary soldiers.

Unpublished work © 2006 T. Martinez


-apprently some people think the critic can not critque for lack of skills.. so here's something of mine to prove you all wrong. i dedicate this to a soldier that passed me by, and changed a moment in my life, and the rest of my days to come. thank you!!

Answer 1

I think you've got a very, very good poem here. There are grammatical errors and a few unintentional malapropisms (possibly from spell checker not catching a spelling error). There are also a few beat errors, and of course, the ever present lower case "i"...which even in this poem, simply doesn't work...in fact, especially in this poem...where in order to show the height of the soldier, you need to reflect on your own self-worth. So please, use the upper case "I", which is the proper form of the personal pronoun. If you'd like to email me your entire poem, I'll point out all the spots in need of edit; your extensive lines don't fit into this section where I can comment on them all. However, here are some examples:

Capitalize the first word of each sentence at a minimum.
"day's", not "days"
You've turned crossroad into an adjective...clever, but it might be a little weak...I'll need more time to think about it.
"all at once it was transparent"...I know what you mean, but the use of transparent here is incorrect. "Apparent" is the right word for this sentence, but "transparent" is a better word, which means the thought needs to be revisited.
"in a single solitary soldier"...better if "in this solitary soldier" because as written you've basically said "little small" as single and solitary imply the same thing.
"persuasion" is a good word, but not the right word for this sentence.
"surely", not "surly" :)
"restraint", not "retraint"
"mumbled"? perhaps "whispered"
then instead of repeating "whispered", simply say "for doing what you do".

That's all I can see in this reply section. Again, feel free to send me the entire poem at [e-mail] for a more complete reply.

Your poem is well done, well thought out, and right on target.

...keep writing...you do it as well as you critique

Answer 2

Instead of proving your literary genius, this poem reveals a bit of weakness. It is merely a personal poem that will interest a few emotional readers but no one looking for good poetry. The meeting of a mannerly soldier is no more significant that the meeting of a polite carpet layer or a polite teacher, doctor, mechanic, or preacher. If this experience changed your life then you must be living in a small world with a small mind, and probably use the said mental powers to criticize the pathetic efforts of others. I have not seen any of your comments, but are they based on personal emotion or accurate assessment of skill?