My husband of 10 years, with whom i have 2 children, ignores my son of a previous marriage who lives with us. They dont speak at all and wont sit in the same room. Im torn between the 2. What do I do?
2007-09-15 07:50:17 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Simple, I would recommend going to see a family counselor. A counselor will know lot's of different techniques on bringing them two together, and will also make them sit in the same room together and talk it out. This could help them get to the root of the issue and help. If you have to trick them into it, than do so. It will be worth it. You should not have to choose between the two, try and sort it out. Be the problem solver, not a barrier. Even if it is unpleasant sometimes, it is the mother's job to keep a family together, especially when the men in the house aren't communicating. Good luck.
2007-09-15 07:55:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's really sad. I think a lot of it depends on the age of your son...because if he is just young, then why did your husband decide to not like your son. I agree with Dr. Phil on these stories where the young kids have no choice as to who is picked for their step father and then are expected by the Step parent to abide by their rules all of the sudden. It is too much for the kid...you know? That actually is true even if he is an older kid too...because he didn't choose this man. You see? I hope that sounds okay...I am not criticizing you in any way.
If the son is older...like the age of ohh...13, 14, where they are making a lot of decisions and are becoming pretty responsible....and let's just say, he is coming up with rude things to say to your husband, then he has some of the responsibility on him too. You know?
Talk to your husband, and talk to your son...separately. Find out what is going on and make your decision as to how much to get involved based on that. But I am telling you...if this is a small child, you should be very angry with your husband because he is the adult...and he should be doing everything he can to make things good between him and that child.
Good luck to you.
2007-09-15 08:20:59 · answer #2 · answered by ShineOn 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
REDFLAGS are going off inside me over this question For starters you and your son need to sit down alone and away from your husband....you need ask "What is going on??? " Assure your son he will NOT get into trouble if he tells you the truth......Remember this child is at the mercy and left alone with your second husband when you work or need someone to watch the kids....Your son may be too afraid to tell YOU the truth since your this second guys wife..Second you need to find a counselor your son is safe with to make sure other stuff he would NOT tell his mom isnt going on. When a child withdraws from a relationship something is definitely up...TRUST what your child says in confidence...As this issue unravels you will KNOW in your GUT as his mom what to do....
Good luck in your wise decisions to protect you child!!!!
2007-09-15 08:14:32 · answer #3 · answered by Dog Rescuer 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't say how old your son is, but i am tempted to ask who the adult is here! Your husband needs to grow up and behave like an adult, not only is he acting like a complete idiot,but he is also setting standards of behaviour to your 2 youngest children!If i were in your shoes i would get them both in the same room and have a serious talk with them about how this silly behaviour is affecting you, and how it could be affecting your other kids.Then get them to come to a compromise and try and alter how they are with each other.
2007-09-18 04:22:06 · answer #4 · answered by bevalou 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been married for 3 1/2 yrs, together 6 yrs. I have a daughter who is 11, and my husband and I have a son who is almost 2. Sometimes the tension between her & him is unbelieveable. I have sat them both down and told them both that when they do that it hurts me, that he is the adult and should act like one whether she is pushing his buttons or not, and that she is a child and needs to listen to what she is told, not do as she wishes. It is not fair that you should have to referee in your own home, and that you expect your son to behave, and set a good example for his siblings and sometimes that means being the bigger person. Same to your husband. Don't let them pull you in 2 directions, deal with this now, before he grows up and doesn't want to come and see you because of his relationship with his stepfather. Explain that one to your husband.
2007-09-15 08:06:02 · answer #5 · answered by Sun R 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
what is the reason which cause that may be its ur son or may be its ur husban .......offcourse u can easily talk to ur husband and make him care more but talkin to your son will depend on how much is ur relation close to each other and am telling u this is not health fr the whole family not just u i would suggest that you should try councelling all 3 on seperate bases fr each to talk freely and start solving the problem i guess this is deep talk to ur son and see how he feels about it and what is the problem and do it when ur husband is not at home and look like u care much like take a day off specially fr that take ur son outside and depending on his age treat him as an adult in case he was a teen take him like to dinner give him the money to pay make him feel that he is your man and at that point he will talk to u honestly and in case f your husband adult talk am sure will do
2007-09-15 08:11:37 · answer #6 · answered by mo_n_yo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you feel like you are at a point where you have to choose one or the other, it should be obvious which is more important. No one should come before your children - you shouldn't even have to think about it. Try and help them get along. But if it's so bad that they can't possibly do so, pick your son.
2007-09-15 07:56:44 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to explain a little more if you can.
Has it always been like this? When did it start? How old is your son?
I presume your son is a teen, or approaching his teens. They can be very sulky and maybe your son it displaying this attitude towards your husband because he wants to provoke him, and at the same time get your sympathy. Children of any
age can be manipulative.
Has your husband ever had the responsibility of disciplining your son as he grew up? And if so, did you give him your full backing in whatever he decided, or did you argue with him about it in front of your son?
I have been married for 11 years, and we have 7 children between us. One of these is my stepson, and we used to have a real problem while he was growing up with discipline. His biological mother used to let him get away with everything, and he became very defiant and manipulative, and whenever I disciplined him, my husband would never back me up. He would argue with me in front of him and my stepson soon learnt that what I said meant nothing, and that he would always get away with everything because he had the backing of his dad and biologial mother.
This caused real problems at times as he went out of his way to defy me at every opportunity - even though I was his main carer when he was here. Life with him was becoming intolerable, and it was affecting our other children. They were copying his attitude, and starting to answer me back and argue with me like he did. He would tell endless lies to all of us to get exactly what he wanted and whenever he hadn't been able to get away with it while he was with me, he would go home and tell his mom a pack of lies about me to get her sympathy, and she would complain to his dad about 'me'!
All this time he still got treated exactly the same as the other children, I bought all his clothes, his presents, took him to school and out on trips etc in the end I didn't see why i should do all this and then be continuously labelled the evil stepmother by everyone. I was soooo angry, that i would lie awake at night fuming. I avoided him as much as I could because I was sick of the smug looks he gave me knowing he could do whatever he wanted with no consequences.
In the end I gave him a long dose of tough love. (He had done something particularly bad that weekend to defy me and the stress was making me ill while I was pregnant)
I stopped doing 'ANYTHING' for him for several months. No trips, no new clothes, no favourite foods etc... and I refused to have him left in my care while his dad wasn't here. I had warned him before he did this 'thing' that there would be some serious consequences, so he understood what he was doing. He was 12 at the time. He realised straight away that I meant business, and although I didn't like treating him like this, I had tried every alternative.
It did work really well and I can honestly say that now we don't have any problems with his behaviour. (Although his bio mom does!)
2007-09-15 08:31:09 · answer #8 · answered by lilmissdisorganised 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you talk to your husband about this? Let him know how you feel hurt by his intentionally ignoring your son. Was it something one of them said? How long has this been going on? Hopefully once the air is cleared everyone can live in harmony. Good luck. Commmunication is the key.
2007-09-15 07:58:37 · answer #9 · answered by crazy4wordracer 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Did they ever speak before you got married, like when you were engaged?
Sometimes people don't get along.
I think the best thing you can do is have them bond, tell them to go to the movies, go to a concert, go out to eat, just have them do things ALONE together..without you or ur other kid.
Then you and the other kid can go do things the same day
then switch with the other kid back and forth u know?
2007-09-15 07:55:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋