We've been together for 4 years and we have a 2 year old together. We fight non-stop about finances and then branch off from there. The first year we were together it was all fun and let's party but now we have a family and he won't open his eyes to what is driving me away. When we argue he brings up everything, I mean everything. Things that aren't even related to the topic...then he'll mutter under his breathe little childish comments. He is really, really slow at his full time job and it looks as if it won't get better for a while so instead of looking for another full time job he gets a second job - wiating tables (which takes mroe time away from the family). I kept telling him to get another full time job...don't just keep getting more jobs to make up for the first and he tells me I'm not leaving that job because I'm comfortable. I dont' have time for childish crap...For 4 years he's been telling me that it'll get better, 4 years!!! When will it then if it hasn't yet?
2007-09-15 03:58:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How do I leave when I can't afford the area we live in. I can't quit my job because it's the perfect job for my life at this moment because I go to school full and watch my daughter full time and I get to bring her with me to work plus I make decent money if I'm splitting the rent! What should I do...It's getting to the point were I don't even get excited to go home from work to see him. At this moment I don't even want to be near him...I'm so confused. Is there someone I can talk to about this?
2007-09-15 04:01:15 · update #1
We've written out a budget, we've sat down and talked (lots of times). It's just that when we do talk he trails off and says such childish things - I feel that I am growing as a person and he is still stuck in being 18 or something. I tried changing myself for him (sex wise) and he STILL wasn't satisfied because I lapsed once!!! If I can changed for the benefit of him then he can change for the benefit of me!!! He said point blank last night that this is the path I chose and that is what I'm going to do....so he is trying to tell me it's his way or the highway...EEERRRR I'm so freaking mad.
2007-09-15 04:17:31 · update #2
Ok...I've been where you are, so this comes from first-hand experience...
You cannot change him. Not only that, but it's not your job to change him and furthermore, you don't even have the RIGHT to change him!
Once you memorize the above and feel it in your gut, then the rest will be easier.
Maybe you are growing more quickly than him. It does sound like you have your head on straight and that you are a hard worker. That is so respectful - working, being a mom, AND going to school. Whatever happens in the end, you will be more prepared than a woman who does nothing, yet whines about her situation.
All that aside, it sounds like he's shut you out b/c you are at him quite often about his job and what-not. Yeah; I can see how you might resent him and wish he'd help make things better cuz you're doing so much and trying so hard, but you can't keep 'carrying' him, no matter how much you still love him from the bottom of your heart.
If you have discussed your issues with him and he's done nothing to help change the situation, then you have a decision. After you realize you cannot FORCE him to do anything, then you'll see that you've done all you can with him - you've tried discussing it with him, you're working hard yourself, etc., etc. - so it will finally come down to a matter of values.
Values are things pple fail to discuss when they first get together. I believe it should be a LAW that any couple who dates for longer than 6 months must be required to discuss their values.
Because in the end, it's not about him not picking his dirty clothes up off of the floor or what kind of job he has and it's not about you nagging him about these things or whatever else your flaws are...it's about whether your relationship and lifestyle goes against your (and his) inner values. 'Deal breakers'.
Figure out what your inner vision of life should be like and sit down and ask him his. If your visions of the future don't match, then figure out if you can both compromise to make it so your love for one another will get you through the tough times. If not; then you best just move along, living lives that make you both happy.
Life's too short.
2007-09-15 04:41:15 · answer #1 · answered by lookinforanswers 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's a value trade... only you can decide if you want to put up with his "childish crap" or if you want to move out of the job/home/area you are in... You are expecting him to change to suit you... a bad proposition at best... either accept that this is who he is, or leave... but don't stay, making his life miserable... Make a choice - not to argue, not to fight about finances... as long as he is working, contributing to the household, what's the problem? "It'll get better" when you learn to accept the fact you can't change him... not everyone has the drive to compete with the neighbors! Sit down, write out a budget and stay inside it... fewer reasons to argue.
2007-09-15 11:11:23 · answer #2 · answered by halfthebottle 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think lookingforanswers is right. We all meet someone and things are great but then the real person comes out and they are not who we thought they were. By then you are in love and try to hang on to what we liked or try to change them into what we would like them to be. Another big problem is men don't change, we make small adjustments in life trying to make our partner happy. But if your trying to change a man into what you want.....it won't happen. Some people think they can change a man so they hang on and on and on!! Now women, a man married a woman thinking she won't change.....but she does. Not necessarily for the bad, but it can be for the bad too. I think we all need to communicate better and learn to make each other happy. If you and your partner really love each other then you both make sacrifices and change for the better. Going to counseling is a first step if they won't go to counseling for you then you have to question their love for you.
Hope things get better and sorry about you situation!!
2007-09-16 05:55:12 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Or you parents close to where you live ? If so maybe you can go there until everything works out with the 2 of you.Its sad to have to go through what you are going through.It seems a woman grows up mentally before a man does.Hope you make the right decission...
2007-09-15 11:13:24 · answer #4 · answered by lady bug 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, if he is happy with his work, that is the most important thing and you need to be supportive of his choices. Are you approaching him, to discuss how you feel, in a calm and loving way or are you approaching him with anger and blame and judgement? He will be defensive all the time if you start out with blame and such. Seems you want him to do things 'your way' but that might not be the right way for him. The muttering under his breathe shows me that he also needs to get his feelings out and talk to you about them. He is afraid to do so for some reason. Sit down with him, tell him it is time for you both to clear the air and discuss how you FEEL; not that either of you is right in how you feel, but it is the only truth you can relay to each other. When the blame and judgement is taken out of the equation, you will be able to talk about anything, without fear and come to a compromise that will work for both of you.
2007-09-15 11:09:14 · answer #5 · answered by pussycat 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Unfortunately,most marriages end due to financial reasons,you have to give it a time,these are the bumps on the road,you will go through them from time to time,you been married for only 4 yrs that is not enough time.Remember through good times and bad...Stand together and work them out..Seek COUNSELING,due whatever it takes to save this marriage..The out come will be much rosier at the other end.For you and your wonderful child. Believe.....
2007-09-15 11:23:21 · answer #6 · answered by evrcdalite 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Go to marriage counseling with or without him. You are frustrated that he won't do things your way and he probably feels the same about you. You two need the tools to fight fair and then you don't get off on other subjects and say silly things. Good luck.
2007-09-15 11:06:15 · answer #7 · answered by kitkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look at least he is working... you have to ask yourself if all the fighting is good for your child...?you sound like you hate this man...{men are just big boys} I think that you and him need to talk like adults and see if you are better off moving on and staying friends for your child....you both have to put 100% into your relationship to make things better....i think your hormones are out of wack...i would never call the one i love slow[like he is stupid]... so there it is......
2007-09-15 11:13:40 · answer #8 · answered by MJ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Couples counseling and financial counseling could be of benefit to both of you. If he refuses to go, then you go yourself so that you will learn how to take the necessary steps to protect you and your child. Financial problems are the number one cause of divorce/break downs, and yet..there is help out there learning how to deal with it.
All you have to do is make the call...
2007-09-15 11:14:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
me ive dealt with this for 35 years it is crap and no it never gets better my son has crohns we fight all the time about money and then it goes from there i hate it wish i could leave to but you cant unless you can support yourself look for a room mate an aptment i never got a job i always stayed home like a good mom leave him any way you can and good luck i know it is a real mess email me and we will talk
2007-09-15 11:10:37 · answer #10 · answered by pugs5678 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋