How do you know when a marriage really isn't worth the fight?

Question

Ok ok! we have not been married since i was 15 but together since i was 15. We got married two years ago when I was 20 and we have two beautiful girls, 3 and 1. He has another child outside and I only complain because I really never got a chance to find out any of my likes dislikes or anything. His parents spoiled him so bad that he doesn't know how to pay bills and I have always been independent to take care of my responsibilites. I have a great career as a training coordinator . he has a good job too, i am just a little confused about what really constitutes love and how if i thought i was in love to finally break it to him and myself that i may not be. If i bring things up, real issues or worries, he gets attitude and backfires with your not perfect either. his issues: not talking to me, staying out overnite, porno addict and drinking. I grew up and expected him to grow with me but he hasn't. I am so tired..........

Answer 1

Well, I definitely think there are some red flags when I read about his " issues ". You will continue to feel tired in this marriage unless there is some serious change. You're right -- you probably never had the opportunity to learn more about your likes/dislikes during those years. Those learning opportunities help shape and define you. But life will continue to be a learning experience. I most certainly do not encourage divorce but at the same time, if you feel tired now, imagine how you will feel with each passing day that nothing improves. In marriage, when you husband does not live up to his 50% of the relationship, you have to make up the difference ( and vice versa). So when he is only giving 30%, you must give 70%. It would be tolling to make up for his slack the majority of the time for years and years. As far as his maturity, he sounds as if he has a way to go. It has been my experience that when you have to wonder whether or not you are in love, than most likely you are not. There is something comforting in familiarity, even if the situation in far from ideal. He has been a very large part of your life. I mean, if you have been together since you were 15 and are 22 now, you have been with him for 7 years, which is slightly more than 1/3 of your life. My biggest concern for married people who question if they are in love or happy ( because, like I said, if you are confused or not sure, than you most likely are not) is over time, your children will pick up on that vibe. And all of his issues, if that's how he reacts to real issues and worries, understand that life will be full of these. So if he reacts that way, there will be more bad behavior in response. If you know in your heart of hearts that you are not and cannot be happy with this person, then you must be strong for yourself and your children. I hope you have a good support system as you are trying to make this decision. I think it's easy to live with contentment rather than pursue happiness. It may take years for you to find the right person, but because you will not be wasting your energy on him, you will have more for yourself and your girls. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

of course you may combat to your marriage... what the hell do you assume however?? virtually all women lose their libidos whilst they have a toddler! did no longer you comprehend that??? She's exhausted, no longer helped by your toddler having cancer of course!! (happy to pay attention he's fantastic!)... supply the girl a destroy! you're supposedly going to spend something of YOUR existence at the same time. you do no longer think of there are going to be undesirable weeks, undesirable months, and comprehensive undesirable years in that element?? Marriage isn't peaches and cream pal, especially once you have a youthful toddler, and particularly whilst that youthful toddler had cancer. recover from the intercourse element. it somewhat is all especially plenty favourite for women with babies! Too undesirable somebody did no longer inform you that in the time of the previous you had one! As for the apologizing element... why interior the F*CK did you marry her interior the 1st place in case you hate that plenty?! She's been a similar for the comprehensive 12 years, and you purely married her 2.5 years in the past!! human beings do no longer substitute. So settle for her as she is. that's what you married and made vows with. GEEEEZ! No ask your self the divorce fee is so extreme if human beings evaluate divorcing over what you purely defined. the place are a terrific variety of those fake expectancies approximately marriage coming from?? How's all and sundry advance into so egocentric and unrealistic approximately spending a existence TIME with somebody?? Oh, and BTW, it advance into fairly dumb of the two considered one of you to no longer talk what share youngsters you wanted in the previous you acquire married... or, in case you probably did and now you're changing your recommendations, then she is suited to tell you that she would bypass her separate way. Having a toddler would be fairly significant to human beings, especially women, and in case you will no longer supply her yet another one (somewhat in case you ever gave her the impact which you will have extra suitable than one toddler), then it somewhat is reason to truly be disappointed.

Answer 3

Did you enter into this marriage thinking you could change him? If so, that was a mistake. The fact that when you attempt to talk to him about your concerns, he answers back with accusations about you or puts it back on you, shows how irresponsible and immature he is. Are you talking to him or are you starting off by blaming him and saying words in anger? He may be reacting defensively because of how you approach him. He has to want to change; no one can make him do so. Try talking to him in a calm, caring way, without blame or judgement; tell him this is how you are feeling and you can't help how you feel; that if you can't talk to him about your feelings, who does he wish you to discuss it with - some other man? Perhaps this approach may work better than accusations and blame right off the bat. Good luck to you

Answer 4

Love and communication keep a marriage strong. An unhealthy relationship has lack of cooperation, communication, respect and lacks compliments.
You were very young when you married, with little life experiences. Everybody makes mistakes, but everybody does not have the courage to admit it to themselves and one other person.
When you admit you made a mistake you now become your teacher.

Answer 5

When you've given it all you have, and tried everything within your power to make it work, and it still doesn't help, then maybe it's time to call it quits. You never want to look back and say "well maybe i could have tried harder" or "If only i'd tried to talk to him or tried to get him to counselling". If your best isn't good enough to make it work, your done. Also it is unacceptable for a spouse to stay gone over nite, unless it's something special that the two of you have spoken about previously.

Answer 6

You just need to give it time. You are 20 and grown mentally, but he is not there yet. At the same time the addictions have to stop for more reasons than just you. For himself first, then you and the kids. I grew up in a family similier at times and I remember it all.

Answer 7

A marriage isn't really worth the fight when one or both die. You can stay married and not fight for it though by having mutual understanding which may include living separately.

Answer 8

Well if we look to the Bible for insight into this question IMHO it says to to avoid divorce at all cost. It was considered in ancient Israel a serious sin to seperate form someone who you have been married to. Unless the person has commited fornication you have no grounds for divorcing them, assuming you believe in Jesus Christ and you think there is a loving caring God who is looking out for your best interests. Who's to say God didn't put you to together for a reason.

You need to help your husband get away from his desire to sin that keeps landing him in jail. You can't scream at him and expect him to learn, all you can do is lead him by example (by you doing whats right) and not contribute to his sinning by supporting him in it.

Joh 4:10 Jesus replied to her, "If you only knew what God's gift is and who is asking you for a drink, you would have asked him for a drink. He would have given you living water."
Joh 4:11 The woman said to him, "Sir, you don't have anything to use to get water, and the well is deep. So where are you going to get this living water?
Joh 4:12 You're not more important than our ancestor Jacob, are you? He gave us this well. He and his sons and his animals drank water from it."
Joh 4:13 Jesus answered her, "Everyone who drinks this water will become thirsty again.
Joh 4:14 But those who drink the water that I will give them will never become thirsty again. In fact, the water I will give them will become in them a spring that gushes up to eternal life."
Joh 4:15 The woman told Jesus, "Sir, give me this water! Then I won't get thirsty or have to come here to get water."
Joh 4:16 Jesus told her, "Go to your husband, and bring him here."
Joh 4:17 The woman replied, "I don't have a husband." Jesus told her, "You're right when you say that you don't have a husband.
Joh 4:18 You've had five husbands, and the man you have now isn't your husband. You've told the truth."
Joh 4:19 The woman said to Jesus, "I see that you're a prophet!

Mal 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel. "I hate the person who covers himself with violence," says the LORD of Armies. "Be careful not to be unfaithful."

Mat 19:3 Some Pharisees came to test him. They asked, "Can a man divorce his wife for any reason?"
Mat 19:4 Jesus answered, "Haven't you read that the Creator made them male and female in the beginning
Mat 19:5 and that he said, 'That's why a man will leave his father and mother and will remain united with his wife, and the two will be one'?
Mat 19:6 So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, don't let anyone separate what God has joined together."
Mat 19:7 The Pharisees asked him, "Why, then, did Moses order a man to give his wife a written notice to divorce her?"
Mat 19:8 Jesus answered them, "Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because you're heartless. It was never this way in the beginning.
Mat 19:9 I can guarantee that whoever divorces his wife for any reason other than her unfaithfulness is committing adultery if he marries another woman."
Mat 19:10 The disciples said to him, "If that is the only reason a man can use to divorce his wife, it's better not to get married."
Mat 19:11 He answered them, "Not everyone can do what you suggest. Only those who have that gift can.


1Co 7:9 However, if you cannot control your desires, you should get married. It is better for you to marry than to burn with sexual desire.
1Co 7:10 I pass this command along (not really I, but the Lord): A wife shouldn't leave her husband.
1Co 7:11 If she does, she should stay single or make up with her husband. Likewise, a husband should not divorce his wife.
1Co 7:12 I (not the Lord) say to the rest of you: If any Christian man is married to a woman who is an unbeliever, and she is willing to live with him, he should not divorce her.
1Co 7:13 If any Christian woman is married to a man who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to live with her, she should not divorce her husband.

Answer 9

YOU are responsible for your own happiness if you look to others you are liable to get dissappointed and lifes too short get out while you can and experience freedom from daily upsets!

Answer 10

You need to get out fast if he can't lessen some of these habits women usually grow up before men