It's been 8 days since I filed for divorce, but then my husband astounded me by quitting drinking. He was never abusive. We actually had a great relationship when he wasn't drinking. I mostly couldn't stand that I couldn't have a decent conversation with him, that he seemed to be getting more and more depressed, and that I couldn't rely on him to be sober (to drive, to come with me to a public place, etc.). I filed for divorce last Friday, but when he poured all his beer out and said that he'd quit for me, I stopped the divorce. He has never said he'd quit in our 14 years together and all of my begging. I really think that he does want to succeed, but I have my doubts since he refuses to go to AA or counseling. Is it possible for an alcoholic to quit successfully on their own?
2007-09-15 01:30:54 · 12 answers · asked by ? 6 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I DO support him in his efforts, but if I bring it up at all, he frowns and tells me to quit reminding him about it. I wanted to celebrate the 1-week milestone, but he did not. I respected that and backed off. I'm afraid of the fact that he quit for ME -- that I'm his only reason. I'm also afraid that the other issues we've had will be ignored while he is recovering. I think our relationship is worth saving, and I really want it to work, but other than quitting drinking for me, nothing else has changed. There's very little affection, he's not a very considerate person, and he's been unemployed for a year on Sept 26th. I want it to work, but I'm really afraid that it won't.
2007-09-15 07:28:25 · update #1
80% of all those who quit do it without any treatment!
Society has been brainwashed into believing that a person cannot quit on their own, that stopping requires a group. The ONLY way a person quits is when they decide to quit and give themselves reasons to stay stopped. Often they join a group and then give that group credit.
To hear some people talk of it, one would think that before AA, everyone who had a problem ended up in jails or institutions and finally dead because stopping without AA is impossible.
"There is a high rate of recovery among alcoholics and addicts, treated and untreated. According to one estimate, heroin addicts break the habit in an average of 11 years. Another estimate is that at least 50% of alcoholics eventually free themselves although only 10% are ever treated. One recent study found that 80% of all alcoholics who recover for a year or more do so on their own, some after being unsuccessfully treated. When a group of these self-treated alcoholics was interviewed, 57% said they simply decided that alcohol was bad for them. Twenty-nine percent said health problems, frightening experiences, accidents, or blackouts persuaded them to quit. Others used such phrases as "Things were building up" or "I was sick and tired of it." Support from a husband or wife was important in sustaining the resolution
Treatment of Drug Abuse and Addiction -- Part III, The Harvard Mental Health Letter, October 1995.
2007-09-15 05:15:21 · answer #1 · answered by raysny 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋
The first question is, why don't you want to use AA? If it's because you want to keep your alcoholism a secret and recover without anyone knowing there was a problem, forget it. That's an impossible dream. If you don't want to go to AA because you don't like the spiritual component, that is understandable. The reason AA works is not becuase there is a magical higher power that will cure your addiction. It is because you need to give up control to get control. That's a difficult concept to understand, so relying on a higher power is a way of doing that. There are other organizations, like Rational Recovery that are not spiritual. They are not widespread like AA. If you live in a major city, you can probably find an AA alternative, but otherwise that is probably your only option.
2016-03-18 06:22:34 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Definitely!
One has to have the motivation to quit before actually being able to do so. It sounds like keeping the marriage intact was more important than his drinking.
When counseling my clients for addiction I look for 2 things...
Importance - how important is it for you to quit drinking or using drugs on a scale 1-10.
Confidence - how confident are you that if you wanted to quit that you could on a scale 1-10.
If it is important enough and if they have enough confidence, then they are more likely to maintain their sobriety.
Also, AA and NA are not the only way. Millions of people have quit on their own just because their doctor said, "If you continue to drink, you will be dead."
Check out Rational Recovery. He may find it useful as it is directed towards those who do not wish to be a part of the support group movement.
2007-09-15 02:31:29 · answer #3 · answered by eersnherd 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Most definately.
I suggest you have a frank talk with your husband, listing out every item you find unacceptable. Tell him if he is willing to change each and every item, you'll allow him in your life again.
That he quit drinking is evidence that he really wants you.
Jail time causes some men to stop drinking, and so does a life-loss or shock, which your filing for divorce apparently has done.
Salvage the relationship if he is willing to work hard.
The reason I say this is because the same thing happened to a close friend of mine, and they survived, and now have a strong marriage and family.
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2007-09-15 01:46:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
Sure it is and it would be some easier if you support him in his efforts now that you have have his attention, and he has the motivation. Now isn't the time for you to load him up with a lot more conditions as one of the other answers would suggest. He has enough on his plate for now.
Evidently there is a reason that your husband doesn't want to attend AA, but you could help him if you knew what to do and or what to expect. You might check out Al-anon, and attend one of their meetings in your area. I'm sure the people there could offer some very helpful input. ...Good Luck to you and yours...
2007-09-15 02:14:00 · answer #5 · answered by Ret68 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely.
In fact, unless he decides that he wants to quit, no program could help him.
Certainly there are tools available that could be a benefit to him. And perhaps down the road he might consider them. But AA is not for everyone.
I know of quite a few alcoholics that sobered up on their own. A lot depends on his desire for change. And you can't do it for him.
2007-09-15 01:58:47 · answer #6 · answered by hypno_toad1 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Is it possible? Yes!
Is it likely in this case? No!
Why? Because he is not quitting because he wants to, but because he is trying to avoid an unpleasant situation.
Give it a year or three before trying to resolve anything and see if he's still sober.
Additional: My resolving anything I meant diceiding whether or not the relationship is worth saving. Defientely let him know he is on probation.
You might also get copy of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, (available at most AA meetings), and read the chapter "To Wives."
2007-09-15 07:22:12 · answer #7 · answered by Jim E 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think so. I'm one that's trying. So far ..so good. I agree with you husband...I refuse those counseling techniques also. What can I learn from those that keep repeating? When I get home from work...instead of fixing a drink as the first thing...I read the newspaper. I used to read it in the morning. Now I save it for after work. While I'm reading the paper I'm also thinking about dinner. To me...staying occupied keeps me from drinking. Sounds boring...but it keeps me sober.
2007-09-15 02:02:10 · answer #8 · answered by chilicooker_mkb 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sure, it happens all the time.
However, there are also times that it doesn't happen . . . many people simply find it impossible to quit without help. I was one of those people. I could stay sober for short periods of time without help, but after a few months I'd decide I was okay again, and I'd drink, and soon I'd be back where I started or worse. I strongly resisted the idea of AA. I figured it was full of low-life losers, and I didn't want to be one of those people. Finally once things got bad enough I did join AA; it was the only option left for me, really. I've been sober for 9 years--and I love the program now. It's not full of losers. It's full of winners.
Anyway, your husband may or may not get sober without AA. Whether or not he does you may want to go to Al-Anon for yourself!
2007-09-15 04:17:29 · answer #9 · answered by Helen W. 7 · 4⤊ 2⤋
Doubtful. You could give him some time maybe, a couple of months and just see but he really needs support and to get to the root of why he's drinking and so forth.
I question why someone in a happy relationship would feel the need to drink unless he has other issues and if he does then he needs to get them sorted.
And, I think you really need to maybe get marriage counselling and go to support him through some of his counselling. And then you'll find out whether the marriage is really worth hanging onto. And if he refuses then you're probably just going to go through the same problems again and again until you get so tired of it, you'll just end up divorcing him.
Good luck though, I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.
2007-09-15 01:48:39 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 3⤋