I have been going through a really rough time since my husband abandoned me and my three children. I went to counseling and learned about my codependant behaviors and why I am still holding on. Anyone out there have any advice on this topic?
2007-09-14 18:08:31 · 7 answers · asked by danaispeace 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Codependence is a big part of relationships where addiction is involved. You don't mention if there was an issue with your husband, but if there was I would strongly recommend Alanon. Even if you are no longer together, the fall out from your relationship will color how you think and feel for a long time to come. And if you don't learn how to change your behaviors from being codependent to independent, you will end up in another relationship that is the same as the one you had.
It is a hard thing to do. We think we are nurturing or helping the ones we love and also that they are the reason we are so miserable when in actuality we are aiding them to continue their unacceptable behavior and using it as an excuse to feel bad about ourselves or our lives.
I wish there was an easy fix! Or a book or a quote or a magic wand that makes it all easy to understand and has the exact steps you need to follow to have a healthy and normal life.
Keep talking to your counsellor! Read whatever you can get your hands on about tough love, codependence, saying no!, healthy anger and daily spiritual guidance to uplift your spirit.
I don't know your religous beliefs, but I found it helped to pray for the person that hurt me. To pray that they found a healthy way to live and tamed their demons so the parts that were loveable could emerge and take hold.
We hold on for many reasons! Love, fear of change-sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, comfort with the life you know, unreasonable hope that they will change (so you don't have to), belief that you caused some of the problems or illness- and that is what addiction is- an illness, a disease. Could you cause someone to have diabetes or cancer?
Learn about you. What you need to survive, how you want to live your life, how you want your children to be raised. What are your beliefs? What did you used to see as unacceptable behavior? What makes you smile, brings you joy? Work on holding yourself to an internal standard of joyful, acceptable and productive living and you will be able to say NO to whomever threatens that standard!
God be with you and I hope you are soon smiling more than frowning!
2007-09-14 18:42:42 · answer #1 · answered by dizzkat 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yes. Read up on the web about it. There is someone or an event in your past that has possibly left you with a subconscious need, and you seek to fill it with a person who is reminiscent from that time. Whether it was a parent or someone you wanted love from, and they didn't give it to you, you may have never filled that void. Sometimes codependency can blind you or make you unable to avoid situations that you know you shouldn't be in, because the need is so strong. This is the nutshell version, please read up on it wherever you can.
I got incredible advice from message boards. Mainly, passiveaggressive slash homestead dot com. And a msg board on MSN about narcissistic abuse.
2007-09-15 01:30:18 · answer #2 · answered by Ade 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hey, i understand what ur going thru.. and it ain't pretty.. i no.. been there once upon a time..
the best advise i can give u is..
keep going to counseling.. or get into a support group.. i will tell u now.. u will become a bit more depressed learning about ur self..
but u have to keep going..
we learn things about ours selves we do not like.. and it hurts..
but u have too keep going..
it is like going threw a transformation..
u go in one person.. and u come out on the other side.. another person... and it is ALL FOR THE GOOD...
but it takes time.. and u will be so strong. and u will build ur self esteem up.. just knowing the facts..
i will hold on to him for a long time.. .. u didn't start loving him overnight.. and the thoughts and memories will not go away for a while..
u have to keep moving forward.. as hard as it is..
having contact with him.. will only MAKE IT HARDER TO LET GO..
good luck.. and stay strong for ur kids..
2007-09-15 01:26:49 · answer #3 · answered by ♥ Blondie ♥ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all you say your husband "abandoned" you and your children which is speaking from a victim standpoint it's important that you realize and BELIEVE that you are not a victim ... YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!
http://www.amazon.com/Bondage-Bonding-Escaping-Codependency-Embracing/dp/0891096205
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/102-5919891-0617753?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=codependency&Go.x=11&Go.y=12&Go=Go
2007-09-15 01:27:53 · answer #4 · answered by maryv2013 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a book somewhere in my house on codependency called...Codependent No More.....not sure who the author is....think it is a good book.
2007-09-15 01:11:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is easy to be lonely for any one but the next guy you meet you should get to know well and even have the kids pick him out, or it can turn into an intense situation.
2007-09-15 01:14:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Learn to be alone and like you. It is nice to be with someone, but if you can't even stand to spend time with you how can you expect others to? Let go, pray find outside interest besides kid's. It isn't easy, but it is possible
2007-09-15 01:13:37 · answer #7 · answered by reggie29 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋