how this poem? warning not for every one?

Question

im going to let you know before hand this might be offensive
any way my friend said when he read sum of my stuff that he didn't think it was mine so i wrote this infront of him in a few mins i like it wasn't supposed to be much but it turned out ok i think

GUNNA HAVE A FEW DRINKS & I GOT THEM 1"S N MY POCKET
HOPIN TO C HUNNIES SO FINE MY EYES START BUGGIN OUTTA SOCKET

DONT GOTTA WORRY BOUT DRINKS GETTIN SPILT ON THE STAGE
MY BOY RYAN USED TO DO THAT, SINCE THEN WELL HIS BEEN CAGED

THIS TIME ITS ME AND "JORGE" JUS CHILLIN IN THE COUCH
U KNOW HOW WE DO, WE GOT A PIMP *** SLOUTCH

I WANA C THESE GIRLS SHAKE N SO MANY WAYZ
BUT I GOTTA BE PATIENT, HAHA MONEY IS TIGHT THESE DAYZ

BY NOW IVE SCOPED THE PLACE AND I THINK ITS KINDA WHACK
HEY SHAUN! LOOK AT THAT GIRL..... DAMN "JORGE" I TAKE THAT BACK!

SHE'S BOUT 5'5 AND THICK AS CAN BE
PARDON ME BUT SWEETIE WOULD U MARRY ME?

IMA GIVE U A 20 AND WHATCH U LEAD THE WAY
IMA KEEP IT REAL I BEEN THINKN BOUT THIS ALL DAY!

BOUT 200 DOLLARS LATER I THNK ITS TIME TO GO
U NO WHAT IM SAYIN "JORGE" I AINT GOT NO MORE DOUGH

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY REQUEST, CASUE U KNOW HOW I DO
HEY BRO DID THINK I WOULDNT DO IT? U SHOULD KNOW ILL COME THREW

THIS IS PACKED W/ A NORMAL STORY AND SUM RYHMES THAT AT TIMES WERE TIGHT

WHEN IN-FACT IT PROLLY REMINDS U OF A MOVIE UD SEE ON A FRIDAY NITE

DONT GET ME WRONG SOME OF THE NAMES AND THE STORY IS A LIL BIT STRETCHED
BUT W/ THE LIFE I LEAD ITS STILL NEVER THAT FAR FETCHED

NOW GO BACK AND READ THIS AGAIN, AND LET IT FLOW LIKE A ROCKET
WHILE U DO THAT IM CHILL AND HAVE A DRINK EVEN W/ NO MONEY N MY POCKET

hello what is the first thing it says not for every one im well aware of whats in it its not about flowers or ur first date
im 24 yrs old i wrote this for my friend i wrote sumthing that would catch his ear and his attention i write down to earth normal "non-offensively" almost all the time but to show him it was mine not sum one else writing i did that for him
so with that being said u can still leave ur opinion that it is garbage but remember i put in there its not for every one and im not pretending to write a love story its just a short haha funny ryhme for my friend ok thanks =)

Answer 1

Sounds like something that belongs on a public washroom wall. Or in the toilet.

Answer 2

How long did it take you to jot that down?
Here is the deal. I am an artist and more than that a country boy and country music lover but I am not close minded and ignorant. I happen to think Tupac although not my cup of tea was pretty brilliant.
Keep a few things in mind. This sounds like a rap to me and if you are talented enough to free-style that or come up with it quickly then it's not half bad. It has a nice meter (look that up as a poetry term, it will teach you something). Your rhyme flows nicely just remember this. I am not opposed to what some might think is offensive language but don't just stick it in there to try for shock effect. If it's got a place use it if not, don't use it just for the pure fact that you wanna spew nastiness. #2) If you can free style but you are from the smallest town in Montana, don't try and sing about your gat, the dope you were slingin' and how hard your life is. When you try to pretend to be a thug or anything else for that matter it is very obvious to people. Find a beat about what you know, what you have lived and if it's believable people will see that and appreciate it. If this is your thing, go for it without worry of those who criticize so they feel powerful. Take advice, examine it and use pull what you can from it to help you and let the rest roll off your back.
I hope this helped you.

Answer 3

It's absolute tripe. Trash. Garbage, refuse, excrement, and every other quasi-polite way of telling somebody that their work sucks.

In other words, it's just begging to be snatched up by those big time MTV execs, to be set to a cookie-cutter video and generically packaged just like the last thousand or so hip hop/rap albums.

Answer 4

Tha's not poetry, yohe...it is another recycled rap song.

Spell, use proper poetry grammar structure and a thesaurus for some rhymes...oh, and put the turntable away.

Then, you will be closer to actual poetry

Answer 5

(as in an OLD tune:) Just a rappin' away, havin' your day ... my, my, my...! 'Twas okay with no rewrite. You're right about some of the rhymes being tight, those were good.

Answer 6

interestingly u enjoyed this individual I fee it Ummm..... sturdy! yet think of of the sturdy issues and DONT think of of relationships Have some fn ! and construct A BRIDGE AND recover from IT!Geeze