my dad died in '04 and except in the funeral, i have denied to go to his grave. I want your opinion...?

Question

well, he died of cancer and it was September like these days and it happened in 22 days, it had the kind that expands really rapidly, and it was quite a shock to me. So apart from the funeral, I never have been in his grave, I guess I denied the fact he's dead and secretly telling myself 'he's in a trip'. Sometimes he was really mean spirited and abusive verbally and physically but the last month before he was diagnosed, we spent a month together in the summer and we have worked out our issues and I realized how much he meant to me. There are times i really miss him and have these dreams that nothing has changed but when I wake up, everything is changed. For the first time I want to go to his grave, but I'm afraid I will be shattered. I tried to be strong for so long. Seems now I have to let go and accept that void. I wish i knew what to do. I am afraid that if I go there again all my anger about the past will surface again and my anger that he died so quickly. it's strange...

Answer 1

No, hon, it's not strange at all, it's perfectly normal.

My dad died of cancer when I was 15 and I was *totally* unprepared for it, even though our whole family KNEW he had cancer and was in the hospital dying.

Everything you are feeling...the anger, the love, the hatred for making you feel less than what you are...this is all NORMAL.

Even not going to his grave is normal. You're scared that if you go, you will finally have to accept that whatever was between you and him is gone for you and you can never "right whatever was wrong" between you....that is the void you fear.

My advice is to go there...by yourself...take the time to look at the gravesite...if there's a stone/marker, read it. Then...talk to your dad. I know it's just a piece of ground. I know it's just a marker there. I know that his spirit is not there. But, trust me...your dad will hear you...and eventually, you WILL find the closure you're seeking and the peace of mind you need to let go and love your dad for the good he *did* have in him...and for being your dad.

God bless and keep you and may you find the peace of mind and heart you are seeking.

Answer 2

What you're going through is normal. There are many stages to dealing with loss. A death of a parent is a major life change, so it's only natural that there is some disbelief. Also because it happened so quickly, it's hard to change things in your mind that fast and "get used" to the idea that he's gone.

I went through a very similar time when my dad was murdered about 14 years ago. We didn't have a very good relationship either, but it all happened so quickly that it was hard for my mind to grasp it...it was very surreal. I was pretty young and it left a lot of unanswered questions and guilt. There was enough drama to go with the whole situation (pending divorce, a pregnant girlfriend, blah blah blah) that it sounded like a movie written for Lifetime. All that added, I was very angry with him and pretty bitter for a long time. My anger has faded a little with time.

I have only been back to his grave once since the funeral. I went on the 10 year anniversary. It really didn't help or hurt me. I felt like nobody was there anyway and if my dad is anywhere, he's with me and in my thoughts. I don't think it's bad that you haven't been there at all. Cemetaries and funerals provide closure for some people, but not everyone.

Your feelings are normal and you're allowed to feel that way. Sometimes you don't even want to think about it because you don't feel like getting yourself upset. You'll have good days and bad days; some things will bring it all back. You'll work through it in your own time, at your own pace. It helps to have good friends and close family (and maybe a shrink :} ) who are understanding and will let you rant, rave, cry and meltdown on those bad days. Because it happened so quickly, it takes a lot of time to piece your thoughts and feelings together and to work out that feeling that someone "pulled the rug out from under you."

My condolences and I wish you the best.

Answer 3

Well, maybe go to his grave when it is pretty deserted. You are holding on to too many feelings and you need some kind of closure. Going to his grave may give you that, and if you break down or get angry or whatever emotion flows from you then it will kinda be a relief. You are holding onto too much. You have to find a way to let your grief/anger out. If it is all too much for you, maybe take a good, caring friend with you if you feel you will fall apart totally.....at least have that friend drive you there, even if he/she waits in the car while you attend your dad's grave, at least someone will be there to pick up the pieces afterwards. You need closure....I hope you get it.

Answer 4

I am sorry for your lost. It is normal to have mixed feelings about the death of a parent. Specially if he wasn't the kind of father that you would have wanted him to be. It was great that you were able to be with him that summer, because you have all those good memories. It was also good that you were able to talk about the past. I am going to give you some advise. Go to the grave, and even if it brigs bad memories, its going to help you to get some closure. Its okay to feel angry about the fact that he died so quickly. You need to grief, and you need to let everything out, it will help you a great deal. You have to forgive him for all the bad things, and try to remember the good times. You were given an amazing opportunity to spend a month with him. You have to come to terms with your lost, do not pretend he's on a trip. That would only aggravate your situation. You need to find someone who you could open up to and let everything out. Go to his grave and talk to him like if he was there. Tell him how you feel. Have you tried to look for God for comfort? It would help you. It is going to take time to heal, but in the end you'll learn to keep his memory alive without having mixed feelings. I wish you the best.

Answer 5

Grieving is a process; an odyssey that is unique to each person, and a coursing of emotional current that can be channeled to some extent, but which is best left to flow where it will, unimpeded. It is likely many latent issues will surface for you as you navigate a river of feelings, but you can take comfort in knowing that wherever it may lead you, there is emotional well-being at the end. In some ways it sounds like you fear what you might find, and you're wanting to avoid the experience because it may be unpleasant or it may take you into territory you don't want to visit. The fact of the matter is, anything you confront while in the midst of this process was already there anyway, and its surfacing at this juncture is a natural (albeit subconscious) device to help you heal. Try not to run from your feelings. True, many are unpleasant, but they all exist to serve you.

Answer 6

S.K.
I really understand how you feel. My mother was diagnosed w/cancer and passed away two DAY'S later! I think I was in shock for several months after wards.
I went back home for her funeral and haven't been home again since. She chose to be cremated and her ashes are in an urn on a mantle above the fireplace. That was almost 12 years ago!
I've come to grips with it and realize that she's in a much better place. I loved my mother dearly!!!!
I wish you the best with his dilemma!You've got to do what's best for YOU and, sometimes were not really sure just what that is until it's done!
Take care and May God bless you!

Answer 7

I so understand as I lost my father too....10 yrs ago. There is a void there for me as well and I wasn't real close with him.

I think that if you choose to go, and the anger returns, you need to see it as something that needed to be dealt with a long time ago anyway. Otherwise, you are simply choosing to bury it...it doesn't make it any less true to bury it though, does it? Keep that in mind when you go.

If you feel you are not ready to go yet, then he is with you everywhere anyway...not just at the cemetary. ( Hope that sounded respectful as I mean well.)

I would suggest that you write about your feelings. Better yet, step outside where it is just you and no one else and talk to him as if he were there. Sound a little looney? Oh no...it is very healing. You need to get those feelings out hon. I personally believe he can hear you( not sure on what your beliefs are). Good luck and I hope I haven't crept you out, lol. I simply know that repressing pain, only makes it worse in the end.

Answer 8

I know what you mean. Death can be so surreal.

I'm REALLY happy that you were able to make peace with each other. That undoubtedly made it harder on you to lose him, but it was so necessary to remember him in a better way.

We all have to evaluate losses that we suffer in the privacy of our own thoughts ------ feelings. No one can know exactly how these things impact us. We all know it hurts to lose a loved one, but the ways we feel that loss are all different.

Life is this way miss. Life can and is often terribly harsh....and cold....and terrible. There are people that suffer loss after loss in their life and somehow they manage to keep a smile on their face. I know a few folks like this, and I am thankful I know them because they help me keep in check the losses I suffer in comparison. When I feel like whining, I remind myself.....

Anyway....you feel what you feel. You know he is gone and will never return. This is how things go sweety. You cannot change it. It hurts, it may *always* hurt, BUT...you will know that the time you and he spent together erased all the evil he did in your life. Hopefully you will remember only the good things.

Let go of the anger....and pleeeeeeease don't take it out on anyone else. I was on the receiving end of this twice before and it did nothing of any worth at all except to give grief and pain to everyone involved. Just try and deal with it and allow the 'reality' of it to settle within you as you are ready.

You never really have to let go. You will always have memories. Just be thankful for the goodness you shared......when you are ready, put a sign-post in your life at this point, move on with things and allow yourself to be happy, and enjoy the life that YOU have to live.

It's ok to cry and be in pain...and it's ok to grieve. Let yourself have this. Everything WILL be ok.

hug

:)

Answer 9

I think you want to go, you are just afraid. Regarding the remembering the bad times and the abuse, you probably will remember these whether you go to the grave or not. What you need to remember is that you were able to come to peace with it, that you were able to talk with him and solve those issues. Everytime the bad tries to occupy your mind, replace it right away with the good memories you have of him. I miss both my grandparents (they raised me while my parents worked). Believe me, my grandmother was old school regarding discipline, and even still, I try not to remember those bad moments that she would hit me. I always try to remember the good times, for example, the times she prepared my favorite meal even if it meant cooking two completely different meals, one for me and another for my grandfather or the rest of the family.

You say that you were able to work out the problems you both had and that you realized how much he meant to you, how about how much he means (present tense) to you. His body might be dead and gone, but the memories and the last weeks or months you spent with him are still with you.

You wonder about going to the grave and break down crying and experience all those strong emotions; what is wrong with that? Maybe that is what you need to completely come to peace with the whole thing. When you go, try to go on a day that there will not be that many people there, so you can be left alone and feel more relaxed. Think of it as going to visit him and if it helps bring a picture of him and put it in front of you when you talk to him.

When you dream about him and then wake up, don't think about it in a negative way, say: thank you dad for coming to visit. Or when you go to sleep at night or go out "tell him" to take care of you, he is probably looking after you anyway.

My advise to you is to go to the cementery because you obviously want to go. Whether it is now or when you feel more ready, but go.

Good luck.


By the way, have you seen the movie "Angel Eyes" with J.Lo and James Caviezel? There is a similar situation in the movie. (it was on cable last night). You might want to watch it and see if it helps.

Answer 10

You're going through a normal, natural grieving process, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. We all go through it over losing loved ones. You talk of dreams with him. I wonder what is your belief system? I believe the dreams are real, just a different level of being. I believe that although the body dies, Soul goes on, and comes back.. karma, reincarnation. What do you think? It might be a good time to look at your beliefs and find out if they are working for you, or if it's time to seek out Higher truths. Both my parents have passed, and yes, I miss them very much. But it helps me to know that they still live and love.