Ettiquette with transgender person M2F...?

Question

Good friends w/ person well into process of M to F, and her wife and kids. First experience with such a situation.

Any advice about how to treat her, conversation to avoid, etc.? Taking her to symphony tomorrow, wife next week. They can't both go at the same time because none of us can afford child care for 3 girls under age 6.

Thanks for the help.

Forgot to say, I never knew her as a man.

Answer 1

Then simply treat her as the woman she is.

I would not bring up the surgery unless she does. To some it is private and to others it is not. If she is open to discussing it, I am sure she will give you a clue.

Answer 2

It really depends on the people involved, what makes this question difficult is the label and description, you’re not really talking about a transsexual but rather some sort of transgender. The main issue, that while a transsexual woman is and always has been a woman.. A male transgender who takes on the appearance of a female is not likely going be able to fulfill the emotional response of a woman. If the so called lesbian is simply attracted to physical aspects of an individual looking like a female, but usually that type of a relationship is purely physical with no actual relationship.

Answer 3

You treat her just as you would any other Lady (or Gentleman, depending or where she is in the transition). I would hold the door open, get her coat etc.... unless she looks as if she doesn't appreciate those types of manners.
You need not avoid any conversations -- outside of the obvious " So, Susan what made you decide to become a woman?" in a loud voice at the restaurant -- except what you both are uncomfortable with.
Just treat her the same as you always have done, politely and friendly. You're just going out in public.
Good luck, Dearest.

Answer 4

I would say treat her like you would any other woman. Always refer to her as she/her (I think you have that down anyway). It doesn't mean you have to act like the stereotypical 'gentleman', but you shouldn't really treat it like a day out with guy friends.

The conversation I think you should avoid would be talking/asking about how she "used to be" that often comes across as offensive, as many transpeople (including myself) have always considered themselves to be their current gender. Don't be too afraid to ask questions if you have them though. Some transwomen like settling any possible questions you may have early on to avoid any difficulties later.

Answer 5

I guess just act like the person's going through any major life change--be honest and sensitive, but if something's really making you curious or uncomfortable or whatever, ask.

Being supportive doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells. It's a big change...if your friend seems to want to talk about it, then talk.

But if she just wants to talk about other stuff and keep things more private, try to respect that.

Answer 6

You should treat her as the friend she is; it doesn't change along with reassignment of gender.
Imagine how you would feel if a longtime friend started treating you differently for whatever reason. I know I wouldn't want to be treated any differently. Likewise, no topic would be off limits, either.

Answer 7

Just treat her as would any other woman that you are spending the evening with. If she is living stelth you won't want to ask her questions that would out her to any one near by that may over hear you. If you would hold the door for another woman hold the door for her. Just be yourself and let her be herself and enjoy the evening.

Answer 8

Treat a transgender person -- particularly in the case of a crossdresser -- first as a human being...

Then realize that their brain is different...what you are seeing is the expression of their inner being, a female or a male brain despite outer looks and birth sex...it is a mind that self differentiates and determines what that person wants to ultimately be, male or female...

Therefore, respect their choice to define who they really are and address them appropriately with pronouns dependent solely upon their looks. If you're not sure, ask -- a transgender person will not hesitate to respond with the correct gender they wish to be addressed as. Although she might appear male or he might appear female at the outset, most transgender people want to be called her, hers or herself if he presents as a she and his, him or himself if she presents as a male.

But, there is one caveat -- some males like me do not fully dress up all the way. I prefer to present as a male in a skirt and many of my trans female friends do the same, they are just expressing themselves in a suit and tie. There's absolutely nothing wrong with any of us, it's just who we are inside...some of us don't have an urge to change who we are birth wise, we just wear clothing of the opposite gender...for me it means I wear skirts, but with male tops...I present completely as a male in a skirt...with shaven legs of course ! ;-)

NEVER for any reason, even in jest, should you refer to a transgender person as "It" -- doing so instantly labels you as a bigot to that person and everyone around you no matter who they are and what their background is. News travels fast...the bigot label sticks too...it is pretty much permanent, so beware most transgender people are far smarter than the cis-gender people around them...they will pick up on slurs and insensitive comments very quickly...and they will quickly label people as they see and hear them too...

Why ?

Well, because it's the right thing to do, but even moreso because their brain is telling them who they really are deep inside...when you address a crossdressing MtF as her or a FtM crossdresser as him you are addressing THEM directly with good ettiquette and they will return the favor politely as you would have them do to you. The reasoning is very simple, you are accepting and recognizing their presentation even when the presentation might not be that good...it is like accepting what you believe to be an ugly child or a disabled person with abilities...

Acceptance is the spice of life...it is being on the right train...of thought.


The world is changing...change with it or you'll be left behind...

Answer 9

Just be yourself. She'll still enjoy sharing the same type of conversation, but you might wanna forget about looking at sexy girls.

Seriously -- just act like she's still a he. If you didn't open the car door when he was male, I'd say don't open it now.

Answer 10

treat her like a lady . you can talk about anything .