will someone critique my free verse?

Question

Whenever it is that my time comes,
And judgement then awaits.
Judge not the wicked sinful heart.
Instead the righteous soul.
My life has been a long turmoil.
I lived a life of sin.
My mother called me Jezebelle,
For all my worldly ways.
Twas taught to me by satan's spawn.
The man I new as Dad.
The things he did were very wrong,
He took me for his own.
When I grew up I left this man,
To seek a life anew.
All I found were more like him,
To tear my world apart.
Now I sit behind these bars.
My life is close to done.
One more hour is all I have,
Until they throw the switch.
I guess I should have stayed at home,
And not killed all those men.
But I did not and now must pay.
The highest price of all.
My sinful life must now be lost.
For all the wrong I've done.
So judge me not for killing men,
Although they number twelve.
And pray forgiveness for my soul,
So I won't sleep in hell.

Thanks LuLu

Answer 1

I can give you my opinion, but I am no free verse expert, although I have been experimenting a bit in the shower.. I still think the rhythm should sing to you. I also noticed you had a good rhythm and beat in yours, to me a good sign, although I had a little difficulty with some words, my mind was trying to read it as rhyming. Second time through was much better. Maybe Todd will be on later and comment. He is a much better "judge" of free verse than I. From me, a star for effort.

Answer 2

It's alright, but not brilliant... It's okay to use real words 'n real grammar, ya know. I think your still a little stuck on the rhyming thing...

I like what you have going, I like the concept 'n all, but I still think it could use a little work. Like, "Whenever it is that my time comes, and judgment then awaits." That's a bit challenging to get out... However, the line after that I loved. But you didn't really take it anywheres.

Plus, "My life has been a long turmoil...", that actually for moment brings me to a dumb, 'teen hates life' poem. But again, you bounced back from that by saying, "I lived a life of sin." I don't know how you keep doing that...? I mean bad, then good, then back again... Oh well...

And then it just goes downhill, really.

Now, I have a problem with, "The things he did were very wrong, he took me for his own." Because it feels like your skipping something. Like we go right to that 2nd part 'n it's like... Where's the in-between...?

And then it just goes downhill, really. I mean, "When I grew up...", isn't very creative. And "...a life anew.", actually sounds kinda funny. I mean ya read it 'n it's like your repeating yourself. Which is never good.

Now, after that, again you regain it all. But then you lose it all. ...Again... For example, "My life is closed to done", makes little sense. Even if it was 'closed and done', I wouldn't like it too much 'cause I hear it a lot. And the line before that isn't too good, either. Especially as you read on in the poem.

You think she's just getting drunk, then you find out the truth 'n it's like... Huh? What's she doing at a bar?? And why does it look like she's about to get the chair?? "Until they throw the switch." Plus, you go back to making me think about some dumb, 'teen poetry', when you mention staying home.

When it comes to the next line, I think you could do without the 'all', in "...all those men". I would've liked to have seen it without... And plus, when you say, "And not killed all those men." it comes out a bit funny.... Just listen to it 'n you'll hear. And when you say, "But I did not and now must pay." it's a little confusing, actually. I think you should listen to that, too.

As for the rest... Ya know I really don't care. Not after all this typing I've done. So luck to ya, anyways.

Answer 3

Pretty good, but just a few suggestions
"The man I new as Dad."
did you perhaps mean "The man I KNEW as Dad."? Spelling errors can really turn off a reader to your writing, even if it very good. Be sure to read work aloud before posting it!
The other comment I have concerns the last four lines. Though the rest of the poem is free verse, the last four lines are in meter and rhyme. I would suggest either setting these lines apart as a separate stanza or revising them so they fit the free verse flow of the rest. On that note, it seems like a lot of lines are unintentionally in meter. For example, these four lines:
"For all my worldly ways.
Twas taught to me by satan's spawn.
The man I new as Dad.
The things he did were very wrong,"
Again in meter and verse. If you want to write free verse, you have to commit!
Otherwise, I really like the idea. Thanks for sharing!

Answer 4

The last line needs to flow a little bit better with the whole poem...even those it is free verse you have a very nice rhythm going and then it suddenly stops. But overall, I really like it and you express your emotions well. Usually I don't have the attention span for "longer" free verse poems like this (I prefer short ones), but this was an excellent one that was interesting to me and I could read and enjoy.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

T'was taught to me by Satan's spawn -
The man I knew as 'Dad'.

. . . perhaps? And I like it, indeed.

Answer 7

Fantastic.
It had me wanting to read more and more.
A job very well done.

Answer 8

Very good.
kinda depressing and a bit disturbing, but good!
^_*

Answer 9

this poem is excellent

Answer 10

well done! very disturbing...I feel it.