How does an elderly widower deal with life?

Question

I'm not talking about me but my grandmother. My grandfather does not have much longer to live and my grandmother doesn't want to deal with anything after he passes. She stopped taking care of herself and caring about herself. She said if he was sick, she might as well be sick too. She doesn't care about seeing doctors and has upcoming medical appts and wants to cancel, thinking "what's the point?" The fact is life has to go on, when a person passes even if you've been married for 63 years. I kinda understand what she means but I know there are lots of elderly widowers who are out there learning to deal with life alone. How do they do that without their husband/wife after long years of marriage?

Answer 1

That is a very difficult situation. Your grandmother needs some serious help, it sounds like she is having major depression. Please try asking for help from a trusted pastor, or counselor. Here are some sites to look at, also:

http://www.crisiscounseling.org/TraumaLoss/GriefLoss.htm

http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_elderly.htm

http://www.mtnviewhospital.com/Health%20Information%20Library/Elderly%20Grief%20and%20loss.htm

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/130950/dealing_with_depression_in_senior_citizens.html

I hope these help. Take good care of your grandma, and bless you for loving her and caring about her!

Answer 2

Some pick retirement homes that have alot of in and outdoor
activities. That's why there are people on staff that coordinate
activities to take seniors to places for a visual change to
see a show, or play bingo or eat at a restaurant, or even a
drive to the beach. Many of these widows didn't have any
friends when their husbands were alive and they make them
at the retirement homes.
Also there are Senior Rec centers for activities as well.
It's a place to go for an evening meal to maybe meet others.
And they have programs that seniors can sign up for to enjoy
with some activity. Even swimming pool exercises.
The main thing for a widow or widower, is to gather their
old friends around them if they can. Have those friends come
to visit, or plan some outing where the mopey person can
be inundated with happy smiles. Most women lose their
husbands than visa versa, and women tend to need more
social activity from what I have observed over time. Men
seem to enjoy their sports and TV and playing with their
hobbies. But the women need other women to surround them
and make them feel appreciated. We can all bring out our
motherly instincts even for the elderly who need it from time
to time. They're no different than anyone else. We all need
love and attention, and we need to feel it from more than just
our spouses. Many elderly women don't even have that.
Couples often drift apart when they age and just do what
they enjoy separately. So find something you feel she'd
enjoy under normal circumstances. And fix her hair or help
her dress, and take her somewhere. Maybe if her husband
can ride along and enjoy a drive, take the two of them
somewhere they'ed enjoy the view of again. Give them a
happy day they can carry with them when it's time for each
to go. She does need to have something to focus on tho.
Or she will make herself sick enough to die. So often one
mate will follow the other within a year or so, when life alone
is too unbearable. So you have to give her a reason or two
to live. Maybe great grandchildrens' visits could help. There has to be something to distract your grandmother so that she won't will herself to die.
I hope you find that distraction and give her the will to live.

Answer 3

She is probably very depressed about her husband's state and considers her identity mostly as his wife. You can't make her go to doctor's appts., all you can do is encourage. I am guessing she is in her 80s. She is going through a tough time right now, and probably will after he is gone. I know of some elderly widows that live alone and manage, but not many. I work in a residential home in assisted living. It is probably 90% women and 10% men. Once she is alone, she is probably going to need some assistance and she will need some kind of social life. The worst thing she can do is hole up and avoid people. I would suggest moving her to a residential home where she can be around people her age. The one I work in has high standards. They have plenty of activities for older people, and enforce quality care. The ones who seem the happiest are the ones that have frequent family visits, and something of an extroverted personality. We have social workers that see to all residents. But even if she doesn't care for a lot of interaction, she will be around people her own age and be able to relate and not be all alone.

Answer 4

She needs all the understanding that she can get. Married for 63 years? Wow! That's something.

Does she have a religious group? Charity groups? This is very important.

Or why don't you teach her how to use a computer? Am not kidding.

Meanwhile, you should give time where she can enjoy a grandmother-grandchild conversation.

When I was a child, it was my grandmother who taught me how to use my imagination. She told me stories which are not found in the usual fairytale books, Those stories were all her own, I found out later. She was my confidante who would readily laugh at my own made-up stories!

I always slept beside her, even until she was bedridden. I was then an eight year old child, who din't have an idea what being sick was all about.

She died in her sleep beside me, while I was still asleep.

Well, I believe that grandmothers deserve the company of their grandchildren. It is a special bonding made in heaven!

Answer 5

You didn't say how old your grma and grpa are, but having been married for 63 years let me guess at somewhere in their 80's??
No one can walk this walk for her. This is her journey and you can strive to be as uplifting and encouraging as possible but there's simply no way you can understand a bonded relationship that has existed 63 years. You have to live that to truly understand that all their lives they have been together, all their memories are wrapped up in one another, they hardly know where one begins now and the other ends. Life is about the 2 of them. A single doesn't make sense anymore.

If there is life beyond your grpa's passing for your grma, she will have to find it for herself from within herself. She is beginning her mourning process right now before he leaves her and she's scared and devastated and lost.
Minister to that, right where she is right now, and don't worry about what she says or what her mental state is in. It's normal. I would however, ask for some tranquilizers for her so she can at least get some recuperative rest, see to her physical needs like seeing that she eats something in a day and drinks some water and stays hydrated.
Life becomes quite primitive and basic at this time. So you watch and attend to her like you would a wounded creature or a hurt child. All the vulnerabilities are cut wide open and she just needs to let it bleed. You can't fix it. You can only be with her to comfort her just by your presence while she bleeds.
The rest is really between her and the spirit within her.

Answer 6

Sorry to be so negative here, but there may be absolutely nothing you can do...she is about to lose more than what she considers half of herself, and she has little or no interest in living as a half person filled with pain. Perhaps you could tell me a reason she would want to get up in the morning, a reason to clean house, a reason to go food shopping....I can't give you one good reason. Only she can make the decision whether or not to live on alone, and that is exactly what she will be....alone. IF she has money, a home...she could sell out and go spend her days in a retirement/old folks home, to sit daily and watch those around her die and be carried out. She could sit and stare out the window and live in the past. She has been joined at the hip for oer 3/4 of her life to her husband...No, I do not think there is a thing you can do for her. This is her decision alone. If she is of sound mind, then let her make that decision. WE all should be allowed to make our own decisions about this kind of stuff. I suppose it all boils down to how much life SHE has in her, not how much you hope she has. My mother died at 84, my father grieved, but went on in life, eventually met someone and they do everything together...he and mom were married over 50 years, he adored her, but...he has a tremendous amount of life in him. I have no idea how much life your grandmother has. Good luck and peace, Goldwing

Answer 7

My heart goes out to you and your grandmother and grandfather. This is really a tough call. When many people have been married for a long time, they are not 'complete" without the other. There live have been so entwined together, they can not see life without their other half. If one partner dies, the other follows suit shortly thereafter. The marriage vows, "Now you are One" is the absolute truth for them.
Perhaps you can speak with your grandmothers doctor and he can recommend an anti-depressant and grief counseling.
Surround grandma with love, but try to understand that her heart is breaking, after all, most of her life has been spent with the man she so loves.

** Please rent or buy the DVD "The Notebook", this is a wonderful story about an older couple and their lives together.
And it was filmed in SC where I live

Answer 8

She sounds depressed, certainly. If she's been married 63 years, then she's probably at least 80 years old by my calculations, so she's been married something like 80-85% of her life. The last time she WASN'T married would have been in 1944! Think about how much the world has changed since then; wouldn't you be scared too? I'm not saying it's good that she doesn't want to care for herself, but I can certainly understand her fear.

I'm wondering if she only feels useful to her husband? Does anybody ask ANYTHING of her except that she helps to take care of him? We all need some kind of purpose in life, and the "what's the point" remark (whether your version of it, or her exact words) makes me think that she has no purpose, or at least feels that she doesn't. I believe that there is going to have to be a concerted effort by members of your family and by her friends to make her feel needed, and it's going to have to come quickly if her husband is seriously ill.

You may not feel she's "needed," or that being "wanted" should be enough for her, but having a purpose is essential for many women to keep functioning, especially women of her age, given the social climate in which they were raised. I suggest finding ways to involve her in your family in productive ways; not just having granny present - it's not REMOTELY the same thing. Is there a skill she can teach people? Does she sew? Does she cook? Does she do something else that you'd hate to see lost prematurely? Does she know information about family members who have already passed away? Can she tell you about her life - for instance, during WWII or the Korean conflict? Find SOMETHING that she can contribute, or she won't last long after her husband passes.

Good luck!

Answer 9

My parents were married longer than your grandparents. Mom and dad were married almost 67 years. Imagine. Towards the end they were both in a skilled nursing facility because they had advanced dementia. When dad died my mom died three months later. This often happens with couples who have been married a long time. On the surface mom didn't realize that her sweetie was gone, but deep inside she knew very well.

I'm not saying this will happen to your grandmother, but there is a possibility. In the meantime I hope she finds someone who can convince her to take care of herself, eat right, and not neglect herself, while her husband is alive, and hopefully after he passes.
Such a difficult and sad situation.

Answer 10

noone can understand what she is going thru and what she will soon be going thru. You cannot tell her to tough it up and get out and meet people.She is losing someone she has loved for 63 yrs. She must have time to grieve. People grieve differently, some want to be with family and friends,some just want to be by themselves for a long time.I feel like she does. I've been best friends and married to a man who has not long to live, when I think about it I start to cry,and I don't really care if I live after he does. My kids understand. I've known him since I was 3yrs old. He is my life. The depression begins to lift sometimes 6 months and sometimes a yr or more. Don't be impatient for her to go and do, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to her. You turn around to tell him a funny piece of gossip you heard or ask him where is the....... and he is not there. Give her the option to grieve in her own way and eventually the fog will lift and one day she'll wake up and be able to smile,and want to go shopping or whatever.Don't knock it since you have never gone thru it.

Answer 11

I'm not a doctor but I believe I can diagnose your grandmother with a broken heart. As sad as it is to say this, this is a big one to get over. I'm sure you will be there for her but nothing will replace her loss. Just be understanding and allow her the room to heal. Time takes care of a lot. Put extra effort into finding her a support group of some kind where women are going through the same thing. Sharing stories, and her seeing that other people share the same pain might make her feel like she is not alone in this. I feel your compassion and your grandmother will be in my prayers. I wish I could say more to help, but I think we both know this is a tough one.