Soldier
As I put my pen doen to this paper
the pain in my mind makes me realize
I have nothing to say. I was
a prisoner, and my captor were
these words unspoken.
Like a bottle of asprin I kept my words
hostage inside me. So many times I wanted to
pull the trigger on myself for not saying goodbye.
I felt so angry that I got the
call to duty. Maybe it because of my wife's beauty.
Or maybe it was my child's innocence.
Either way I was stil a prisoner of
these unspoken I words.
I love you. I miss you. I want you.
These are all the things I wanted to say. But I was
still a prisoner of these words. So I
sip this. smoke this, Sniff this, anything
to keep the pain away from my brain.
sorry
this is only 3/4 of the poem because the rest won't fit. Tell me waht you think about this.
2007-09-14 05:35:04 · 11 answers · asked by animedrawer69 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
As I pen these words,my mind racked with pain,
I suddenly realize..I have nothing to say,
I am a prisoner,held captive,by these unspoken words,
Thoughts held hostage inside,my guilt for not sharing,
even despairing of life..no courage... to say goodbye,
As my mind melted into rage,and raced between my sense of duty,and the innocence of my child,my wife's ravishing beauty,
I am still a prisoner of my unspoken words,etc...
There is a lot of potential here and it does draw emotion from the reader...I would sharpen it up just a bit and avoid redundancy and cut out things like the asprin metaphor...
I reworded the first few lines,as I may have written them...
Not being mean at all, just a few words of encouragement...
EDIT Beano and Sophia,how could I choose,Alas..If I choose one...the other,i'll lose... Bows....LOL
2007-09-14 12:37:25 · answer #1 · answered by bonsai bobby 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
there are various, many forms of poems Frederic. unfastened verse is purely "one" of them and unfastened verse does no longer could rhyme in spite of if it fairly could have a definite circulate to it. as quickly as I write unfastened verse, it lands up being fairly verbose interior the initiating. the 1st draft continuously is for me so I enable it breathe somewhat and that i edit, edit, edit and destroy down each and all of the verbage that purely isn't needed. This poem has extra suitable than it desires interior the way of 'bones'. Now you may hone it to assert what that's you're attempting to get in the time of to the reader in as elementary a manner as obtainable. i'd propose this edit: whilst each and all of the moments have been lived each and all of the days defined, wish often is the phantasm you chase on your desires; and time will advance right into a circle of black and white at the same time as purely dwindled pictures will look after your recommendations from forgetting. Will there be the grace of a seat presented? Will there be a comforting hand heat your face right into a grin as you collect the fallen leaves of your desires construct a preserving hearth from iciness's chilly and stare into luminous stars of night left to relive your solemn rendering of existence? i think of the poem is applicable and a solid expression of subject for the elderly and their themes. have you ever a call? i'd propose "Will There Be Grace"
2016-10-04 13:52:26 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a good start mostly because it seems to come from the heart. I would suggest you read it over and over and the right words will come to you and it will go from simple to somewhat more endearing.
I do wish you all the best of luck and keep your chin up life is hell as you already know.
2007-09-14 06:00:15 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The meaning and sentiment are sincere; the metaphors seem a bit stretched to me...but I can't say I dislike the poem as it DID make me empathize with the poet...
2007-09-14 05:42:34 · answer #4 · answered by Greg H 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am not an expert, but I thoght it was pretty good. Better than mine, at any rate. You can always put more below it by going back and adding details.
2007-09-14 07:06:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Raw emotion at it's purest. Pulled me into it's mysterious realm of sadness and longing. Great piece.
2007-09-14 12:20:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I honestly think you are in alot of pain and I encourage you to seek help.This poem is cry for help in capital letters.
2007-09-14 05:43:46 · answer #7 · answered by rosemary512002 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
very good. keep working. revise, edit, complete. the three best words for a poem. keep at it and you'll have a masterpiece in no time!
2007-09-14 12:22:45 · answer #8 · answered by ₪ ̻ V ¡ ¢ ז☺я ɣ ̻ ₪ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It definitely has potential!
Wow BB, I didn't know you could write poetry.....
Edit: Ahhhh....either one would be like not having to choose at all. heehee
2007-09-14 12:51:32 · answer #9 · answered by beano™ 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
it is a good piece of poetry, it really shows what you feel and you express what it is about really well.
2007-09-14 05:44:45 · answer #10 · answered by frogie 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋