Will the South postpone rising yet again?

Question

HUNTSVILLE, AL—For the 143rd straight year since Gen. Robert E. Lee's surrender at Appomattox, representatives for the South announced Monday that the region has postponed plans to rise again.

"Make no mistake, the South shall rise again," said Knox Pritchard, president of the Huntsville-based Alliance Of Confederate States. "But we're just not quite ready to do it now. Hopefully, we'll be able to rise again real soon, maybe even in 2008."

"Yes, sir. The South will rise again, and when it does, I'll be right up front waving the Stars and Bars," said Dock Mullins of Decatur, GA. "But first, I gotta get my truck fixed and get that rusty old stove out of my yard."

"Lord willing, and the creek don't rise, we gonna rise again," said Sumter, SC, radiator technician Hap Slidell, who describes himself as "Southern by the grace of God." "I don't know exactly when we're gonna do it, but one of these days, we're gonna show them Yankees how it's done."

"Save your Confederate dollars," Slidell added. "You can bet on that."

The Deep South states of Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, Louisiana, and Tennessee consistently rank at the bottom of the nation in a wide variety of statistical categories, including literacy, infant mortality, hospital beds, toilet-paper sales, and shoe usage. Even so, some experts believe the region could be poised for a renaissance.

Though Southerners are overwhelmingly in favor of rising again, few were able to provide specific details of the rising-again process.

"I don't know, I reckon we'll build us a bunch of big, fancy buildins and pave us up a whole mess of roads," said Bobby Lee Fuller of Greenville, MS. "I ain't exactly sure where we're gonna get the money for that, but when Johnny Reb sets his mind to something, you best get out of his way."

"Oh, it'll happen, sure as the sun come up in the morning," said Buford Comstock, 26, a student at Over 'N' Back Diesel Driving School in Union City, TN. "The South is gonna rise up, just as soon as we get together and get all our **** back in one sock. Then, look out, Northerners!"

"Yesiree," Comstock added, "one day soon, the Mason-Dixon Line will be the boundary between a great nation and one whose time done did passed."

Answer 1

Hell, you're making *me* want to secede from the Union.

Get over yourself already! I don't blame all liberals for *your* stupidity...

Answer 2

Read Harry Turtledove's novel, "Guns of the South"
(where visitors from the future ship AK-47s to General Lee).

Maybe they are just waiting for the time machine to be invented,
so they can rewrite history (then go back to the future).

Answer 3

Most people seem to be either throwing away or recycling their Dixie cups these days and they can't find enough of the little paper cups to finance their confederation of states. It is about the only thing other than cotton they have going for them in terms of sources of income.

Answer 4

This is a very impressive collection of quotes. I gave you a star for your in depth research. It will be useful someday, when the Confederate dollar is in circulation again.

Answer 5

I sure hope something rises in the South.

Answer 6

Not rise since when? What do you call the Bush victory, if not the South's revenge?

Answer 7

Hey, they do it every morning when the sun comes up!

Have a right-wing day!

Answer 8

If that isn't from The Onion, it should be. Hilarious stuff.

Answer 9

The sooner the better!

Answer 10

best post EVER!

you get a star!