Why am I so needy?

Question

I'm a 22 year old strong and independant female. I'm focused on my career, my future and success. But for some reason when it comes to my boyfriend I am soooo needy. He treats me really bad and we fight all the time. I want kids and marriage one day but he doesn't know if he wants that seeing how he already has two kids. I have never let a man have this kind of power over me before. My question is why is it that I can be so strong and independant in every other aspect of my life but yet go home and be mistreated so badly? Why is it so hard for me to just pick up and leave? Anyone with experience and advice please give me some feedback and opinions. Thank you.

P.S. We have been together for 5 years and we live together.

Also, we have split up a few times over the years and I have gone to stay with my friends or family. He will usually show up at the house a number of times as well as call every phone a million times.

Other times when I tell him it's over he will try to make me feel bad by saying his daughters are going to be so hurt if I leave him...

To answer Quix question, his daughters are 11 and 7.

Answer 1

I know what you are going through. I was there before, I was that girl! In high school I had what I now call my "high school sh*t head" because he was anything but a sweetheart. I stayed with him for a few reasons. One being he made me feel like no one else would want me. Two I believed him because my childhood wasn't exactly the best. Because of what I went through as a child and the way he treated me, well lets just say it.... I felt like being abused was just the way it was. You seem to believe in your ability outside of a relationship but not in one. I am not the kind of person to say "you have to" or "you need to" or even "your should do this" because no matter what kind of answers you get from people, you will make your own decision and that is exactly what it needs to be... YOURS! I can tell you how I handled my situation though. Yes, I dropped him. I moved on and eventually I found love, a love that is the way it is meant to be. It took me a few years of dating and seeing what was out there but when I found it, I realized.... it doesn't hurt! Love doesn't hurt, doesn't yell and doesn't make you cry. You seem to be very strong and capable. Stay who you are! If you want kids and marriage, go ahead and get it. Maybe that doesn't mean with him, but I can guarantee you that it is bliss when you do get it! My suggestion is this... Wake up in the morning, get ready for your day, eat your breakfast then go look in the mirror! Look yourself in the eyes and think for a moment about everything you have been through, remember the good times and bad times. Remember how those times made you who you are today. Some of those things you have overcome, somethings you might still be holding on to. However those things, good or bad, you are BEAUTIFUL either way! You just need to know, you deserve better and fight for it! Get the energy and the self confidence to do what you feel you need. It is times like this where you need to know you are better, not just think you are. Here is a question for you that I have always asked myself. The question is... If this is how it would be for the rest of my life, would I be happy? If that answer is no, I moved on. I didn't waste time or years. I didn't want to be that person that looked back after 5, 10 or 20 years and think... What did I do with my life? You are fairly lucky, you are still young!! Bottom line is you have been hurt and you need to know that there will still be bumps and bruises, but they dont have to come from him anymore. If you want to im me, feel free. stephanieford78

Answer 2

You grew up in a house where your mother was in a bad relationship?

You're afraid of being alone and never finding love if he leaves?

A bad relationship is better then none?

You have little self esteem yet, have more going for you then you acknowledge?

I know you think omg I am 22 and I am with him 5 years don't want to start over. He is not the guy for you. You need to say this to yourself as not only is it true but, when you break up stop thinking on how things were in your relationship 5 years ago or think about how he could be. What you see is what you get. This guy is a LOOSER and you know it.

All my friends were married with kids before me. Some got married and had kids because they thought time was running out. Some are now divorced at 30 something, single moms,
no man and raising a child on your own ain't no birthday party.
But, most have a nice life, great husband, house, kids etc.

You have pleanty of time to find the right guy, he is out there but, if you have the wrong guy in your life the right one won't step in. Clean house, get rid of him and his drama take some "me" time for yourself nights out with the girls, day at the spa, weekend away. I can say from EXPERIANCE, that when I had a I don't care attitude and was raped up with myself I met my husband was engaged with in a year and married a year after. Your time will come, enjoy the journey
it takes to get there.

Your 22 he has to many issue and it's sad that he needs to use his daughters in order to make you feel guilty. Guess that did not work on this daughter's mom.

Answer 3

Been there done that he is controlling and makes you feel like it is you fault This is stage one of the long road to physical verbal and emotional abuse Please do not o repeat do not bring children into this situation it will only make it worse Plus children need to be born in a safe nutureing enviroment You have stated this man has power over you You have stated he mistreats you badly He already has two kids Does he support them spend time with them is he a good role model for them Perhaps that is why the ex is a ex I see red flags going up all over A man should respect you make you feel loved and wanted He should encourage and love you as you do him He should never verbaly phsycally or mentally abuse you would you treat yourself like he treats you Would you let a family member treat you like he does Now take a long look in the mirror and say to yourself i am worthy of love and to be treated respectfully I dated a guy for 5 years he was great got married started with verbal abuse then a little pushing daughter was born his anger then goes to jealousy rage and cheating Final straw he almost choked the life out of me really I still do not know why he stopped Daughter was in the crib watching Divorced him took the children 14 months and 3 weeks old at the time never looked back or regretted it What I know i love myself and i am alive because I changed my circumstance

Answer 4

If I could go back and be your age, I would...
It is so easy for everyone to say pick up and leave, but it's not.
You sound mature and it's evident that you have a good head on your shoulders, but you don't need him.
Yes, I know you do love him; but you deserve more than a man who already has a 7year old and a 11 year old!
Take it from me, I am w/ a married man; he has a 17, 19, 23 and 24 year old and it doesn't get any easier. Yes, my situation is alot different; but I just can't find the nerve to just leave him. It's been like this for the last 2years!
But its always that reassurance that you have someone there and you don't want to be alone.
For me, it's having him as a Father Figure.
By all means, you do deserve so much better; and I wish you all the luck....
Feel free to email me!! :)

Answer 5

Well, the statement "I have never let a man have this kind of power over me before" would carry greater weight if you weren't 22. I'm sure you're intelligent and greatly accomplished, but you're a virtual baby in emotional relationship matters, therefore "learning" means it takes what it takes before you develop acumen at navigating these pitfalls and effectively establishing boundaries. When you're 22 it can be enormously difficult letting go of something (or someone) even if that something is bad for you. By the time you're 44 though, life will have slapped you around enough that you will drop something that even has the slightest hint of toxicity to it, because by then you'll realize that, though the emotion is the same in either case (good or bad), loving well sustains you, whereas loving poorly drags you down.

Answer 6

I WAS the exact same way. I just had to realize why i was really staying with the people to treat me this way. Did i really love them or was I secure in the relationship and didn't want to have to look for someone else. I truely thought i loved those people and then now, when i look back on it, i realize i didn't. After I realized what was going on I started having a lot of fun with my friends, partying some, and just dating guys. There were many guys that wanted a relationship with me but I kept dating anyway. Now, I am stronger than I ever was because I gained control of myself in my relationships. Now, I am with a man that loves be dearly and I do the same back to him. We are the exact same in every aspect and never try to control each other. I wish you lots of luck because it is initally hard to get out of the relationship. I would have a nice talk with your parents about it too.....its always so much more helpful when you have people standing behind you willing to do whatever they can.

Answer 7

What kind of relationship do you have with your father? What kind of male influences did you have when you were growing up? What are your expectations in a relationship? Hopefully these three little questions are enough to make you realize that you may have some unhealthy baggage that affects your relationships. Get some individual counseling so that you can begin to work on it before you destroy your focus on your career and your future. Although you are trying to project an image of a strong and independent woman, on the inside you're just a scared little girl.

Answer 8

Every girl dreams of a knight in shining armour.. not at night you have to fight in armour, and you said you 2 fight all the time, what kind of life is that. Are you that lonely, and desperate for a man, especially one that needs a built in babysitter, that would be you my dear. If a man treats you badly now, what are the chances of him marrying you, and doing any better, not going to happen, that's in him. You allow him to mistreat you now.. well hold on for the ride, it going down hill fast. You want children and he has two, now you have children, and that's that. Marry you why? he has you already with out marriage, and he has his kids, not your, and you may never have your own children with him. So get your head out of his *** AND SEE THIS 5YR. DISASTER FOR WHAT IT IS...SORRY THE ADVISE WAS TO OPEN YOUR EYES.

Answer 9

Maybe it means failure to you and that is something you don't want. There is a distinction between the value of a person and their behavior. Love does not focus on pain, ego focuses on pain: ego focuses on what you did to me. Love focuses on who you are. Check yourself as it relates to this broken relationship. How is your behavior a cause for this.
You can never get someone to think the way you do or be the way you are. If you cannot except the differences between you then perhaps he isn't the one for you.
You have high expectations of yourself in other areas of your life, why not in this area also ? Do not let another person diminish who you are. Stay strong and secure in what you know and who you are. Do not allow yourself to be mistreated. Remember we teach people how to treat us.

Answer 10

Normally, people who are strong in carreer and other ways, are needy when it comes to relationships. I was like that, too.

First of all, you are 22. You are a baby. This is good. You still have to explore the world around you, Find new friends, do things for yourself and with others. But try to do things by yourself more and more. YOu don't need a guy who treats you like that. Besides, you're too young to be a step mom.