Is this relationship over?

Question

I’ve been with my spouse for 8 years. We’ve been through a lot together and want the same things from life. We have two children together. [I’m a girl btw, pay no attention to the avatar.] I married when I was 19, had my first child at 21 and second just 1.5 years ago. I’m now 28. I love my girls and don’t want to tear their lives apart. I love my husband too, and he loves me.

The problem is that I love him in a way that’s not passionate. I don’t feel a strong connection with him anymore. He’s a good friend, and I still find him physically attractive, but I have no sexual desire to be close or intimate. I feel myself pull away and want nothing to do with it. We fight a lot. The root of those fights is arguably my own standoffishness toward him.

I just feel like I want to be free. I don’t want to have to answer to him anymore. Sometimes I think I married too young and had kids too fast and now my life is too far entrenched to get out. And so I despair and am very depressed.

[con't]
I feel obligated to stay married but don’t actually want to be married. Am I just being selfish? Should I just “get over it”? Your thoughts are appreciated

Answer 1

This is a tough situation. Before you make and life changing decisions I think you should try to regain the passion in your marriage. Try to spend some alone time together without the kids. Take him out on a date to a romantic place that neither of you have been before. Try pretending that it is your first date. Role play a little, it could be interesting. Try to break up the routine of your lives a little. If that does not work then think of different alternatives. If you really don't want to continue the marriage you shouldn't stay in it. You will end up resenting him more and more for wasting your life. Don't stay with him just for the kids. Make an extra effort to make it work for them but don't stay with him for that reason or you might end up resenting your kids as well as yourself for your wasted life. I've seen it happen time and time again. Life is too short. Try to make each day count... and as soon as you realize that the cards in your hand cannot win. You must fold the hand or you could dump all your chips in the pot with a hand that's a loser... Good Luck.

Answer 2

This was the situation with my father and mother. My mother just was sick of my father, wanted to leave her family behind after creating three children, (me being the first) and not committing to putting the rest of her life to her children, which have become the most important thing in her life, above all.

I believe that resolution is best, and if you feel like you need help, go to marriage counseling or sit down with your husband and schedule some time together alone, because you'll find that having children around all the time affects the relationship. As for the depression, go running.. go to the gym, listen to music while you work around the house. It's a great release.

And not being sexual in the relationship is just a phase unless it goes on for multiple years. Some consider that a sickness. You can see your doctor and ask what you can do or what you can take to have the desire for sex again.

For the fights, after the fight, give him a reassuring hug and apologize for your attitude, and cuddle up to him and suggest that the two of you watch a movie together.

BTW.. I ended up hating my mother for leaving her whole family behind because she was bored of my father. She is going to be 32 years old in one month, and all she does every night is party. I suggest, as her child, that you don't make the same mistake she did and improve your relationship even for your children's sake. Do family things.. like outings. Have more fun. You'll see a major difference.. I promise.

Answer 3

I don't know how one would "just get over" feeling trapped and unfulfilled. Granted, you are not who you were at 19.
I got married at 19, as well. My husband wasn't just standoffish, but abusive. I let it drag on far too long.
You can't go on without some therapy/counseling. Try that. Try a separation. Staying in because that is all you know is the wrong reason. If there are no other reasons, then yes, it is over. I believe you'll find your way. C. :)!!

Answer 4

You really need to see a couple councilor or similar.

I wouldnt like to see you throw away what you have got (which you want realise until you dont have it) or to put the kids or your hubby through this if it can be fixed.

People get in to ruts which can last for a long time. It may be that way forever but it may not either. Just dont be too quick to jump ship without truly being able to say to yourself, I tried and what I tried was all I could possibly try, it just isnt going to be what it should be.

I dont think it is selfish to leave but I think it is selfish to leave without trying the best you can, as I said above.

Answer 5

The only thing to really ask yourself is, do you love this man? Or believe he is your ultimate love? If you do then you can't just get out of the marriage, you have to work on it.
If you don't then it might not be worth staying together even for the kids sake, sometimes kids can pick up on when their parents are unhappy together and have tension. But you do have to be a good mum to these kids, that's the most important thing.
But consider whether you really love him and get marriage counselling maybe.
Good luck.

Answer 6

You should never feel obligated in a relationship. The best I would recommend is confronting him. Talk to him about it or seek counselling. Even marriage counselling or just counselling for yourself.

Answer 7

Please see a relationship counselor, together if at all possible.
Sometimes our "feelings" lead us in a direction that might not be the best thing for us!
How long has this been going on? Has anything changed in the relationship?
There is so much to be considered here. Please seek help from a professional to help sort it all out.

Answer 8

I felt the same why about my daughter's father. We're no longer together, but not for that reason. We had other issues.
Maybe if you were to just take a break from each other for time to think?