Is this relationship over?

Question

I’ve been with my spouse for 8 years. We’ve been through a lot together and want the same things from life. We have two children together. [I’m a girl btw, pay no attention to the avatar.] I married when I was 19, had my first child at 21 and second just 1.5 years ago. I’m now 28. I love my girls and don’t want to tear their lives apart. I love my husband too, and he loves me.

The problem is that I love him in a way that’s not passionate. I don’t feel a strong connection with him anymore. He’s a good friend, and I still find him physically attractive, but I have no sexual desire to be close or intimate. I feel myself pull away and want nothing to do with it. We fight a lot. The root of those fights is arguably my own standoffishness toward him.

I just feel like I want to be free. I don’t want to have to answer to him anymore. Sometimes I think I married too young and had kids too fast and now my life is too far entrenched to get out. And so I despair and am very depressed. I fe

[con't] I feel obligated to stay married but don’t actually want to be married. Am I just being selfish? Should I just “get over it”? Your thoughts are appreciated.

Answer 1

Wow. I could have written this. You do have a connection but not in that sense. It's your daughters. But to answer your question, you can't change your feelings towards him. It's not that easy. That usually happens naturally and with time, just like you didn't fall out of passion over night. You say you still love your husband, but are you in love with him? There's a difference you know. You can love someone in a caring and concerned way and you can love someone in a deep profound sexual way. Marrying you can play a part in how you feel but if you are in happy and satisfied marriage that wouldn't make a difference. I stayed in my marriage out of duty and for the sake of the kids. but after 17 yrs of marriage, I let him go. I was miserable and that made him miserable. I feel guilty that I broke up my family but I needed to follow my heart. That is what you need to do. You aren't selfish, if you were you wouldn't be asking this. I feel for you. All the best.

Answer 2

Im sure its because you got together soo young and then bam you had kids. I had my first at 18 and 4 kids later I am 38 and can not wait to give up the hands-on mothering. I just want my kids to grow and go so I can have the freedom I gave up by becoming a mom and having so much responsibility at a young age. I can't advise you on what to do because it seems harsh for the kids and hubby to say leave because of decisions YOU made. I think more time to yourself to discover what you want and who you are would be helpful. Do you have your own activities that do not include kids and hubby? Go out with friends, take a class? If not, I suggest you try that. I do not think the passion level stays the same through out a marriag, it flucuates but if you got a good man and things are going good..you dont want to rock the boat. G'luck!

Answer 3

You really did marry too young. You never had a chance to figure out for yourself what the real world was like. You never knew what you did or didn't want or like, and you've never had the freedom that is so essential now. It's too easy to stray, and we (women) are too independent now, which is a great thing, so it makes our decisions much easier. We don't HAVE to stay in a loveless marriage.

I feel the no passion thing you're talking about. You MUST have passion in a relationship, or else it feels as if you have a roommate. People can say all they want that you married him, you made a vow, and you promised to love him for better or worse for the rest of your life, but we change. We all change. It's really not your fault that you're feeling this way. It's not his fault either. It happens. The one thing you must figure out is if there is something that he is not doing that you miss, or if it's something within you that you don't feel comfortable with. You have kids, so it makes your decision that much more difficult.

Best thing is talk to him. He loves you and owe him at least honesty about everything you're feeling and give him a chance before you throw it away.

Answer 4

You answer yoru own question. yes you married too young, had kids too young and you are still young and want to enjoy life and see what's out there.

Do not panic, this is a rather common middle age syndrom, men have it when they reach 40 and women when they reach 30.

My suggestion to you is to reconnect with yourself and reconnect to whay you used to like pre-kids and pre-marriage. What was your dream? Your passion? Your talent? Your hobbie? reconnect with that.

Also, go through your wardrobe and trow most of it away. Start a "new you" phase. Get some updated treads, a new haircut and a new haistyle, always wonder about a tatoo or a piercing? Go for it. Want that leather purse? Buy it. You have sacrificed wnough of yoru youth and yourself, do something that inspire you, go back to school, start working out again etc.

Want some passion, go to the lingerie or novelty store. Feel desirable again. You have to do your homework too. Lear some new tricks, try something new. That will spice things up.

If your man is a good husband and father, do not bother acting on your instincts, the truth is that the grass is not greener on the other side and that you be risking alot for a mirage.

Good luck

Answer 5

This is kind of normal at this stage in your marriage. Can you take some time for yourself? Change up the routine a bit. Start doing something at least once a week that's just for you. Get to know yourself again. It's possible that your desire to be "free" is really just a desire for a little more freedom.
Don't throw in the towel over this. There are ways to work this out.
You say you love him but you love him in a way that's not passionate. Are you passionate about anything right now? I know I go through times in my life where things don't feel right because I'm not artistically fulfilled. My job gets boring or I feel restless for other reasons but the reality is, if I'm not doing something artistic, I feel a bit empty.
Find what that thing is for you- the thing you're passionate about but you aren't doing or you've lost touch with.
When you can be passionate about yourself again, I'll be your passion for him will be renewed.

Answer 6

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you aren't being given a chance to have free time to yourself. I think you feel smothered and need some serious alone time, a vacation, something to get away.

What I don't get, is you claim to be physically attracted to your husband, yet no sexual desire. That doesn't make sense to me. You also claim you love him, but have no desire to be intimate.

I think you should explore very carefully what you believe he has done to hurt you and what is wrong. My guess is that you have some things that have been bothering you for years, you never communciated them to your husband, so not only is he unaware of the situation, but there is no way for him to help straighten it out. He should get that chance. Work on figuring out all the things that he has disappointed you with or that he has wronged you, even if it's just the kids and responsibility keeping you from having fun, and then communicate those things with him and try to work through it.

You not wanting to answer to him anymore is understandable, I guess. You should explore why you feel that you have to answer to him now.

BTW, a new guy, or a single life will be fleeting, and the very things depressing you now, will depress you later as well. Before you destroy your marriage, look deep within and try to find your own happiness and then try to draw your marriage into that circle of happiness. It seems when we despair we always want a fresh start. That's great, but maybe your fresh start can be WITH your husband.

Answer 7

You need to find out why the passion for your husband has faded. You say that you love him, so you should try to work on the relationship. It's normal to feel that you did things too young, want to be free but it's not healthy to be standoffish with him. Maybe you should try some counseling.

The passion is important in a relationship. You may end up missing the closeness with someone, and it could lead to an affair. Don't give up so easily.

Answer 8

I think it's just one of those crisis that will pass if you work on it. This thing about the grass is greener.
In fact it is not, and once you will have enjoyed the first few outings, with your girlfriends, no husband in your life, no married woman responsibility, you'll crave to go back to your hubby, but it'll be too late.
So, what i'd suggest for you to do, is to take a vacation.
Yes, even go away on your own if you can. That way, you'll have the temptation facing you and the possibility to act on it.
Then you'll see if it's really what you want to do.
Dream is one thing, but reality is different.

I think that you may need to spend more time with friends and to relax a bit. But trust me, you will very quickly realize the chance you have to have found a man who loves you so much and wants to fight for you.

Just don't act on some of your impulses, just try and see.
Trust me, it's so good to have someone to talk to, listen to how you feel and be interested in listening; Someone who you can call your husband and to whom you can cuddle up to when you're feeling sad, scared or just happy.

Hang on there girl, and do some work on yourself.
Those women who are single and with children, which I am part of, believe me, if there were a way for me to use what I know today and turn the clock back, I would.

It's like I said, it can be fun at times to be on your own, but just at times.
And, don't dream too much, it's not very easy to find someone trustworthy who'll be interested in your ready made family just like that.

So, cherish what you have.
Go and see a marriage counsellor if necessary and calm down.
Good luck.xxx

Answer 9

Wow! It sounds as if I am writing this question. My husband and I went through that but we toughed it out for the kids and our family and things are better. Far from perfect but better. I do still have the thought tho... What could I be doing if I weren't married. Where would I be. What could I had done instead of xyz that I needed to do for him. I don't always think this way. There are days I am glad that I get to fold his underpants and days I am so angry that they are in the bathroom floor that I'd almost rather throw them away than wash them. If you ever need someone to talk to you can e-mail me thru my profile.

Answer 10

I'm 24 and been married for only 4 1/2 years and I have 2 kids and married at 19, and I've already felt those feelings, when its out of the "honey moon period" and when you have kids right away that period goes away faster... but I try to imagine my life without him and my children growing up without two parents like I did. And how much growing up without my dad hurt me and still hurts me.

Marriage is a commitment, an oath. When I commit, even if my "love feelings" have passed, my commitment builds my love for him. When I give him affection even if I don't feel like it, soon I find myself longing for his affection. And the passion is not always going to be there. I don't always feel passionate about my kids and sometimes I just want to give up, but I love my kids with all my heart and could never give up on them.

I have found this really good website: http://www.marriagemissions.com/index.php
I have been reading under the "For married woman" part and it has helped me tremendously. And I've been reading this book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" I am a stubborn person and I have a hard time showing affection- which has caused much strife between my husband and I, this book and website has broken me down, (I don't cry much) but everytime I read from them I just start crying.

Praying for your husband is so vital, they really need that from us. I begin to feel compassion for him and see from his perspective like how men can easily feel insecure and rejected so easily, like when a wife won't give him affection (in our case) He feels not good enough and insecure. I hate knowing I've made my husband feel this way... I want nothing but good for him and thats why I stick it out... plus he's an amazing husband and father.