Hello, I wanted to get some opinions here. I am 25 and been with my hubby since I was 15. We have grown together and had lots of good and bad times..as most marriages do. But for the past year or a bit longer, my husband has been drinking pretty heavily. I have a problem with this. I have talked to him numerous times about this and help. He always says he will quit, but tomorrow. I am at my breaking point. He is a very good man, better than I can ask for. But this is a real issue for me. Its too much, everyday as soon as he gets home from work. I dont like the way he is, I feel like Im with another man all the time. Not who Im in love with. My feelings for him seem to be fading. I love him with all my heart, but I cannot stand another day of this. Money issues, fights, ect. Last night, after he had plenty..he wanted me to take my usual trip back up and buy more. I told him no and kinda freaked. All had built up and I finally told him I think I was falling out of love with him.
2007-09-14 02:36:51 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I do love him, but feel like Im not "in love" with him. So I told him at a time that was not the greatest, but I snapped. Now I know he is not taking this well. He cryed and is very mad at himself. I feel terrible. What should I do? Is this something Im just being selfish about or what? I dont think so..but I dont know anymore what to do. I would rather be single then deal with this. But I want to help him at the same time. If he was back to himself again..there would be no problem what so ever. Please, any advice on how to fix what I said. I do feel that way, so I was honest. But I want him to know this is true, but also I want us back. I dont ANYONE else. EVER. How can I talk to him, and him understand how serious I am. I have just told him this plenty of times...its not sinking in. Maybe it did now, but I feel terrible. PLEASE HELP MY MARRIAGE!! Help me fix it, any advice is GREATLY appreciated. Thank you.
2007-09-14 02:41:32 · update #1
Sorry I wanted to add, he was saying he was a failure and not a good hubby, things like that...that make me think I said it wrong. But is there a right way? I dont want him to feel this way since he is a great father, has supported us and me the whole time. I dont want him to look down on himself, just know whats going on and how I feel. Sorry so long.
2007-09-14 02:44:18 · update #2
Within a marraige every person changes, its part of growing up. Some turn out to be totally different people, some have mix of but new and old. We might like or not like this new changing person i.e. fall out of love, but that is all part of our growth.
You and your husband are on a similar track. The person you fell in love with and married is taken over by a person who is drunk all the time whom you dislike. If your timing for snapping at him was right or wrong it does not matter. What now matters is if he changes his ways do you still want to be with him?
If the answer is yes, then that is what you got to work on. I think you did hit the message home in anger, now you have to deliver the same message with love. Talk to him, tell him you love the sober person and hate the drunk. Tell him the drunk person is taking over his life and ruining our marriage. You are still in love but with the sober person and not with the alcoholic. Tell him once again, that you are there to help him and right beside him through his detox process. And that he is a strong man and he can do it. Tell him that you know deep down inside he is a very caring, loving and repectful husband, but the alcohol blocks it out. Tell him you love him and want to be with him only if he agrees to get some help for his problem. Tell him you know it wont be easy it might take a few tried, but you are right beside him to love him and hold him.
I hope this helps. good luck
2007-09-14 03:12:24 · answer #1 · answered by jimmy.parker06 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Showing and explaining your real feelings- not the reaction feelings, but being really open and honest. Did you tell him the things you said in the question- "He is a very good man, better than I can ask for...I feel like I'm with another man.[when he drinks]..." You aren't doing anything wrong by being honest. Marriage should be about honesty and our husbands should be the only people that know us better than anyone. We should never be afraid to tell them how we feel or think our feelings are invalid.
I would also pray that God would soften his heart and open his ears to what you have to say before you talk to him. And that God would show you the reason he is drinking so heavily, because there is something at the root of it all that triggered it. When I started having episodes of getting drunk, I know it was because I felt like my life was done, I missed (never went) the college fun party time, got married right away, only had been with one person, had kids right away. The pressure can just build up on you. But when my husband told me his feelings about it and I realized how much I hurt him, I was like I didn't miss anything. I want to be with my husband and my kids and I don't need all that other stuff. Lots of people long to find their "soul mate" and have a family. And I am so grateful to have such a supportive husband and of course I love my beautiful children. And we need to be supportive wives (which I hadn't been for awhile) and stick by our men.
2007-09-14 03:15:59 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was once that guy! I am married to a wonderful woman and i think RebeccaD and theoptomist have some very good points. I bet there is alot more going on in his life than you know. Probably some financial issues, maybe he is balding a little or putting on some weight, maybe he got passed over for a promotion, maybe he feels he is on a dead end street with his career. I had all those issues and more and I ended up having an affair. It was the worst thing ever because it really hurt my wife when she found out. Right now he needs someone to listen to him and not judge him! He knows he is doing wrong and to judge him is likely to push him further away. Now that does not mean that you are not honest with him. You are exactly right to say what you did and be honest, now it is time for him to be honest with himself!!! My wife and I are still married and now we are stronger than ever. I have had several offers for affairs but have turned them down and even told my wife about the offers. Catch him when he is not drinking and tell him just what you said, you love him but you are not in love with him. Do not leave God out of this equation because I was once a minister and then after I left the ministry is when I started drinking and messing around. Pray like you have never prayed before and set the example for him. If he sees you praying for your marriage, it will touch his heart. He may never say anything publically but it will not go unnoticed. He likely does not like himself right now and that is his way of dealing with things. I pray God's blessings on your home.
2007-09-14 05:33:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I dont feel like you said anything wrong. This has been a problem for over a year.
Sometimes it takes the one that person loves the most to get brutially honest so they open their eyes. You have a family, and he needs to realize this.
What I would do if I were in you place (and I understand that's easy to say) is try to find out why the drinking started in the first place. And why is have became an every night habit.
Since this has been going on for over a year, he might need further help than you. He might need counseling. And if he doesnt think it's a good idea I would simply ask him if it was worth it to him for you and his family.
My mother drank for many years...It was very hard to get her to stop, she did do it without counseling. But it did take alot. I hope everything works out for, and I wish you the best of luck
2007-09-14 02:51:37 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your hubby might be having some problems of his own right now. If he is drinking more and more than what he ever did before, it might be due to depression. He could be trying to drink his feelings away. You said what you had to in order to get his attention. Maybe now that you have it, he will listen. Do not give up on him yet though, it really does sound like he might be suffering from depression and should see a doctor for it to get on medications. Another reason I think that might be the issue, besides the drinking, is also the way he put himself down after you said that stuff to him. Try to get him in for some help, before you give up on your relationship, especially if things are great without the alcohol.
2007-09-14 02:55:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did say the right thing. Nothing to feel guilty about.
What is happening is that he is falling in self pity due to the alcohol and is trying to make YOU feel guilty. That's the thing with alcoholic. He won't admit he has a problem.
What you need to do now, is to leave him. To make him make a choice between alcohol and you.
A separation doesn't equal giving up on your marriage.
What you do when getting separated to someone you love, you are sending them a clear message: get your acts together OR...
He needs you to act tough with him.
He needs a reality check for the penny to drop.
If you are not strong enough, you'll end up supporting his addiction and he'll die or you'll just condemn yourself to a life of misery.
Tell him and mean it. : I'm leaving you until you sort yourself out. You have to make a choice. I love you, but you love the bottle more. So, it's me or the drink. Make up your mind.
2007-09-14 03:03:33 · answer #6 · answered by Kc 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's using guilt to make you feel sorry for him. By him saying he is not a good father, etc.
Tell him what you told us, that you would rather be single than deal with this stuff.
You are too young to deal with a lifetime like this. Do everything you can to make him get help before this gets out of control. He probably can quit this behavious on his own but he has to want to do it.
The longer you stay there and tolerate it, even if you get pissed at him, is just enabling him to continue being this way.
If you leave him, he will probably use that as an excuse to drink even more.
Gently suggest to him that if he is unable to keep his promise to quit on his own that there are ways to get help.
Check out AA's website, maybe you can get some ideas there
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
2007-09-14 03:02:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like my husband. You have two choices as I see it. Accept his behavior and stay. Or leave. If you have talked to him about his drinking and he continues, he has a problem and needs to get help. Him telling you that he's a failure and such is a ploy for you to build him up. Sure he feels bad, but he probably needs help to get over this. You have a tough decision to make. My husband talks about quitting all the time. I've decided to stay, but I know what you mean about wanting you husband back. Mine is a different person when drinking too. I pray alot for him and hope that someday he takes care of himself. Until then, I enjoy my sober times with him. I married him, I work it out.
2007-09-14 02:52:21 · answer #8 · answered by Wendy B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is an alcoholic- alcohol has ruined his marriage, so he has a serious drinking problem. Talk to a counselor as soon as possible. Join Al-Anon.
I suggest that you have an experienced counselor arrange an intervention. You get a group of family members together and surprise him and tell him he needs to go to rehab and have it all ready so he just goes then and if he doesn't go, then you go.
The old myth that he has to want to do it for it to work has been proven untrue. People can be forced into treatment and it can be just as effective as the people who do it on their own initiative.
Laura Bush forced George to do a Christian substance abuse program by threatening to leave with the kids. It happens all the time.
I work with people who have substance abuse problems (crim defense lawyer). I do not tell them to stop drinking. I tell them to go do substance abuse treatment. I tell them to get into programs like church, counseling, 12 step programs. The ones who think they can just do it on their own don't succeed usually. Then, they drink more because they feel that they are failures and will never be able to stop drinking.
It is better to find an effective program than just to rely on willpower. He needs more than willpower or he would have already stopped drinking.
Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself. It is extremely difficult to live with an alcoholic. You need a support system. Try a good church and a good Al-Anon group and counseling.
Best wishes.
2007-09-14 03:08:53 · answer #9 · answered by Ron L 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you did the right thing in telling him your feelings and refusing to get him more alcohol. He will have to choose what he wants, either to get help for his problems, talk about his problems with you, or straighten up and take you seriously, especially since he knows that your feelings are fading.
If he cannot do this, then I would think that living with situation is not something you would want, especially for another 10, 20, or 30 years, and you will know the time to take actions.
Good Luck.
2007-09-14 02:44:45 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋