I lived with someone for 6 years and loved him deeply. He wanted us to 'experiment' sexually, in particular with another man (for me,not him, but while he was in the room). I eventually caved in and allowed it, but broke up with him soon afterwards because I couldn't cope with the self-disgust. It's been nearly a year and I am in another relationship, but I cannot forget this man and all the good things we had apart from his bizarre sexuality.
I am 46 and have had several relationships in my life, but had never experienced one where I felt my partner knew me as well as he did. I still ring him now and then, cry when sad songs come on the radio - all that crazy stuff.
I think I just need some other people to reinforce to me that I did the right thing so I can move on. None of my family or friends know why we split: they think I was cruel to have broken his heart just because they think I was bored. I can't tell them I broke my heart too, they will want to know why.
2007-09-14 01:33:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to understand that you have to make the choices that are right for you. And honestly what is wrong with defending yourself honestly to your family. Just flat out tell them, "Listen, he wanted to share me with another man, I couldn't do, that is why I had to break it off with him!". Enough is enough, I imagine part of not being able to move on is because of the guilt you feel because you feel pressure from them and they think you are wrong. You tell them the truth or at least that part of the truth, you will feel a lot better and be able to heal. And with any break up there is a healing process.
I felt the same way and same pressure from my friends and family about my X husband. Until finally I came out and admitted to them that he abused me, verbally, emotionally, financially and on occasion physically. They immediately stopped, and completely understood. I immediately felt better about the choices I had made, because I didn't have their voices in my head any longer; fueling my self doubt.
2007-09-14 01:45:59 · answer #1 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing. Look in your question and see that the key statement was "self-disgust". You could bat around the "morally or ethically wrong" issue all day and get so many different opinions but the ultimate point is was it wrong for you and yes it was if it made you feel disgust of yourself and fill you with self loathing. Your partner should have known how you felt about that if you were together 6 years so don't feel guilty about breaking up with him. He was selfish in asking you to experiment in the first place but if your sex life needing some spice, there are plenty of other things to try instead of a threesome. Even though you feel you still love him, remember that it was ultimately his fault that you broke up. Always stay true to yourself and respect yourself and your body and never be in a relationship where someone forces you to do something that you are uncomfortable with. You don't need to justify your actions to your family either but if you feel compelled to give an answer just tell them that even though it broke your heart when you split up with him, there were some personal issues that you couldn't accept and live with and leave it at that.
2007-09-14 02:12:51 · answer #2 · answered by Catlover 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
YOU, without a doubt, did the right thing. If you aren't comfortable with the situation, you should not stay in it. Your family and friends don't have to know the complete details of the breakup..I think it is wonderful you have moved on with your life. You mentioned that you talk to him every now and again. And I think this is a mistake, all it does is bring back some great memories and you will never be able to put it completely behind you until you let go... It sound as though you truly cared for him and you would have probably spent the rest of your life with this person had he not wanted you to experiment sexually with others. I am a one man woman myself. Sex should be shared between two people that love each other. If you each want to experiment with each other, that is a different matter. I sure hope you will be able to move on and find the love you so richly deserve.
2007-09-14 01:46:37 · answer #3 · answered by lucylocket7258 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have no obligation to discuss the details of your breakup with anyone. Moreover, your family and friends should be supportive, not judgemental. You made the right decision and you have nothing to be sad about. This man took advantage of your love, by compromising you into doing something you did not want to do--something he knew you didn't want to do. It effected you deeply and you had every reason to leave him. Stop feeling bad about it, and stop calling this man. He did not have your best interest at heart and you should understand that.
Always remember that a man who truly loves a woman doesn't want to share her with anyone--under any circumstances. Neither will he spend 6 years with her, without benefit of marriage. You may have loved this man, but he was not displaying the behavior of a man who loves a woman. Had he known you as well as you think he did, he would never have caused you such pain. Don't let his bizarre behavior (and it was bizarre) effect your future. We've all done things we regret and we've all been involved with people who have disappointed us. It's time for you to move on now. You're in another relationship, which hopefully is rewarding; so hold your head up high and strutt your stuff. You're beautiful person, girlfriend!
2007-09-14 03:53:45 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Oh luv, you poor thing. You sound really in love with this man, and you lived as husband and wife for six years, so it wasn't just a passing romance. I know these sexual things that usually start of as fantasies get a bit weird when you actually act them out, that's why all the therapists warn against "acting them out" for real. I don't know how much you tried to deal with it as you don't really say in your question. You have invested a lot in the relationship and it's worth a fight if that is the only thing wrong with it. Did you go to a sex therapist and discuss it? Where does this fantasy stem from? Can you both find something mutually enjoyable? It would have been worth a damn good try. Of course if you did try and he wouldn't let go of the idea, then you had to be true to yourself and leave, but your friends need to know that there were some weird requests that you couldn't deal with.
2007-09-14 18:06:32 · answer #5 · answered by esmeralda 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You broke up with this man because you couldn't cope with YOUR self-disgust. No wonder you can't let go of your feelings for him! The way you describe what happened, he didn't force you to do anything you weren't willing to do. So you had sex with another man, couldn't deal with the consequences, and left him. You could have instead said, "Wow, I'm having some strong negative feeling about that experience that I didn't expect. I hope you enjoyed it, because I won't be doing that again!" Making this perfectly reasonable statement might have saved your relationship, but you inexplicably chose to break up with him instead. I think you should apologize to him for how you handled it and ask him if he would be willing to try again with you to have a relationship.
Later edit: Reading through the answers above mine, I feel that I need to address all the people who said, "You did the right thing because think of all the other things he would have asked you to do." Yes, he might have asked you to do other things. If you get back with him, and you are not clear beforehand that you're not going to do it again, he might ask you to have sex with another man again. Nonetheless, to any request any person ever makes of you, you would do well always to remember that a perfectly legitimate response is a simple No.
2007-09-14 02:23:48 · answer #6 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, you definitely did the right thing.
It's wasn't just his weird sexual fantasies: they involved YOU.
Who knows whatelse he would have asked you to do??
He was a perv and that's that.
If you didn't have children with him, then count yourself lucky!
Stop thinking about the past.
Time tends to make the past look nicer.
So, it's a good think that you have recovered from this.
Do you think that time has changed him?? That he's no more into weird sex???
Leave the past behind and focus on your current relationship.
You do have some morals and thank God for that.
It's the type of person you want to entirely cut out of your life.
They can ONLY hold you back.
Cut him out of your life and move on.
All the very best.
2007-09-14 01:54:38 · answer #7 · answered by Kc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some folks dont have strong opinions on things - its simply the best way they are. I have issues with individuals who dont share my ardour about particular issues. Nevertheless i have come to realize that some individuals are peaceful and just be given others views. They cant see the factor of discussing or getting into into subjects which have divisive disorders and in all probability inflicting bad feelings. She is glad to no longer trouble arguing. If, for 9 years your female friend hasnt discussed stuff with you what makes you think you can change this? Can you change? We're who we are if you happen to love this lady and she or he loves you it will be difficult to let her go. Commonly we need to are living and let are living and realise we are lucky to have anybody to love us and for us to like. Possibly you would do lots worse. I do know couples where the spouse could be very abrasive and argumentative - how would you take care of someone like that who has no main issue talking up? :) and does so usually!!!!!!!!
2016-08-04 15:58:28 · answer #8 · answered by glandon 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry I feel so bad for you, we are close to the same age so I know what you are saying and I wish I could make the hurt go away...I have been where you are and the only time I let "experimental" things go on in the bedroom it broke us up as well, it's not a good feeling you have after wards that's for sure...I can say is that the hurt will get better but it takes time, and occasionally it takes a lot of it.
2007-09-14 01:47:44 · answer #9 · answered by Ms. M 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You were right to break up with him. It wouldn't have ended there with the bizarre sex. It would have went farther each time. How could he think he would have been satisfied with your sex life if you both like two different things? You need to quit calling him and focus on you and the future. Maybe go get some counseling so you can be stronger for yourself.
2007-09-14 01:46:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋