What would you give up for your child, and when do I get happiness in my life??

Question

My son hates my husband so much that he wont come a visit me when I have visitation days.
I married the man who demolished our family so I understand what he feeling about us are, I don't push anything.

My Ex. finally got a family therapist for him after a few weeks The therapist had everyone involved in on a family session. My son went postal on us to the point that when my husband started to get defensive my 14 year flat out told me he did not want to be my son and he will continue hating me to my grave!

I finally got courage enough to say my response and my son tore me to shreds!
It was bad, now am taking antidepressant and seeing my on therapist about my own issues.
After 3 months we all sat down again, My son gave me an ultimatum dispose of my current husband and never have contact with him or my son would dispose of me!

I don't want to lose my son this way, but he hurting what should I do?
Choose son, or husband I can't have both, my happiness gone either way!

I had an AFFAIR for a year and was told by my Ex. to move out when my son found out and told his father!

punxsutawney phil: I would agree with you on that, but it's not a hole it's a bottomless pitt!

nicole6476: Gee you think?
I been trying to do just that but my son get into my face and openly humliates me in public!

I'm not allowed into a local womans shop now because the owner through me out and wont allow me back in because my son aired the dirty laundry right their in the store!

After 10 years of shopping their too!

treatau: SHUT UP!
I'VE BEEN TO 3 DOCTORS NOW ALL WITH AT LEAST 10 OR MORE YEARS BEHIND THEM IN PRATICE AND ALL OF THEM SAY THIS IS NOT EVER GOING TO GO AWAY!

THE AFFAIR WILL ALWAYS BE PRESNET EVEN IF I CAN SALVAGE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SON!

I SUGGEST YOU GET A LOT OF MALPRATICE INSURANCE!

ALSO IF YOU WERE IN TRAINING YOU WOULD NOT HAVE EVEN ATTEMPTED TO EVEN OFFER THAT PIECE OF INFORMATION!

Pinker: I'M NOT LOSING MY SON!

If I have to dump this man who I admit has been anything but stellar than that what i'll do!

The affair will always be presnt , and that it destroyed his happiness, why should I have mine?

Answer 1

From my understanding of reading your information, that you were having an affair, and your son found out and told your then husband. Your former husband threw you out, and you married the man you were having the year long affair with, and you all have been in therapy to help your son whose angry with you.
From what I can tell your son has lost total respect for you, because of the affair you had. He feels that you not only hurted, and cheated on his father, but on him too.
Imagine that you were him, and in his shoes, You and your ex-husband may not had a perfect marriage or home, but to your son, you all was a family, It was all he knew. Then just like that, (from his stand point) he has no family anymore, So who does he blame for that YOU! Imagine how you would feel, and how angry and hurt, and deceived you would feel.
You should have not let the affair continued on so long, it was very deceitful. You should have told your ex-husband at the time early on, that you found someone else, and you both should tell your son together so it wouldn't break his little heart.
That you both love him, but had grew apart from each other,
but you will always be his mother and in his life whenever he needed you. He still would of been upset, but by you both showing a united front, he would of eventually learned to accept it.
You can't turn back the clock, so I would suggest that you talk with your Ex-husband. You really need his help in this. You need to talk to your Ex first, and ask him for forgivness about the cheating, but you love your son. You and your Ex needs to
show a united front showing that you both want to move on, and your Ex needs to say he has forgiven you. He needs to say to your son, We may not be together but WE BOTH LOVE YOU!
You need to not act like you hadn't done anything wrong, and say to your son, I love you and I am so sorry for the hurt I have cause. I'm all the mother you have, and gave birth to you and helped raise you, and I never wanted to hurt you. If he continues to yell at you, let him, let him get out all of his anger
and hurt, then tell him I understand, but I still love you.
If he still continues tell him, you are here for him, if he ever wants to talk or he ever needs you.
I don't know how your new husband is, but if he is against your son, then you need to let him go. But if he's encouraging you to win your child back, then maybe after your son gets all of the anger and hurt out, maybe in time, he would learn to accept things as they are.
You stay strong too, I'm not saying what you did was right, but who am I to judge. We all make mistakes, and are not perfect. STAY STRONG, AND FIGHT FOR YOUR SON'S LOVE, AND DON'T GIVE UP!!!

Answer 2

Husbands come and go , children are irreplacable , how can you not know what your decision is? I know it's scarey being alone , I know that eventually your son will grow up marry and have kids of his own then maybe he'll understand the magnitude of the choice he's asked you to make but until then he is your top priority .If your husband truely love's you he'll understand and let you go.

But who was the stupid adult who decided that telling your son the whole truth about your marriage breaking down over a stupid affair started out of just that stupidity and selfishness was a good idea in the 1st place is the real issue I am interested in , how old was he when you chose the lover over your husband and child? and if it was your ex husband then I hope he's happy with how he has manipulated your son by using this as ammunition against you , so very charming of him to put his own need's above the love and safety and piece of mind of a child.

And if it was you who imformed your son of your mistake then I'm sorry you made your bed now it's time to climb out and take responsibility for your son and the mistake's you thrust upon him. I dont know who told him you or your ex but 1 of you did and it was WRONG plain and simple.

When will parent's learn children are NOT NOT NOT NOT (no that many not's wasnt a typo) pawns to be used in power game's just because you couldnt make your marriage damn well work?

I have sat back and watched my 2nd husband's ex wife use their son as a pawn and it came to bite her on the rear end because after 7 years he now wants nothing to do with her , funny outcome dont you think?.

Answer 3

You have yourself in a real pickle.

You are not married to the man that demolished your family. You are the one that demolished your family. You are the one that stepped out of your marriage and had an affair. so don't blame it on anyone but yourself.
Your son is taking this really bad. He thinks you have chosen this man over him and his father. He is hurting because his life has been ripped to shreds. His security is no longer there.

You need to find away to sit down and really talk with your son and let him know that people change and things change and this is how it is. You love him and you love your husband and you need to let him know that no matter what you love them both and you need to reinforce that constantly.

You need to let him know that you love him very much and if he does not want anything to do with your husband then maybe you need to make arrangements for just you and your son to have your visitation together.

Your son is 14 years old - he is at a headstrong age but he will be an adult in 4 years and this is your life too. You can't let him call the shots in your life but at the same time you need to be sensitive to his feelings and reinforce your love for him.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Why can't your son go to live with his father for right now. It is going to be very hard for a young child to understand that a grown man made so many mistakes, and hurt the family so badly. The hardest part is that he will not be able to forgive this man even though the man is trying now to be better. Children expect adults to be perfect. You need to sit with him and explain that adults, including parents are not perfect. Explain that sometimes it takes a long time for them to realize what they have done wrong, and to try to do better. Eventually your son will be more tolerate of this man, but do not expect him to ever love or be close to him. That is a decision that you will have to make, but keep in mind that your son will be grown and leaving home eventually. If this man has really straightened out, then perhaps you should stay with him. If he has not, once your son is grown, you will probably leave anyway.

I lived through a similar thing. After all those years of my son complaining, I finally left the man after my son was grown. I was so busy trying to help my son, that I did not have time to see how badly the guy was treating me too. Once my son was gone and I had time to concentrate on my relationship. I soon realized that I should have left him years ago.

Answer 5

I love my children with all my heart. I would not let them choose who I can or cannot be with for the rest of my life.

You raise your kids and when they become adults, they leave you and get a life of their own. Then what? Resent your son for "making" you choose a few years with him versus a lifetime with your partner?

Who is the parent? Your child has far too much power that YOU and your EX allow him to have.

When you say demolished your family, are you referring to, he's the guy you cheated with and eventually left your family for him? The damage is already done. What makes you tink you are going to make things better if you choose again? See, in my mind you already made your choice. Now you have regrets? Is you new husband just not worth it anymore? New marriage turn sour? New husband abusive? Mean to your kid? If that is the case and you want to call it quits, by all means, do. But DO NOT be so much of a coward as to point your finger at your son and claim he made you do it. He is your kid. Be a parent! That doesn't mean you HAVE to give up your new life if it is going good. Your kid will eventually get over it and he will have a little understanding when he becomes an adult. If you "prove" to him that you made a mistake leaving, you won't gain any respect.

Good luck in whatever you choose. It isn't an easy decision to make.

Answer 6

well, the son does not have to visit...he's old enough now...14...that you can choose your husband over visiting w/ you... your son has no right to give you an ultimatum... I understand his anger... but he has to realize that you have a right to move on w/ this man since you and your previous husband divorced... this whole situation will take time... you can't force him to accept all of these changes... all I can say is time on you and your current husband's part is what he needs... also, your son is disrespectul... and needs to learn a few lessons... I am sure you have already learned yours... you see how an affair tore up your family...in a way, you already chose your current husband over this boy when the affair happened... you already gave up your child when this all started... =(... God chastizes those he loves, and he's chastizing you alot...=) Go to church =) you can't expect happiness now when you tore up your previous husband and son's happiness =(...

Answer 7

My, you are going through tough times right now. I am wondering why your son has so much anger. Since you say he is angry with your husband & you, and that he demolished your family, I am assuming there was an affair. I don't like to assume, but if that is the case I hate that your son, at 14, is dealing with it at all. However, he is not old enough to give his parents ultimatums. You need to have a serious discussion with your ex about what is being discussed in front of your child. You can regain your happiness by regaining your role as MOM!

Answer 8

you and your family need forgiveness. you can not undo the past, but you can forgive yourself and others and move on. As hard as it may be, you need to back off from your son for awhile, you can not keep him from saying things, but you can keep them from being true. get help on your anger issue as well. seek healing for your inner issues first, then you will be able to start with others. whatever you do, once healing taks place don't shove others mistakes down their throats, it will only cause more damage. seek God's forgiveness first and foremost.
those three doctor's don't know what they are talking about. there are tons of proof, that these things do work out and they do go away.

in responce to jadey... husbands and wives shouldn't be the disposable kind. thats is whats wrong with people these days... they veiw marriage as disposable."oh well, they come and go" this is not factual, but unfortunately it has become the norm, and not the exception. a husband and wife are designed to be one flesh, bone of bone, children do not and have not ever been desribed this way. we are the ones that put them above our marrige and everything else. we forget that one day, they grow up and move out, you get older, and suddenly in a nursing home with no children to visit because now, these very kids you put above your husband have become too busy with their own "you guessed it" husband or wife...

Answer 9

I dont understand in what way did your present husband demolish your family!!
Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Then it was not your present husband but you who holds this resonsabilly.
Your son needs you.
It's now time to be responsible for the people that you have hurt.
After all it is because parents bring children into the world and the children dont have a choice.
Lift your self up it's time to make the decision that you would be able to live with.
Your a grown woman take control and stop feeling sorry for yourself you can do this!!

Answer 10

Hi, I am a second wife, like your new husband and sometimes I feel that my stepdaughters are resentful towards me too, even though I was not a reason of their parents breakup. I met their Dad years after that, but other than that, I can only imagine how your husband might feel.
Your son hates him for no reason! He doesn't have a right to hate a person who makes his mother happy. OK, you had an affair, it is terrible, but who is to judge you? I am sure that happened because you were unhappy in your marriage and this man made you feel like a woman again and now that you are married it is justified I think. People need to learn how to forgive and move on.
I might be on the wrong side here, but I think you new husband should be the priority, as the relationship needs to come above all if you want it to be successful. We always love our children too much and we never love our parents enough, therefor, you should not sacrifice your happiness. At the end of the day, your boy is going to grow up and meet a girl who he is going to marry and he will be happy with the person he loves, and what is sad he wont be able to appreciate it if you give up your new husband. Your first marriage is ruined already, if you leave this new man, you will only show that it was not worth ruining the family. If you stay with him and try to change your son's mind (which he will, we only have one mother and you don't sound like a bad one as you seem to really love him), some day he will understand. At least he should. You bore your son, you feed him and you dress him, you are always there for him and you love him to bits. He doesn't have a right to ask for more, especially for you to give up the man you love. This is something that is actually stopping me from having my own children at the moment, I know they are the most important thing for many people, but I also know that so many of them have sacrificed their dreams and wishes to please them, when all it should take a child is being there for them. At the end of the day they wont appreciate it. I really actually feel angry about what your son said, it is just not fair. What will be the next thing? Cut off your legs so that you can stay in the house with him all the time to make him happy????? Or tear your heart out so that you don't fall in love with other men???? Play the situation and see how it is going to be either way. I strongly recommend that you keep your loving husband and you tell your son that you have done a lot to make him happy, now if he loves you and also wants you to be happy - he needs to accept it and get over himself. Ask him if HE wants you to be happy? For the record, there are so many families that break up and children grow up just fine. And parents marry other people and are happier than before. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, don't let your son ruin your marriage. Ultimatums like this are cruel, even if he feels angry and isn't old enough to understand, it is not right.



P.S. now that I look at your comments, all you seem to do is critisize people who are trying to help you. Really shows that you are a good person. :(((
maybe you just dont think you deserve to be happy after this, well, love, this is your life and your son. deal with the consequances of your affair. you dont seem to love your son enough to not have an affair, now you dont seem to love this man enough to stand your ground and defend him from your selfishness. I was not suggesting to lose your son, I just think he needs to be put back in his place.
But you know what? If you are this bitter, maybe you should dump this man and live with mommys little boy, good luck.