Pregnant, divorcing, and can't stop crying!?

Question

Hubby and I have been married for 5 years. We began having problems, a lot of fighting, little progress. We even tried to go on a vacation to reconnect, but we just didn't work out. Despite the divorce and the problems, I will probably always love him, because he's a really decent person, always has been.

I'm moving out-of-state for my job. This whole thing had me sick, but I found out that it wasn't stress, and that I'd gotten pregnant on our vacation 3 months ago. My husband found out that I hadn't been feeling well (doesn't know about the baby) through a co-worker of mine and has been leaving me messages that he's just checking on me and to feel better.

We're getting along better since we began proceedings, and I don't want to disrupt that. I don't know what or when to tell my husband about the baby, or if I even should at all. I don't want to complicate this already complicated situation.

The situation is affecting my work, my health, and my sanity. Help!

I DO understand his rights. I just don't want for us to be in a loveless marriage. Neither of us, or the baby deserves that, which is why I even considered not telling him anything. Since we made the decision to divorce, we've been better with each other. I wanted him to be able to move on without feeling obligated to me. Even now, he doesn't know what's going on, but when I woke up from a nap after work, he was at our home practically force feeding me soup. A year ago, he'd have been at work.

Why now, of all times, is beyond me, when we tried for a year to get pregnant. Both he and I are planners by nature, although he is much more laid-back about it. I think he's moved on and I don't want to mess up anything for him or have him be resentful of the baby or me. I'm not trying to keep the baby from him, it's just that, has he really lost anything if he didn't know about it in the first place?

I know this is all over the place, but my hormones are too, so forgive me.

Let me just say thanks to everyone who took the time to post because I have been lost these past few weeks.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am happy that I'm pregnant. I just haven't felt like I could really embrace and enjoy the news when things between my husband and I are so difficult.

I was cramping and spotting at work, and my co-worker took me to the hospital. When I was done being examined (everything's okay, thank God) my husband was there, thanks to my big-mouth friend, and he seemed very worried. I told him that everything was alright but he stayed home with me anyway. I don't know what brought about the change, since normally he'd be working, but he wanted to talk.
He laid it all out on the line: wanting us both to cut back on our work obligations to concentrate on us. He says he doesn't want to walk away knowing he loves me and feeling like we didn't try hard enough to get past our issues with each other. I told him he was going to be a father & once he processed what I said, he was ecstatic. I don't know now why I was so terrified; I should have known he'd be happy.
Divorce is set aside for now, and I don't know yet what I'll do about my job, but we're just going to take this one day at a time and try to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

Answer 1

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, too. I can't count the number of arguments we have had.......many, many, many. Does my husband cheat? No. Does my husband abuse me? No. Does my husband abuse drugs or alcohol? No. Does he tell me I am pretty and my hair looks good? No. Is he perfect? No. Do I love him with all my heart? Yes!

No man and no woman are perfect. But I truly believe unless there is abuse or addiction going on in a marriage, any problem can be worked out.

We now have two small girls. I am so glad that my kids have two parents to love and nurture them. My sister is a single mom and boy oh boy does she have a rough time. And it shows in her sons behavior.

I wish the best for you and your husband. Your hurt must make you feel like giving up sometimes. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Make a decision, though. If you are going to work on your marriage then do it 110%. If not then put a smile on your face and move on. You must figure this out and fast for the sake of having a healthy pregnancy.

Finally, I am so sorry to say this, but you are not being fair to your husband by not telling him about this child. This is going to create some major trust issues if you don't tell him right away. You have no right to keep this pregnancy from him.

Good luck and be strong. You can do it.........after all you're a woman and we woman are STRONG and BRAVE!

Answer 2

first of all I am feeling very sorry for you.
but I think you should tell your hubby right now.and you said that you both tried to make things work.so I suggest try it once again.you know fighting is ok because wherever there are two people who love each othe they will talk,discuss things and if they dont like then they fight.
Pregnancy is a very good periob for bonding or I can say sometimes its quite romantic.As husbands take care of you in every step.so dont do mistake by not telling him.once baby will come everything will be fine between both of you.atleast give it a try for your baby.may be he will bring happiness in both of your life .and after knowing that you are pregnant may be things will become good because there is nothing to lose as you are already getting divorce.
but whatever happens dont cry.take care of you at this time.meet your friends.
Good luck

Answer 3

You are not going to feel any better about hte situation until you tell him. He and the child have a right to know each other. You have been together for 5 years and still care for each other maybe you might need to try to work things out again. Maybe this is the Lord's way of bringing you back together. Try telling him face to face if possible and let him know that you are just telling him so that he will know and you don't have any expectaions. If you do want to try a diffrent approach to save your marriage it is not to late. Check out this website. It is a great confrence to go to and really gets to the bottom of any problems you may have in your marraige. Don't give up. If there is any way please give it one more try to keep your family together. Best wishes to you.

http://www.familylife.com/conferences/wtr_conf.asp

Answer 4

If you are keeping the baby - then you have to tell your husband. If you are not keeping the baby then I wouldn't say a word.

Sometimes people like each other they are just better off not married to each other - I know several couples who still do holidays, bbq together even with their new spouses, but just didn't get along as a married couple.

You need to decide what you are going to do so you can move on with your life.

One thing if you tell you husband about the baby and he doesn't want to get divorced - the baby only complicates things more - don't think it will fix your marriage.

Good luck - I know its a tough predicament.

Answer 5

You need to tell him. He is, after all, the father of the baby. It may not help matters, but he has the right to know that he is going to be a daddy. Be strong and hang in there. Once it's out in the open and you're not keeping this secret from him, you'll feel a little bit better.

Answer 6

I think you should tell him asap. He obviously cares about you still to find out about you not feeling well and he's calling you. I think you should try getting counseling. You might still love the guy. I have been in your shoes..My husband and I argue..we get in tears, but we still care..but still at times argue. This baby is probably something positive to bring you guys together. Stop crying and let him know your pregnant. Do it for the baby. Too much stress can be harmful for your baby. Get counseling..if that doesn't work then its over.

Answer 7

You really need to tell your husband about the baby.
If you both want to be together, simply get marriage counseling. It won't cost nearly as much as a divorce and you both may end up happier in the end. Every family goes through rough spots and fighting. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, much of that spent fighting. We were just too immature for marriage but instead of giving up and divorcing we sought counseling and learned to grow up together instead of against each other.
Talk to your husband and find out what he wants. You shouldn't stay together JUST for the baby's sake, but if you both think you may be jumping the gun, stop the procedings and seek counseling.

Answer 8

The things we women can carry on our shoulders is quite amazing isn't it?? I was divorced when I was pregnant with #3... I told him and you should too. You could face legal reprocussions if you don't. And seeing as how he is as you say a decent parent I fail to see why you shouldn't. If the news causes another rift well then oh well... you'll cross that bridge then. Tell him, he may be suprisingly supportive. You can't lose anymore than what you already have.... You'll do fine,... lesser women do it everyday and survive... you can too.

Answer 9

You need to be honest with yourself first-if you will always love your husband and he's a decent guy, is divorce really the answer? After you've figured that out, you need to tell him how you feel before you tell him your pregnant or proceed in court and include child support, visitation etc. You may have to rethink your career move if he wants to be involved.

Answer 10

if you are arguing and fighting all the time it will not be good for the baby
He has a right to know you are pregnant but I would not move back in with him. Let him visit you and be friends keep it like that
In a good relationship pregnancy puts a strain on it