I'm afraid I'm not in love with my husband anymore...?

Question

I've been married for about a year and a half and with him for 4 years. We went to high school together and still hang out with the same friends. I can't talk to my friends because we have the same friends. I've never really been all that interested in sex with him and lately, I've discovered I'm not attracted to him at all. I've only had sex with one other person, so I feel like maybe I didn't get to get out there and experience more or date more.... He is my best friend; we talk about everything, so we have a good relationship in that respect, but I feel awful because I don't want to have sex. He's starting to get really frustrated with me and has even suggested that maybe I don't love him anymore. The last 6 months or so I've felt like I've been falling farther and farther out of love with him. I don't know what to do... I can't afford councelling right now and he's extremely sensitive, so I don't want to talk to him until I'm confident that I won't say something wrong. Plz help!

Clarifications: I'm not a christian, so I don't feel comfortable talking with a pastor. (plz no religious comments, that isn't what my question is about; i've heard it all). i have not cheated on my husband, but i've been interested in other guys, no one in particular, just fantasies i guess, but i have no plans to cheat. Also, someone commented about why would I be so stupid as to marry someone i'm not attracted to in the first place? well thank you for being so tactful and kind, but I was attracted to him while we were dating and when we first got married, but it has since fizzled out.

Answer 1

Sex is just one aspect of a marriage. It sounds like he is a good friend and a life partner. That, to me, is far more important than the frequency of sex.

I'd be honest with him and tell him how important he is as an intimate friend and life partner. If you don't feel like having sex with him, I'm sure he already knows it. You might try explaining that you do not have sexual feelings toward him right now and you are a bit puzzled by it yourself.

I suspect that over time, you may have different feeling.

Answer 2

Very descriptive and very clear about what you want. You're being torn between your responsibilities and desires. It isn't easy. However, I feel you should leave and move on. Maybe being separated for a while might bring some perspective to both of you. And maybe you might find someone else that you feel passionate again. As long as you realize that you are responsible for your child, making sure that your child cannot suffer because of your separation, things should be manageable for you. It helps if you can be financially independent, for starters. But the most important is you need to let go and move on. It isn't easy to do. But that's probably the right thing to do for yourself. Else, you'll be hurting yourself with guilt and frustration, which isn't good for anyone. At least the space and distance might only let you guys appreciate each other better. Just make sure you're prepared first. And just go for it. Good luck.

Answer 3

Dear Jen,

I think if you are good friends, not having any major problems but your not having a great sex life and chemistry you have to address the issue unless the marriage will not work.

Your sexual needs are not being met and you will alway feel your missing out on something. That what causes people to have affairs or divorces.

Try and remember those days you were did love him. Train him to become the husband you need him to be and work and at letting your love grow and meeting his needs sexual also.

You need to find a way to express to him that it would be nice to spice up your sex life. I have been married for over 11 years and I know marriage can be tough and there are a lot of issues. Life is funny sometimes the person for you. Look at the total picture. If he is good to you and is a good have the most chemistry with may be a bad spouse.

Train your husband. Read books and or save up for sex therapy and counselling. Even if you have to go by yourself to see how you can make things better for you.

Best wishes. I hope you can work it out.

Answer 4

There can be a fine line between falling out of love and falling into boredom.

I've only been married six months and something that I noticed after about 3 months was that going out with my husband was no longer like going out on a date, looking at him during dinner thinking about what i was gonna do to him when we got back home....it was much more like hanging out with a friend with no expectations at the end of the night except going back home and getting into some raggedy pajamas to watch a late movie. When I realized we were quickly headed for boreville, I decided that we should try and date again. You know, bring back some of that spice, excitement and passion. The great thing about marriage is discovering that your spouse is your best friend, but the worst is seeing your spouse as the guy who was just a friend. Do your best to balance it. And try and make a few suggestions to him to help you spice it up in way that won't hurt his feelings or make him feel insecure, like "Babe, remember when you used to.....can you do that for me because I really thought that was something special about you that really turned me on."

Answer 5

Well honey you have a problem and one that you would have to fix right away, now if you are sure you don't love him anymore you should let him down easy and give him a chance to find love else where, but we puertoricans have a famous say that goes like this "don't let go of the bird that you have in your hands, for a thousand birds that are currently flying by" make sure that your feelings for him are completely gone because as an experienced woman I can tell you is hard to find a good man out there, if you let go and then discover that most of the men out there are assholess then what are you going to do? look back for him? he may not want to then your going to learn the meaning of this bird theory? think about it you say he is just best friend, I am sure you can easily love him again if you look deep inside.. good luck.

Answer 6

WOW. Ok, there is free counseling out there somewhere.
Have u checked local churches? usually they are free.
And u say that he is ur best friend and u talk about everything, but have u talked to him about not being in love? specifically?
But yes, ur first step is to get counseling first for yourself and then for sure the both of you.
Is there by any chance another male who has caught ur attention? u mention that maybe u haven't gone out and expirienced other people, is this something that u honestly want to pursue, are u looking?
II pray you can get some free counseling and get this all taken care of!
:D

Answer 7

Why would you marry someone who you are not attracted to?
It does not change after 1.5 years. I think you did not think it through BEFORE you married him. That being said you better make a decision before children are in the picture.

I strongly suggest some sort of counseling ( take a loan).Tthis is too import of issue to remain unresolved. You are holding him hostage in a way. If you don't love him let him go

Answer 8

Maybe you're thinking that the grass is greener on the other side and you want to try and see it... BUT if you know that you have a good man in your life right now then trust me.... you don't need to look for something better... because most of the time... you'll only realize that you have the best already when you can't find something better...

Answer 9

Well if you don't love him anymore, get a divorce. Don't stay with him because he is sensitive. Do this now before you start cheating on him with someone else.
Do you want to work things out with him or do you just not love anymore? If you don't love him anymore and don't want to work things out with him, no point of going to counseling, just get a divorce.

Answer 10

Are you fancying someone else? Or are you not wanting him because things haven't been that great in bed? You can always improve things by trying new stuff, and talking. But if you don't fancy him anymore, and fancy others, he needs to know, so you don't hurt him later by seeing others, which hurts more. Talk to your family for better guidance, they know you both and can give more guided advice.