My husband has a brother that doesn't like me. He feels I'm not good enough. Now that my husband has confided in his brother on some issues we've been having in our marriage, my brother-in-law won't allow me to see his precious daughter (my neice) anymore, nor am I invited to their home. His brother doesn't think our marriage will last, nor does he want it to. He feels if he keeps me at bay, I will just go away. My husband is simply allowing his brother to call the shots while he plays the middleman and stays neutral, but when its just the two of us, he acknowledges to me that his brother is treating me unfairly and he knows I'm hurting...yet he still goes to his brother's house for dinners while I stay at our home alone. He says defending me with his brother will only make his brother dislike me more and create more problems. He feels I should give it time without "make waves" and just hope that his brother will come around. It has been 9 months so far. Is this acceptable
2007-09-13 14:02:07 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you don't have the loyalty of your husband in the marriage what do you have? You married him not the family. At the same time you should always be respectful to his family.
Define the boundaries in your marriage or you will lose your husband to a controlling brother.
2007-09-13 14:16:04 · answer #1 · answered by flip 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Time to get tough with your husband and insist he grow a spine as regards his brother. You also need to tell hubby dear that your marital issues are none of his brother's business. Ask him flat out - would he rather his brother's poor little feelings get hurt or see the end of his marriage to you? Nine months is more than enough time not making waves - you tell that wimp of a husband he's about to see a tsunami if he does not set his brother straight!
If the worst does happen and your fool of a husband chooses his brother, you can sue the brother for causing the rift betrween you and hubby - and I hope, if it comes to that, you do sue the son of a b*tch - it's the least he deserves!
2007-09-13 17:20:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all that's why its hard to confine IN a family member about what material problems you are having because sometimes they will turn against you or your spouse. Sounds like to me that your husband has no back bone and is allowing his brother to call all the shots. he attend dinner with his brother family and leave you home all alone defending you will only make his brother make him dislike you more.
Let me ask you something are you still in love with your husband, See you married him for better of worse and you have hurt him remember this. It sounds like he doesnt still forgive you either. i dont know what to tell you but if he cant for give or for get whats the point of your marriage.
best of luck
2007-09-13 14:21:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No it is not acceptable. Your husband should stand up for you and let your brother in law know that if you are not invited then he will not come to dinners anymore. He is feeding into his brothers game by not sticking up for you. So your brother in law sees it as he is right. It has been 9 mos. and will continue until your husband grows a backbone. Actions speak louder than words. He may say that it is wrong to you but his actions toward his brother say a million times different.
2007-09-13 14:11:18 · answer #4 · answered by firemouse23 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In answer to your question, yes a husband should
always value and honor his wife. It is your
husbands job to put his brother in check when it
comes to you as he needs to step up to the plate
and not let anyone family or not disrespect you
or be mean to you. I have done it a few times for
my loving wife, whom I respect, love, Cherish and
am very protective of.
In-laws are just that in-laws and you should be
priority number 1 in your husbands view. If not
then you need to talk to your husband and ask
why does he not defend you in public like he
defends you at home. A true man will defend his
wife especially with family if the wife feels she
is being treated unfairly. Show this
to your husband and let him know that there are
true loving men that will always defend their wife's
honor and integrity.
2007-09-13 16:22:43 · answer #5 · answered by RudiA 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband is wrong for not defending you. He may say he is, but actions speak louder than words. You are your husbands family and come first. Not his brother.
I agree with you. He should honor and value you, even if it means cutting down on visits with his brother. I think that if the brother chooses to behave that way, that's fine, but your husband should be declining invitations that don't include you.
My Mother-in-Law did the same thing to me. I told my husband how hurtful her invites to him alone were (we have two kids too that were left out). Once I pointed out the situation and he started being aware of what she was doing, he started saying no. It took her time to ask why, but when she did, he explained that he wasn't going to hurt me to appease her. She got the point and things have been better.
I have to admit that I'm still not crazy about her, and I don't think she cares much for me, but at least our relationship isn't so cold anymore. And, I gained boatloads of respect for my husband.
2007-09-13 14:52:04 · answer #6 · answered by Wendy B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No it is not. He is not been a gentleman. I would never allow my brother to speak about my wife in any way, let alone tell him our personal problems. He is not giving you the place you deserve. He has to have some kind of respect for you at least. It seems to me that your husband is a poppet of his brother. Apparently he does not wear the pants in his house or any other place for that matter. What was it that you did so horribly for his brother not to let you see your niece? I wouldn't think you did something so monstrous that they wouldn't let you see her. I am so sorry to tell you, sweetie, but I think he is not the man you thought he was. You should give him an ultimatum. As cruel as this might sound, I think you have to find a better man.
2007-09-13 14:16:12 · answer #7 · answered by Ricardo R 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No this is not acceptable, but the truth is you should do nothing about it. Anything you do will make you look worse.
Our whole lives through there are going to be people that do not like us. My approach has been to simply be nice to them anyway. The fact is, we do not control other people's feelings.
As for your husband... yes he should keep your honor. But his brother will always be his brother. You cannot change that fact. My advise would be to let it be.
If you continue to look for, and expect, specific reactions from people, you will continue to be disappointed.
Let your husband off the hook a bit, and love him no matter what... just like your vows said. As for the brother... kill him with niceness. Keep in mind that you do not know what you do not know.
2007-09-13 14:12:42 · answer #8 · answered by box of rain 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband should not be talking about you behind your back, and definitely not siding with his brother--letting his brother bad mouth you. Tell brother to butt out, he is helping to break your marriage-----let your husband know that's it you and he who need to talk--you cannot solve your marriage problems if he talks to his brother and not you.
Do you think that your husband thinks you are not good enough? Your brother in law might come around----what will speed this is....demand that your husband and you stay away until brother can agree to stop adding to your problems and interferring and manipulating your marriage.
2007-09-13 14:11:56 · answer #9 · answered by skyward 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is spineless. He is complicit in allowing his brother to dishonor his wife. Have a heart to heart with him, and lay down a few ground rules for the marriage. First and foremost being, what goes on in your home, STAYS in your
home. Number two, if his wife is not good enough to eat at his brothers table then it should be off limits for him also.
If he is unwilling. Tell him about rule number 3. DEVORCE
2007-09-13 14:16:03 · answer #10 · answered by nutsfornouveau 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋