My wife's memory is like an elephant. What to do?

Question

She remembers what happened 10 years ago (Verbatum). I am sure some she makes it up. I just do not know how to combat . If I clam up, I am presumed guilt. and if I reply, then another argument starts. Its lose lose situation
How do other people tackle this?

Some brilliant answers like keeing a notebook
BUT now I feel I should have mentioned this before

In our 18 years of marriage she has NEVER said sorry, she is Always right(says she), Never listens to reason like going to marriage counsellor, No two days are same!
Sure I am at fault lots of times But I am always willing to learn from that. OH Well , Nothing to do but survive Thank you all

Answer 1

Get yourself a diary man , write down everything you did that annoyed her even if you think it shouldnt have , write down days dates times everything then use it next time her elephant instinct kicks in.

My 2nd husband hated the fact I remembered everything which is funny considering the 1 important date in our life neither 1 of us can remember and thats the year we got married lmao

But as I told him and I constantly tell my friends , I have a memory like an elephant and the @zz the same size to squish you when you forget something.

Answer 2

Well, I think that maybe she is reliving the pain from years ago, which is a bad deal for you of course. Usually when people are still resentful after all those years...they simply feel like it was never really worked out...like you didn't "get " how it made her feel. I think it is a sad thing that it is a lose, lose situation for you especially since you think some of it may even be made up. So, what I think I would do would be to go to her when neither one of you are upset. Tell her that you really want to know what it is that hurt her years ago, and then try to really get how that made her feel. I think much of this should have been discussed 10 yrs ago when it really bothered her the most, but for some reason it wasn't. That is mostly her fault unless you haven't been very good at letting her know that you are truly sorry for what you have done.

You also need to protect yourself here. Tell her that bringing up things from the past in an argument doesn't work well, because you are already angry and that just adds to the problems instead of helping it. Tell her that you want to address these things that are bothering her so that she "won't need to bring it up again in an argument". I know you are sitting here thinking...this will be an all day deal, lol. I am not telling you to let her just criticize you...one thing after another. It might be helpful if you were to tell her to make a short list of the things that bothered her the most from years ago.

Also, you need her to know that you will not be criticized for it. There is a difference between saying...it really hurt me when you did such and such versus, you never seem to get it, do you??

Good luck to both of you!

Answer 3

I have a great memory for things to but I have to say no matter how much my partner has annoyed me or upset me in the past I never bring it up in an argument, that's just wrong. I only ever deal with the problem at hand.

It's not just my partner who is stumped by the things I do remember, (only the funny and good stuff we talk about) it's my family to, they are in aw of the stuff I remember from when I was 3 years old onwards.

When she shouts don't shout back just talk in a normal voice and stay calm hopefully she will at least stop shouting and you can start talking and sorting out these problems, if that doesn't help seek professional help.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

She only goe's back 10 years. I have heard that when it comes to a man making mistakes or doing something wrong in a long term relationship. I hear 15 years is nothing to a woman. And the worst part about it. Is if you clearly remember a time back in the past when she wrong or out of order. Suddenly the memory goe's. I believe it's done to the controll freak that is in a woman from birth. We all no even woman. That they are not always right but never wrong. And you dare upset them. Then you are in danger of loosing your privleges. Such as sex. The power of controll. And forget about a woman ever saying sorry. And if and when the doe's happen. She will not mean it anyway. Because a woman knows that sooner or later the man will say sorry. Wether he is at fault or not. And they no it. She devils. I no. I'm married to one of them and have been for ten years. So i only have another five years to go be for she stops remembering all the things i have done wrong in the past. Only to be subjected over the next 15 years about what i do wrong in the future. Be aware guy's. Be very aware.

Answer 5

It's because you never dealt with those issues properly and they were probably really hurtful things done to shut her down.
If you want a happy marriage go back and resolve those issues properly and demonstrate that her welfare/feelings matter to you.
Ever heard of apologising and healing? Apologising and addressing the issues demonstrates fairness.
Why do men expect women to be subservient and put up with put downs? I say fix it and then expect her to get over it.
ADDED: After reading your added bit - Maybe I took the wrong angle - she sounds controlling. Have you thought about learning assertiveness skills -(I would usually say that to a female). It's really up to you at the end of the day what you will put up with. Beating you up over past events is not on if she won't take her fair share of the blame.
Couples therapy might help if you can get her there.
What's that saying - we teach people how to treat us!!

Answer 6

"She remembers what happened 10 years ago (Verbatum). I am sure someTIMES she makes it up. I just do not know how to combat IT . If I clam up, I am presumed guiltY and if I reply, then another argument starts. Its A lose lose situation
How do other people tackle this?"


There that's better - ever thought of reading through what you post before you post it?

Answer 7

Yes, war is a lose, lose situation. By your use of the word "combat" it sounds like you and your wife are engaging in the war of the sexes. Nobody wins that war. The language of love differs, in that rather than competing to prove who is the best, etc, we recognize and support the best in each other. So, the ONLY way to turn the war of the sexes into a loving relationship is to stop engaging in the war. When she brings up the past, rather than trying to "combat" how about responding with the language of love, i.e. a sincere compliment? Turn the power and control game off, and turn the loving on! You have nothing to prove! You are Soul, and you can choose to be a loving Soul. If you and she are unable to turn the war off, then I recommend couples counseling, or if she will not engage in therapy, then go yourself to get out of the "combat" mode.

Answer 8

I happen to have a pretty incredible memory as well. Not always a good thing because when you remember everything, you can't block out BAD memories. Anyway.....

I would start writing things down. Like a journal or something. Keep track of things she says that you think might be important down the road, or things of significance. When she runs her mouth or questions you, check your little "log". The SECOND you prove her wrong is the moment you can begin to question everything she's ever said. "If you're wrong about this, then what ELSE have you been wrong about?" That should take the bullets out of her belt.

Answer 9

Women have a very bad habit of bringing things up from the past. The problem is that these issues have never been resolved for her. They are still festering and getting an airing everytime she is annoyed at you. I would actually tackle it head on when she isn't upset and tell her that you are getting concerned about her bringing ancient arguments into play. Whats the problem? Men very rarely bother to initiate these kinds of conversations but as you are desperate - I think you might want to dive right in there. Don't keep clamming up - have the row - it allows everyone to express themselves even if it isn't pleasant at the time! My husband talks about things with me until I am happy even if it kills him. That way, we only bring up current issues - and throw in the rubbish to be pains in the backside. Good luck!

Answer 10

Lees is dead wrong about the alcohol killing brain cells so she won't remember. My drunk *** soon to be ex lost a lot of brain cells but it appeared to be the good ones because she still remembers all the bad stuff from 20 years ago! If your wife does that to you after 10 years you can be sure that she will continue to remember after 20 years. Good luck, I don't have the answer, I'm just gonna leave her.

I hated the way she did that to me. It's not happening to me anymore though.